Thursday, December 1

Advent Day 1: Start With The Last

I thought this was such a great idea to blog all these Christmas memories, until I actually started blogging. Looking through old pictures and feeling all these feelings. Jason is trying to exercise in the room beside me and I am trying to find all of my pictures from Christmas last year. I have interrupted him 3 times now with bursts of tears, yelling at the computer and then "Jason come look at this one" when I find more.

Who's idea was this? .... ooh right, mine.

I have been listing on a piece of paper all the stories I could remember, ones I want to share the most. The ones that made me laugh are the ones I thought I'd start with, until I realized at some point I would have to talk about the hardest one, Moms last Christmas. So instead of avoiding it we will do that one first.

Deep Breath..

My last Christmas memory of my mom was last year.


I have just spent 30 minutes picking pictures for this post. I have had to stop 4 times to walk around the living room, I began making toast, started organizing my old bills.. why am I avoiding this?


Last year for Christmas I didn't have my kids (Drew and I alternate year to year who gets the children on the actual day) and for last year it turned out I was able to go spend it with everyone in BC.  Because of the circumstances after moms surgery, having found out the cancer had spread, getting to have Christmas as the child and be able to focus all my attention on mom was a true gift. One I treasure dearly.
It's an interesting roll caring for your parent. I had have taken care of kids as a mother myself, labouring mothers as a doula, sick people as an EMT, but nothing was quite as tender as helping with my own mom. Last years Christmas memory I guess is Service. A deep service that has changed who I am.


Here are some pictures from Moms last Christmas.




This is the Blanket I made mom for Christmas last year.











Mom and Steve gave us these metal animals last year, mine has pride of place at my door. I see it every day.  







 I guess I am not really sharing many stories in this blog post, maybe it's because this specific Christmas is still too raw. Pictures will be the main share here. I wish I had taken more. Why didn't I make a video? I guess its easy to look back and think Shudda, couldda, wouldda. Maybe this is a good reminder to take more. You're welcome for the reminder.







 Today:

I am grateful for pictures I do have. I am grateful for time and laughter.

I am grateful for this project I have given myself, even though it's painful.

J