Thursday, December 29

Monovering Life Without My Mom And New Beliefs.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas with people they love, or like....or at least at a bare  minimum,  tolerate without feeling violent.

It was a lovely day here. It's our third blendy family Christmas together and as the self appointed Christmas Captain I would say it was executed perfectly.

To be clear, my definition of executed perfectly means
1) We didn't run out of booze and a nice buzz was felt most of the day.
2) I only cried once thinking about mom.
3) Kids Didn't fight.
4) Dog didn't poop in the house.
5) No Food was burnt.

It was nice.Trying to make sure children remember the importance of the day, trying to make sure everyone has happy memories of the time we spend together. The importance of that is with me 24/7 now. It's one constant thought I appreciate having.

Christmas's are a new focus for me now without the religious tones. When other are "keeping christ in christmas" that doesn't apply to us anymore. So trying to figure out what it is about for us now is our newest family project.

I have really been reflecting on what my personal beliefs are now. After leaving the mormon church 5 years ago and feeling a massive relief doing so, I have had to figure out what I now think about certain things. What do I believe happens after death? Is there more, and if there is, what is it all about? Some new beliefs and thoughts have been easier to adjust: A white guy born in Israel to a virgin who had 12 friends with very english names isn't a difficult one for me to adjust. Christmas is about family and time together. Easy, Next!

Other believes are proving to be a tad more challenging. Like death.

I know what the mormon church taught me. After I die, if I was a "good woman" I would be one of an infinite number of wives to some "worthy" man (yes you read that correctly 1 man...loads of women) and make spirit children forever populating the world the man is now god over.. OMFG no. NO NO NO, birthing children is not all I am good for. In this life or the next. COME ON!!!

Once upon a time I was ok with this because it kept me safely tucked away not exploring my talents (unless those talents were singing of sewing) and kept me as far away from my money, thoughts and independence as possible.
BLAH BLAH BLAH... No. no more.

I no longer find comfort in that and it's taken me a while to get over things that happened while being mormon. Things I saw and knew about. How I didn't have a relationship with my family because of my moronism. How ok the church was with me not being close to my family because "they were my family".

Ooh the irony. Sad sad irony.

When you leave a religion, your world gets turned upside down. You need to refigure everything you have allowed yourself to be taught. So this year, that's what I am going to do.

I have been talking to a councillor for a few years now, Cara. She has helped me sort past things and helped me through this new relationship with Jason. Now I need something more.

I hired myself a life coach. Her name is Shawna. I decided I needed direction (moving forward). Changing my internal dialog and figuring out this next chapter of my life without the guidance of a mother and being told what to think by a church with their own agenda governed by men.
I see how much I need woman in my life now more than ever.

I didn't realize that before. I really wish I had.


There will be no diet resolutions this year, just new things added to my bucket list. Experiences I long to have before my time is up. Priority will be given to experiences over things. Learning from other women I respect will be my focus.


I'm looking forward to 2017.

J

Today:

I am grateful for coffee.

I am grateful for sleep.

I am grateful for jeans that still fit after a solid week of eating!
























2 comments:

Kirstan C. O'Brien said...

I love this, Joelle! Change is hard but I'm so happy that you're finding a way through it. /hug

Maclean Nash said...

I love and admire you so much.