Friday, October 23

Coffee.. You're On The Bench. Ativan, Suit Up!!

It's been 4 days now and I still can't sleep.

Earlier this summer when Rob, my co-host, left and my friend Dan died I just felt sad.

Profound sadness, depression even.

A heavy sad that I couldn't shake. I would cry and I would sleep. Actually, that is all I wanted to do. I just never felt rested. I would sometimes sleep for 12 hours and when the alarm went off in the morning I couldn't hardly drag my sorry ass up.

This does not feel like that.

This is different, actually, it feels completely different.

I feel panic.
I feel panic that I am wasting time.

Time is what I am profoundly aware of! When there is a perceived lack of it, rational or not, I go into an instant panic attack.  Today when I was shopping for things for work I couldn't remember how many shower rods I needed for our haunted house.  I went into a full blown panic attack in the middle of Walmart worried that I was wasting my time there and how I would have to go all the way home to get the list and return.

I sat down on the floor, took a few deep breaths and after a few minutes decided to risk it and buy 6 and if I needed more I would just come back. It's almost like I have to talk myself into thinking logically.

With this, I don't feel like sleeping. My brain doesn't shut off,  I over think everything. I think about how I am not with mom right now. I think about how I could be using my time in a more effective way. I think about how I should be spending time with the kids, I should be writing, sorting personal issues, spending time bonding with Jason....'cause remember that lucky bastard who I just bought a house with 5 months ago ...hahahahahah....Ooh how he probably didn't expect our first few months living together like this. Sadness overload!

He is, quite simply, the most wonderful man for me...ever.

When I do finally fall asleep and the alarm goes off in the morning,  I awake with an instant jolt and the panic heart pounding begins again worrying about what I could, should and will be doing.

Tonight is adivan night. We will see how it goes. I need sleep.

I also decided to talk to the kids about mom.  I didn't say much but I decided they deserved to know why their mom is a little more short tempered than normal. I got an email from Seth's teacher today that he was talking to her today about his grandma and how he is worried about her.  Who would have thought a tiny organ like a pancreas could upset so many worlds.


After I wrote last night, while laying in bed over thinking life, I realized I didn't write gratitude's. I never even thought about feeling gratitude. Because I don't feel grateful.

Then today a kind thing happened and I thank you for that. Whoever you are. Thank you.

And after I sleep tonight, I hope to have a clear head.