Friday, October 23

Coffee.. You're On The Bench. Ativan, Suit Up!!

It's been 4 days now and I still can't sleep.

Earlier this summer when Rob, my co-host, left and my friend Dan died I just felt sad.

Profound sadness, depression even.

A heavy sad that I couldn't shake. I would cry and I would sleep. Actually, that is all I wanted to do. I just never felt rested. I would sometimes sleep for 12 hours and when the alarm went off in the morning I couldn't hardly drag my sorry ass up.

This does not feel like that.

This is different, actually, it feels completely different.

I feel panic.
I feel panic that I am wasting time.

Time is what I am profoundly aware of! When there is a perceived lack of it, rational or not, I go into an instant panic attack.  Today when I was shopping for things for work I couldn't remember how many shower rods I needed for our haunted house.  I went into a full blown panic attack in the middle of Walmart worried that I was wasting my time there and how I would have to go all the way home to get the list and return.

I sat down on the floor, took a few deep breaths and after a few minutes decided to risk it and buy 6 and if I needed more I would just come back. It's almost like I have to talk myself into thinking logically.

With this, I don't feel like sleeping. My brain doesn't shut off,  I over think everything. I think about how I am not with mom right now. I think about how I could be using my time in a more effective way. I think about how I should be spending time with the kids, I should be writing, sorting personal issues, spending time bonding with Jason....'cause remember that lucky bastard who I just bought a house with 5 months ago ...hahahahahah....Ooh how he probably didn't expect our first few months living together like this. Sadness overload!

He is, quite simply, the most wonderful man for me...ever.

When I do finally fall asleep and the alarm goes off in the morning,  I awake with an instant jolt and the panic heart pounding begins again worrying about what I could, should and will be doing.

Tonight is adivan night. We will see how it goes. I need sleep.

I also decided to talk to the kids about mom.  I didn't say much but I decided they deserved to know why their mom is a little more short tempered than normal. I got an email from Seth's teacher today that he was talking to her today about his grandma and how he is worried about her.  Who would have thought a tiny organ like a pancreas could upset so many worlds.


After I wrote last night, while laying in bed over thinking life, I realized I didn't write gratitude's. I never even thought about feeling gratitude. Because I don't feel grateful.

Then today a kind thing happened and I thank you for that. Whoever you are. Thank you.

And after I sleep tonight, I hope to have a clear head.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Im sorry your going through this. Please know you are not alone in your profound sadness. I too am there for my own reasons. There are many others, like myself, like you that can't sleep and over think, and miss someone, and think and think and think. Ive taken a leave from work and "love note " witting because work seems too much like work. and i cant control when my moments of sadness hit me. so please know. though you feel alone. you are not. I send you, and anyone whom may feel alone and reading this. healing. love and light C