Tuesday, July 14

Humble Pie Tastes Like Sh*t

To say I have been feeling a little off lately would be an understatement.

I am grumpy beyond explanation and I feel bad. Just grumpy, miserable, bitchy...just plain old rotten.

It doesn't happen often, but when it does, It is the one thing I completely hate about myself. I have been complaining to my close friends, and being more of a wrecker instead of a builder. I moan and complain, seek out things to be offended about...UGH, I am just so sick of my own damn self, but i can't seem to shake it.

Anyhow, as mortifying as it is to admit, I had a bit of a light bulb day today.

I decided, for some reason, to go grab lunch today...alone.

I went to a little place in Spruce Grove and I sat there by myself reading things on my phone when I over heard 3 women sitting at a table near mine.

The women were complaining about a woman who was not there, there were being really mean and saying some rather awful things rather loudly. They would flip back and forth in conversation from things this absent women was doing that was horribly awful, to how awful their lives were (at the time) to them being a tad over dramatic about some offence they had taken over something.

I was rolling my eyes while listening to them, full of my own judgment and arrogance..and I actually had the thought, "I wonder if they can hear themselves"  and almost immediately little voice inside my head said "That is how you sound lately! Be nice"

Now I don't know anything about these women, nor the one the were talking about. They absolutely could have completely valid points and if I had known the situations I would have agreed...But what they were saying made me FEEL bad.

I had to put my fork down and stop eating. The shame I felt in that moment was so over whelming I almost started to cry.

I can see the parallels, I feel justified in how i have been acting lately, but it must not be all that pleasant to be around me when I'm like that. And I want to be a builder, I want to fill buckets, not make people want to get the hell away from me because being around me when I'm like this is draining for them.

I don't normally write twice in a day, but this was so moving and made me completely stop in my self righteous, winy, negative Nancy tracks I had to write it so I don't forget it.

Then as punishment after my life lesson here, the salad I ordered was so gross I couldn't even eat half of it. Maybe it's because food taste horrible when its got humble pie dressing on it.


Thank you universe, point taken, lesson learned.

Today:

Sigh...I am grateful for having it pointed out to me how I need to correct what I am doing. And how it affects others

I am grateful for being reminded that Nice Matters.

I am grateful for this experience. I will do better.

J





Summer Nights, Driving and Getting Older.

The older the kids get the harder this parenting stuff is getting. By harder I just mean more emotionally tiring.
They are growing and learning and challenging me with all the things they are wanting to do, say, try and disagree with. They are figuring out what they believe, are passionate about, what they want to stand for and how they feel about things.  Most days I am so exhausted from having my brain going a million miles an hour I collapse in bed at night. Challenging authority is a right of passage, I remember being like that too at their age. What is hard is having to do it with 4 children at the same time, and yet, I still often wish I had had more because as draining as it can be, it's so fun having a full house.

They come by this honestly though, (I wasn't the worlds easiest child. I know.. shocking right?)

*Here is where I'd like to thank my parents for all they did for me, and did it without he use of physical violence


One evening last week, we decided to go out and play some basketball on the drive way. When Jason went out to get things ready (moving cars off the drive) Ethan went with him. When I got my shoes on and came outside, Gabe says to me, "Ethan is driving". I grabbed my phone, ran over to the truck and took pictures of his first time behind the wheel. It was cute. Ethan, with direction from Jason, pulled out of the drive way and turned to park the truck. I was so proud...until the truck didn't stop and kept going. My heart ached as I watched my little boy drive around the entire Boulevard. He was going a terrifying 2 km/hour..but it was still hard to watch. He is growing up so fast and is becoming such an independent young man. I felt pride, excitement and a little tinge of anger that Jason was helping enable this independence and supporting this separation that is already coming between son and mother. It's like Jason, with the keys to the truck, was hacking at the umbilical cord. 

I felt like Ethan was a toddler again and was trying to walk. Where I wanted to push him down, back to the seated position to not rush the progression, to preserve the baby stage for as long as I could..*GASP*..Here is Jason, instead,  holding his hand telling him to stand up, showing him how to do it and even encouraging it??!! WHAT.. who's side are you on anyway Jason?!










When we get to have nights that are slower, more relaxed and we get to just hang out together I really cherish those times even more.  Knowing that its only a few more years until they are away at collage being all grow up and not needing me around as much.




I do think one of my most favourite things as a parent is watching the children develop relationships between each other. 



Good heavens this kid makes me smile. 

























When I was a new mom, and I would sit with my babies rocking them to sleep at ungodly hours of the night, after a long day of breastfeeding, barf and constant self doubt. It was this stage that I would day dream about to get me through those times. When days/hours with littles felt like years, I would imagine watching basketball games, talking about crushes and going on trips where everyone could get themselves in and out of the car with out my having to do everything.

 I loved babies, but that was/is the HARDEST part of parenting for me. I would day dream about what they would be like when they could talk, and what their little personalities would be like. I love parenting preteens and teenagers. It has it's own challenges, of course, parenting isn't a cake walk..but I do love this chapter where there is more independence and a lot less diapers and bum wiping. Im t the stage I have been waiting for. So to you young mothers/fathers out there, It will get easier! There will come a time when you don't have to do everything and I promise IT IS WONDERFUL and worth all the time you're investing now!! Just hold on a little longer:)


Today:

I am grateful for the thick warm air. It feels a lot like BC right now. Summer nights are a gift. Staying up late, sleeping in. Hot days and warm nights.
I just love this time of year!

I am grateful I made it relatively unscathed through the baby stage and get to enjoy this time.

I am grateful for perspective.

J