Thursday, April 14

The Paradox of Sadness and Gratitude



par·a·dox
ˈperəˌdäks/
noun

-a situation, person, or thing that combines contradictory features or qualities.



Blogging is not an option right now... for the most part. 

I have written lots, but can not let it into the world just yet. The emotions that have been swirling in my head for the last 3 months are best kept stored for now. Probably because I am not ready to grasp all the complexities of this part of my journey at this moment. 

But this one thing keeps coming up and I feel it's time to talk about it. 


The Paradox between Sadness and Gratitude. 

I have now, on numerous occasions, had conversations with people regarding my mother and how she is doing and then of course how I am doing, that for some reason or another have concluded in that person saying something like, "well just remember to be grateful for Jason" or "Remember your blessings and that you have a nice house"
 I have also been told, "just be more grateful"

These interactions leave me very confused. I leave feeling angry and baffled and sometimes sadder than I did before I started talking to that person. 

Why can't sadness and gratitude hold space at the same time? Does me being sad automatically mean I am ungrateful?

I consider myself someone who is very grateful. It's my life motto. I strive to be grateful in everything I do. Does me being mad or heartbroken over my mother somehow make me less grateful? Can't I be both? 

I went for my morning walk today and posed this question to Mel, my friend who's Mother in law is now end stages of liver cancer and we talked about this. I asked her the same thing and she said, "If I wasn't grateful for these things, I would have no reason to be sad." 

And that finally gave me a vocabulary to why these exchanges leave me feeling so annoyed. 

The suggestion I am not grateful is offensive. Of course I am grateful. I am grateful for everything I have, but the idea that my 2 year relationship with a man is somehow a magic repair to the deep, confusing and devastating wounds I feel regarding my mother getting sick is ridiculous. She has been my mother for 38 years. It's a complex thing. 
This has and will forever change who I am. 

Jason knows he is the love of my life and not even he would be so foolish to think he makes natural, healthy and expected sadness vanish. 

I think people just get scared of strong emotions. They don't know how to just listen. Just allowing someone to voice their sadness (that might also presents itself as anger) is hard for people. It's uncomfortable. So, they need to fill that space instead of holding it. 

"Ooh it's ok"
"Just be grateful for what you do have"
"Remember your kids"
"Be grateful you have a nice house"
"Just be happy"

BLAH!!!  Seriously... WTF???

If people think having a man and a house is going to make my heart heal from what my mother and family are going through and make the pain go away...Then I am a horrible horrible person who does not deserve friends. If that's the kind of person you think I am, please, for the love of god, put me on a raft and push me out to sea. I do not want to be that kind of person. 

If holding space is difficult let me offer some helpful things for you to say instead. 

"I am so sorry you are feeling this way"
"This seems really hard"
"Do you want to go punch things with me?"

.....or, just go bake muffins. Don't talk, just bake muffins, muffins and wine. 


I challenge this idea that these two emotions can not have pride of place at the same time in my heart and be treated with the same respect. I do not accept that when I am one, I am not able to be the other as well. Both feelings are beautiful in their own way. 

The other night when I was putting Nora to bed after a long day, she asked to be tucked in. She wanted to have the blanket shoved under her sides as she lied there in bed with the covers up to her chin. She is 8 and has not asked for that in ages. Normally we just read together. But this night she wanted to be tightly tucked in and in that moment a wave of emotion hit me remembering that very thing my mother use to do for me when I was little. I felt a wash of sadness and gratitude at the same time. Sad for times long past, and gratitude for stored memories that are surfacing at times when I least expect them. 

I can be both. I am both. Sadness and Gratitude seem like friends right now in my life, and I don't think I will feel one without the other for a long time to come. They might even get matching tattoos. 


Today:

I am grateful for understanding. I am so sorry the Straight Family is going through this, but it's nice to have someone to talk to who understands my feelings. 

I am grateful for friends who, without hesitation, can make me laugh and get me. 

I am grateful for the bright beautiful sun that blasted through the windows this morning. Buds on my tree and the geese back in the lake. The Lilacs will be out soon and my heart heals best around lilacs. 

J











Saturday, April 9

Jason Asked Me To Marry Him

I'll start off the blog by ending the suspense, I said yes.


There ya go.

Now, to back track a little.

Yesterday at work, unplanned, Rob and I were having a conversation about weddings and over the course of the hour talked about how people plan them... and how some are good and some are bad, and that's when Rob asked me off air, "should we officially tell the listeners Jason asked you to marry him?"

So we posted THIS on the work Facebook page.

I did not think anything of it.
Jason asked me to marry him a few months ago, but with the stress of everything else going on I didn't get around to blogging/texting or calling people just yet.  I was planning to, just have not gotten around to it.

Maybe in me not blogging yet there is also some fear that because Jason and I have been married before this might not be something people want to get excited about. Or they would feel it's silly or unnecessary or just poorly timed. Maybe I just fear judgment and so I have kept it quiet.

So yesterday when Rob and I talked about it I was shocked, humbled  and filled with gratitude at how many well wishes I received. Even Jason got private texts from people he works with who heard about it on the radio.

Then last night while walking with Melanie, she reminded me that even though we have been married before, people (especially our dear friends) will be excited for us and want to celebrate this with us.

So, I am sorry I didn't let everyone know ASAP. I am sorry I assumed people would be uninterested.

Jason and I are very excited to finally get this right, and will share details as they come.




And thank you so much for being excited and happy for us. It means the world to me. I am excited to laugh and explore the world with this guy for the rest of my days!

There was a time I didn't think I would ever want to do this again. I didn't think it was for me or that, frankly, I was any good at being a wife. But he made me change my mind. He is my friend and he has helped heal parts of my heart I thought were broken forever.


*** Revision***

I went for lunch today with a girlfriend and while I was driving in to meet her, about an hour after I posted this, I realized I did not say that correctly.
Jason has not done ANY of my healing for me.
What this wonderful man HAS done is he has provided a safe place for me to do my own healing. He holds space for me to feel whatever I am feeling and he allows that to take as long as it needs. He does not pressure me to be anything. He allows me to spread my wings and is not threatened by my success, life, friends or journey.
He supports my creative freedom and I him.
He laughs with me daily and when we disagree, it is respectfully.

That is why we are getting married. That is what changed my mind.




J

Today:

I am grateful for the reminder that people who love you are always rooting for you.

I am grateful for shared experiences. My mom and Melanies mother in law are going through the same things right now and it's nice to have someone to  walk with at night and talk to about it.


I am grateful for cold cereal and beer at night.