Monday, January 23

More Firsts: Today Is My Moms Birthday.

It's safe to say I have been off all morning. I'm annoyed by little things and have been physically uncomfortable, not exactly sure what to do to make that better.


Normally that's a pretty good indicator that I need to get something off my chest, and I know what it is today.

Today is Mom's Birthday. 




While I was getting ready for my meeting, I kept thinking about last year, and the days I got to spend with her to celebrate last years birthday, her last birthday.  Funny today is very similar weather wise as it was last year.





The day I arrived in chase (last year) my parents picked me up from the airport, and we had gone shopping at a second hand store and I found this umbrella. What an odd thing, but now It makes me think of her every time I look at it.




 We also went to the Big Box store (moms favourite place aside from Value Village). We went in looking for a birthday gift for Joey (her sister) their birthdays are only a few days apart, and my mom found a beautiful white winter jacket. It fit her so she knew it would be perfect for Joey. She also bought her a pair of workout pants and we picked up a few extra odds and ends.

On the drive back to the house mom said to me, "I think I'll keep the Jacket, I really like it. Joey can have it later."

I ignored that, but I knew what she meant.

For the day of moms birthday we spent the day with Aunty Joey and we went into Kamloops for a massage and spa day. It was so nice getting to have the entire drive with mom. We took the truck and I was driving. Mom and I talked the entire time and the child in me loved having my moms attention all to myself during that hour.

Kamloops is a tricky city if you're not familiar with it and to get to the spa we had to go down a steep hill. I am not super comfortable there and really not great with my parents truck, and half way down the hill to get to our appointment the truck stalled out and the steering wheel locked up.

I was terrified, and tried to not freak out to my mom. I had to do a quick lane change and muscle the wheel to the right to turn onto an off road so I could restart it. When I changed lanes and made an unexpected turn (we were following my aunt) my mom asked, a little concerned,  "whats going on?". I got us stopped and took a second to breath. My hands were shaking a little and I started nervous laughing that the truck stalled. My mom clearly had not noticed anything and with a big smile said "well done little girl."

Her praise feeds me even now. I could cry just thinking about her feeling safe with me.



After I got the truck restarted and we were back on our way, my mom informed me that one of her biggest regrets was that her and I never travelled together. Secretly it's one of mine as well. I always tried to keep my composure when I was around my mom when she was sick, I didn't feel like crying was ever helpful, so I just smiled and said "me too". To which she said, "well, when this is all done, you and I should go to Mexico next year", "A girls trip" and then she touched my hand and squeezed it.

There isn't much I want more right now.


When we got to the spa we parked and went into the Bulk Barn to get mom a snack of mixed nuts before our appointments. I know exactly which ones she got. Weird, I can still see them in my mind.




It was so lovely to laugh and talk. Spending the day with these two was wonderful. I cherish this memory so much.

After,  we went out to dinner and, as my mom always does, she would pay no attention to the fact it was her birthday too and she focused on her sister. We got her a little cake (that they shared) and we had a nice little dinner just the three of us.







She's wearing the Jacket she bought for Joey to Joeys birthday party!! This picture makes me laugh and cry at the same time. I have no fucking idea why she picked a Zero for the candle...her sick humour I guess.


I miss her and just wanted to make sure she knows I have thought about her all day today.































Love you mom.
xx


J

Today:

I am so grateful I got to spend so much time with you last year.

I am grateful for pictures and how they make me feel.

I am grateful for getting to know you better, and having these moments to think about as I get older.


Thank you for reading this and thinking of my mom.

Thursday, January 19

The Days You Don't Win At Parenting

Today I forgot about my sons dentist appointment, seems innocent right?

Except the appointment I forgot was the one where Ethan gets his braces off.

Yup.

So, no matter how bad your day was, how rough parenting was today, you were not the mom who forgot the day your kid has been waiting for, for the last 2 years.


Nope, today's parenting award goes to me.



There are some days I go to bed thinking "I have got this!"

And then days like today, where I wonder if the kids will ever talk to me again.


Today:

I am grateful for sleep and fresh starts

I am grateful Jones is safe traveling and having a nice time so far on his journey!

I am grateful for "I'm sorry"

J

Wednesday, January 11

Repairing My Damaged Relationship With Rock Climbing



Christmas vacation was so nice. Two weeks with the kids, relaxing around the house. Sleeping in and watching movies because it was so cold outside. It was perfect! 

One of the days, the older boys and I decided to go do something and after a few exchanges back and fourth of ideas that seemed fun, we settle on indoor climbing. 

I am not gonna lie, I was not super excited at first. In a few months it will be the anniversary of the night I fell and broke my leg indoor climbing. When we were driving to the rock gym, the boys were chatting back and forth and I just kept saying to myself "it's okay to be scared, just don't ruin it for the boys."

This will be their first time really climbing and I wanted them to feel safe and not hindered by my fear, and just as I thought, they took to it like naturals. 








Me on the other hand, I had to go slowly. I wasn't too sure how it would all go, but in the end, it actually felt nice being there again. The boys and I plan to return soon. I think next time I might actually get on the wall too.



I spent most of the drive home lost in thought about everything that happened after that night all those years ago. I kept thinking how much my life changed after my climbing accident and how so much of that shitty moment in my life, brought with it some of the greatest things I could have ever imagined.

First and possibly the biggest thing, my blog. After falling and being unable to walk for weeks on end, the suggestion of starting a blog to write my stories from my time as an EMT and to share my experience of the recovery was a god sent, it kept my mind busy and gave me some semblance of purpose when I couldn't even go to the bathroom alone.

The blog has been a blessing and a curse at times. I have had readers judge me based on things I have written, from commenting hurtful thing about me leaving the mormon church, to recently being told I am an unfit parent because of how upset I was (and talked to my doctor about Ativan) after my friend was killed and 4 months later my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Thank god readers and ignorance like that is few and far between.

As horrible as it is when people think they can use my blog against me which might deter others from continuing with it, my blog is the major reason I got the job at 102.3 NOW! radio. So, like everything, you need to take the bad with the good.

This blog has been my sanity for years, it has helped me meet and connect with others going through similar things in their lives, and has been a constant opportunity for me to tell my story to my kids and maybe one day, grandchildren. I am also proud to say this blog has inspired two other blogs (that I know of), and the idea that people feel free to share thoughts and ideas because I was, that's a damn good feeling.

Going back to the rock climbing gym was such a nice reminder that things don't hurt forever. No matter how painful and awful things are and how you sometimes get lost in the moment and can't imagine it ever ending, before you know it 7 years goes by and you actually can feel grateful for the pain and the realignment life takes after.


It was a good day.


J




Today:

I am grateful for music and the time machine it is and the power it has to remind me of past joys.

I am grateful for healed hurts, broken things repairing themselves, even if not perfectly, enough to carry on.

I am grateful that car air fresheners are strong enough to mask the small of dog vomit in my car.



Sunday, January 1

Ethan Turns 15


Ethan turned 15 this week. He towers over me and sometimes when I need to run outside to take the dog for a bathroom break, I use his shoes because they are so big I can keep my slipper socks on and still fit his shoes. Actually they are still too big, but they work. 


Every year I ask the same question, when did this tiny little boy








Turn into this giant almost man?









What an incredible honour it has been getting to watch you grow up to be this lovely young man. 

Happy Birthday Ethan, 

Love always 

Mom


Today:

I am grateful for the time I have spent with my kids over the years.