Saturday, November 7

I Am Sad And My Pants Are Tight

My mom had her biopsy Thursday. Apparently she snores like a lumber jack when she is sedated.

It will be a week before we know the results. It's been a bit of a roller coaster ride for my parents this last week, so it will be nice finally hearing the actual diagnosis.


When my parents got back from Kelowna Thursday (where she had her biopsy) my dad sent me the most innocent of texts but it really moved me.

He text me that when they finally got home from the biopsy, he "held her until she fell asleep" because she was so groggy from the meds.

This whole process has been a huge growing one for us all. Clearly we all go through this and end up in some distorted form of ourselves when it's all over. My Parents are becoming closer and more tender towards each other..I am, in no way embarrassed to say, am depressed.

I can't seem to shake this darkness and heavy feeling. I go to Cara, my therapist and she helps, but this is something that is very real and something I have never experienced before.

I just feel sad. I struggle to sleep and I do not feel happy. I am even struggling to be grateful.

I trust it will not last forever. I trust it is situational, but for now it has a very tight and sure hold on me.

Now...now we just wait.

In the mean time, I am eating. WHY DO I EAT??? Why can't I stop eating when I am stressed??
Why does my instant response to things have to be to shove food in my face? Sigh... my pants are tight.

One day I would love to be "I was so busy all day that I forgot to eat"!

Anyhow. We wait.

J

If you don't mind, I'd love to hear your gratitude's. Maybe you could fill this section in for me and I could just feel your gratitude for things in your life. Big and small.


please.











11 comments:

Kirstan C. O'Brien said...

I am grateful for your honesty, Joelle, and your willingness to share this journey. You inspire me with your strength and courage and love. Thank you.

Unknown said...

I too am grateful for your honesty. You have opened yourself up to us which is something that takes great courage and strength. You are stronger then you know. In my personal life I am grateful to be carrying a healthy baby. Although I have a rare complication that could change things at any minute, today my baby is healthy and kicking up a storm and for that I am grateful.

Tracy Gibson said...

I am grateful for my adult daughters who are incredibly smart and thoughtful and caring. It makes me think I did something right when I mostly feel I did lots of things wrong. And although my husband and I disagree about religion, we still love each other and support each other for which I am SO grateful for at this time.

I am always grateful for you. For making me laugh when I, too, feel very sad most of the time.I get an instant smile on my face and my heart feels lighter when I turn on the radio and hear you talk and laugh. Thank you.

Watching my mom struggle with illness and then pass away almost 3 years ago now, ripped my heart apart. It still is mending and I have to say, that it still needs steri-strips to keep the edges together at times.Just when I think it has no more gaping holes in the incision, it comes ripping apart. And starts to heal all over again. I now have scars. And the wound is no longer fresh.

My heart truly aches for you and send my love. I am glad you are talking to someone. I have started to talk to someone again as well because my nerves are still torn and healing and I am still in constant pain. 15 months of pain makes me sad. Being sad is exhausting. Especially when you have kids right?

The best think that has kept me sane is meditation. And crying with lots of kleenex and diet coke. And I walk.

Call me if you have time. I understand your time constraints. You are sandwiched between your parents needing you and your children needing you. And your partner. Where is there room for you? I know that sandwich feeling. Breathe;)

Take good care my friend.

Tracy

Sandra said...

I am grateful you are sharing your pain. I am grateful for your bright light and spirit you bring to the airways. I am grateful for your candor - as an emotional eater who battles depression and anxieties, I know all too well what you are going through. I send you positive thoughts, prayers and hugs <3

Danielle Lorieau said...

I am grateful for you, your sharing of your personal experiences, and grateful for life. It may not be perfect or everything I want but it is still an amazing experience nonetheless ��

Unknown said...

Dear Joelle... a friend sent me your blog as I went through something similar about two years ago... keep writing, sharing... your journey is a gift, the most difficult kind! I am so sorry about your mama... and the tight pants I get too! I gained 40 pounds in 6 months, but am now healthier than ever 2 years later as I found a great nutritional system to help my body and mind heal. I pray for the angels on this earth including your family, friends, nurses, doctors, social workers, counsellors to surround you.

RobynL.Wiebe said...

I am Grateful for you, my friend, who cares so much for others and who walks with them through so many things. I am grateful for Family and Friends, relationships are so important. I am grateful for my Faith...my relationship with God has gotten me through many difficult times and stressful situations. I am grateful for prayer and how honest I can be and how accepted I am no matter the messy place I may be in. I love you, and I am praying for all of you.
Robyn

Cindy Dallaire said...

I am grateful that someone else has tight pants bc of emotional eating! I am grateful that you are sharing your journey and Parker and I talk about it so he can be there for his best friend Gabe! I am grateful our boys have each other. Gabe is a kind caring boy who is just like his mom!

Lori L'H said...

I am grateful that Augie's love gave me, YOU!!! I am grateful to pass on my experience. The opposite of fear is Faith. The opposite of sad is Gratitude. Blessed with memories and years and pictures. When I need, I call my people, they help and listen. And I pray! Love you!!!

Ken said...

I am grateful for stretchy pants!

.....and cookies.

And I suppose I'm grateful how nicely those two go together. :)

Bonnie said...

Today I am grateful that my friend's 10 year old daughter got to come home after her second brain surgery. Not cancerous this time.
Today I am grateful to be able to plan for a 5 day weekend.
Today I am grateful for a calm night at home.