Saturday, November 7

I Am Sad And My Pants Are Tight

My mom had her biopsy Thursday. Apparently she snores like a lumber jack when she is sedated.

It will be a week before we know the results. It's been a bit of a roller coaster ride for my parents this last week, so it will be nice finally hearing the actual diagnosis.

When my parents got back from Kelowna Thursday (where she had her biopsy) my dad sent me the most innocent of texts but it really moved me.

He text me that when they finally got home from the biopsy, he "held her until she fell asleep" because she was so groggy from the meds.

This whole process has been a huge growing one for us all. Clearly we all go through this and end up in some distorted form of ourselves when it's all over. My Parents are becoming closer and more tender towards each other..I am, in no way embarrassed to say, am depressed.

I can't seem to shake this darkness and heavy feeling. I go to Cara, my therapist and she helps, but this is something that is very real and something I have never experienced before.

I just feel sad. I struggle to sleep and I do not feel happy. I am even struggling to be grateful.

I trust it will not last forever. I trust it is situational, but for now it has a very tight and sure hold on me. we just wait.

In the mean time, I am eating. WHY DO I EAT??? Why can't I stop eating when I am stressed??
Why does my instant response to things have to be to shove food in my face? Sigh... my pants are tight.

One day I would love to be "I was so busy all day that I forgot to eat"!

Anyhow. We wait.


If you don't mind, I'd love to hear your gratitude's. Maybe you could fill this section in for me and I could just feel your gratitude for things in your life. Big and small.