Monday, November 23

Seth...Dear Seth, Turned 11 Today

This delightful boy turned 11 today. 

He is quiet, he never causes any trouble. He is always polite. He is cautious and caring. He thinks of others first, he helps with everything. He is brilliant beyond his years. He is soft spoken and sensitive. 
He is Joy. 

Happy Birthday You beautiful Boy! 

Love mom

Sunday, November 22

Adulting...Waaay Over Rated!

I think I am fast approaching my max of what I can handle stress wise. What is the max? When I reach it what exactly will occur? I am hoping a buzzer goes off so there will be no mistaking it.

I am in new territory of this stress game. It's a fun game, its always throwing you a new pitch, it likes to keep things interesting.

I am past the over eating, just turned the corner on the non sleeping thing, took a right at constantly grumpy and am going full speed ahead to complete insanity, and by insanity I mean, I don't cry at things that actually SHOULD make me cry like talking with people about how I'm doing or videos about military families reuniting. No!! No emotion to RELEVANT things, but show me a bloody dog or cat video and I'm a blubbering mess. Or worse, those videos where different and unexpected animals are friends, like the goat and the horse and I'll burst into tears and cry enough for 3 people.  Like I said....insanity.

On top of that, Jason and I seem to be sharper with each other when we speak, which is completely new for us.  Granted we have not been together 2 years yet, so we are still rather new. Maybe it was only a matter of time until we became this way, but nothing thus far suggested we were headed this direction, so I feel it's safe to assume this is due to stress. I don't like this, I like staying in the proverbial honeymoon stage for as long as humanly possible.

And the cherry on the top of the last few weeks is when I woke from a dead sleep the other night at 2 am with chest pains. Shot straight up from the completely prone position.

 I have never had chest pains before, so I was a little shocked when they didn't just go away. The pain was so intense I actually considered calling the ambulance. Jason got out of bed and demanded I get into the truck and he was going to take me. I refused so he, annoyed with my stubbornness,  just went back to bed. It happened a few more times and finally quit around 3am.

I kept thinking back to all those times when I was an EMT and  I picked up people who were just having Angina or a panic attack and remember thinking, DUHH how could you confuse this with a REAL heart attack.... ooh I'll tell you how snotty 20 year old Joelle, CAUSE IT F#CKING HURTS, and it's in your chest and that's scary and you don't know how to make it stop, and it's hard to breath!! I could smack 20 year old me right now for her insensitivity.

If nothing else these last few months have been delivering me a nice huge serving of humble pie.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other night and when I asked her how she handles stress (she experienced some personal things similar to all this not too long ago) she said stress presents itself as  patches of her skin blowing up bright red and is painful and irritated.  So I guess we all have our own ways of dealing with this grown up stuff.

Adulting blows sometimes.

Moms Surgery is booked for the beginning of December. I am glad we have a date now. She will have a pre-op appointment the end of November, then if everything is still a go, she will be done with this before Christmas!

I need some suggestions for Apps, Good Books and Movies to put on moms iPad so she doesn't go completely loopy in the hospital, so any and all suggestions are welcome.

...and a tranquilizer gun if you have one. I could really use that too.


I am grateful I didn't have a heart attack.

I am grateful for the glorious distraction of work and for good people there. It's nice to escape.

I am grateful for generosity, I see so many good people doing so many good things for others, it fills my bucket. We got to help with the Ronald McDonald House this last week at work and so many loving people more than filled its shelves for these children for Christmas. Sigh... People are amazing!


Tuesday, November 17

Biopsy Results Come With Stupid Words.

The results from my moms biopsy came back yesterday.

It's malignant.

What an odd word, isn't it. Malignant. It sounds like a undesirable personality trait. "She was rather  Malignant when ordering."

So my mom will be having the surgery as soon as possible. The surgery is called a Whipple.

Again, another odd word. It sounds like a dessert doesn't it?
"I'll have chocolate, he wants vanilla and we will both have Whipple on top."

I can not imagine a less desirable dessert. It's like ordering a baseball bat to the face after a meal.

Now, now it's game time.

Now my family gets to rally together and we all see what we are made of. My Grandparents won an award in their church once, years ago.  It was "Family of the Month". They have it framed in their hallway and for years, every time I saw it I would roll my eyes and laugh.

I would make fun of it with my cousins. How would they win such a stupid award when all of their children are adults and their grandchildren are adults. How does their church even know our family...I mocked it pretty hard.

But now, I have thought about that award so much this week it's embarrassing. I have actually thought, that silly award is actually really accurate. Our family, my aunts, uncles, cousins all of these people are what is going to get us all through this in one piece. We are a support network for each other. We are like a gang. All of us cousins had to sit at the kids table for all those years and it melted us into the friends we are as adults.

Sigh... it's gonna be a shitty few weeks/months. Obviously more for mom than the rest of us. But I read last night that this surgery will cause her to lose around 20 pounds.. and anyone who knows my mom knows she will love this because with that kind of weight loss she wont have to pay for her yearly fees for her weight watchers membership.

I can feel my dark humor returning. I am sleeping better now and I am laughing again.  I can feel myself getting ready to tackle this and do my part. I am game ready, and we have a great team.

We are team Holly and Poor Rousey doesn't even know what's about to fucking hit her.


I am grateful for friends who make me laugh. Really laugh from the belly and make my face hurt.

I am grateful for aroma therapy and Terri who is helping me to find natural ways to relax and sleep.

I am grateful for finally getting to a place of acceptance.


Saturday, November 7

I Am Sad And My Pants Are Tight

My mom had her biopsy Thursday. Apparently she snores like a lumber jack when she is sedated.

It will be a week before we know the results. It's been a bit of a roller coaster ride for my parents this last week, so it will be nice finally hearing the actual diagnosis.

When my parents got back from Kelowna Thursday (where she had her biopsy) my dad sent me the most innocent of texts but it really moved me.

He text me that when they finally got home from the biopsy, he "held her until she fell asleep" because she was so groggy from the meds.

This whole process has been a huge growing one for us all. Clearly we all go through this and end up in some distorted form of ourselves when it's all over. My Parents are becoming closer and more tender towards each other..I am, in no way embarrassed to say, am depressed.

I can't seem to shake this darkness and heavy feeling. I go to Cara, my therapist and she helps, but this is something that is very real and something I have never experienced before.

I just feel sad. I struggle to sleep and I do not feel happy. I am even struggling to be grateful.

I trust it will not last forever. I trust it is situational, but for now it has a very tight and sure hold on me. we just wait.

In the mean time, I am eating. WHY DO I EAT??? Why can't I stop eating when I am stressed??
Why does my instant response to things have to be to shove food in my face? Sigh... my pants are tight.

One day I would love to be "I was so busy all day that I forgot to eat"!

Anyhow. We wait.


If you don't mind, I'd love to hear your gratitude's. Maybe you could fill this section in for me and I could just feel your gratitude for things in your life. Big and small.