Tuesday, July 14

Humble Pie Tastes Like Sh*t

To say I have been feeling a little off lately would be an understatement.

I am grumpy beyond explanation and I feel bad. Just grumpy, miserable, bitchy...just plain old rotten.

It doesn't happen often, but when it does, It is the one thing I completely hate about myself. I have been complaining to my close friends, and being more of a wrecker instead of a builder. I moan and complain, seek out things to be offended about...UGH, I am just so sick of my own damn self, but i can't seem to shake it.

Anyhow, as mortifying as it is to admit, I had a bit of a light bulb day today.

I decided, for some reason, to go grab lunch today...alone.

I went to a little place in Spruce Grove and I sat there by myself reading things on my phone when I over heard 3 women sitting at a table near mine.

The women were complaining about a woman who was not there, there were being really mean and saying some rather awful things rather loudly. They would flip back and forth in conversation from things this absent women was doing that was horribly awful, to how awful their lives were (at the time) to them being a tad over dramatic about some offence they had taken over something.

I was rolling my eyes while listening to them, full of my own judgment and arrogance..and I actually had the thought, "I wonder if they can hear themselves"  and almost immediately little voice inside my head said "That is how you sound lately! Be nice"

Now I don't know anything about these women, nor the one the were talking about. They absolutely could have completely valid points and if I had known the situations I would have agreed...But what they were saying made me FEEL bad.

I had to put my fork down and stop eating. The shame I felt in that moment was so over whelming I almost started to cry.

I can see the parallels, I feel justified in how i have been acting lately, but it must not be all that pleasant to be around me when I'm like that. And I want to be a builder, I want to fill buckets, not make people want to get the hell away from me because being around me when I'm like this is draining for them.

I don't normally write twice in a day, but this was so moving and made me completely stop in my self righteous, winy, negative Nancy tracks I had to write it so I don't forget it.

Then as punishment after my life lesson here, the salad I ordered was so gross I couldn't even eat half of it. Maybe it's because food taste horrible when its got humble pie dressing on it.


Thank you universe, point taken, lesson learned.

Today:

Sigh...I am grateful for having it pointed out to me how I need to correct what I am doing. And how it affects others

I am grateful for being reminded that Nice Matters.

I am grateful for this experience. I will do better.

J





Summer Nights, Driving and Getting Older.

The older the kids get the harder this parenting stuff is getting. By harder I just mean more emotionally tiring.
They are growing and learning and challenging me with all the things they are wanting to do, say, try and disagree with. They are figuring out what they believe, are passionate about, what they want to stand for and how they feel about things.  Most days I am so exhausted from having my brain going a million miles an hour I collapse in bed at night. Challenging authority is a right of passage, I remember being like that too at their age. What is hard is having to do it with 4 children at the same time, and yet, I still often wish I had had more because as draining as it can be, it's so fun having a full house.

They come by this honestly though, (I wasn't the worlds easiest child. I know.. shocking right?)

*Here is where I'd like to thank my parents for all they did for me, and did it without he use of physical violence


One evening last week, we decided to go out and play some basketball on the drive way. When Jason went out to get things ready (moving cars off the drive) Ethan went with him. When I got my shoes on and came outside, Gabe says to me, "Ethan is driving". I grabbed my phone, ran over to the truck and took pictures of his first time behind the wheel. It was cute. Ethan, with direction from Jason, pulled out of the drive way and turned to park the truck. I was so proud...until the truck didn't stop and kept going. My heart ached as I watched my little boy drive around the entire Boulevard. He was going a terrifying 2 km/hour..but it was still hard to watch. He is growing up so fast and is becoming such an independent young man. I felt pride, excitement and a little tinge of anger that Jason was helping enable this independence and supporting this separation that is already coming between son and mother. It's like Jason, with the keys to the truck, was hacking at the umbilical cord. 

I felt like Ethan was a toddler again and was trying to walk. Where I wanted to push him down, back to the seated position to not rush the progression, to preserve the baby stage for as long as I could..*GASP*..Here is Jason, instead,  holding his hand telling him to stand up, showing him how to do it and even encouraging it??!! WHAT.. who's side are you on anyway Jason?!










When we get to have nights that are slower, more relaxed and we get to just hang out together I really cherish those times even more.  Knowing that its only a few more years until they are away at collage being all grow up and not needing me around as much.




I do think one of my most favourite things as a parent is watching the children develop relationships between each other. 



Good heavens this kid makes me smile. 

























When I was a new mom, and I would sit with my babies rocking them to sleep at ungodly hours of the night, after a long day of breastfeeding, barf and constant self doubt. It was this stage that I would day dream about to get me through those times. When days/hours with littles felt like years, I would imagine watching basketball games, talking about crushes and going on trips where everyone could get themselves in and out of the car with out my having to do everything.

 I loved babies, but that was/is the HARDEST part of parenting for me. I would day dream about what they would be like when they could talk, and what their little personalities would be like. I love parenting preteens and teenagers. It has it's own challenges, of course, parenting isn't a cake walk..but I do love this chapter where there is more independence and a lot less diapers and bum wiping. Im t the stage I have been waiting for. So to you young mothers/fathers out there, It will get easier! There will come a time when you don't have to do everything and I promise IT IS WONDERFUL and worth all the time you're investing now!! Just hold on a little longer:)


Today:

I am grateful for the thick warm air. It feels a lot like BC right now. Summer nights are a gift. Staying up late, sleeping in. Hot days and warm nights.
I just love this time of year!

I am grateful I made it relatively unscathed through the baby stage and get to enjoy this time.

I am grateful for perspective.

J


Sunday, July 12

Jason And I Went To Seattle.

Jason and I took off for a few days to Seattle. It was a bucket list trip.

It was bitter sweet in a few ways, but the trip was glorious and Seattle is a shockingly fun city! It's one of those cities I never had intended to go to, but we are so glad we did.

Because I didn't blog during the trip, I'll spare you the back stories and just post pictures! That way you can see all the fun things we did and saw!




The airport before take off....ooh what a rough morning. Because our trip was book before, we had to leave the morning of Dan's funeral. So we sat in the airport and watched his funeral on all 7 airpot TV's. I was crying, it was awkward. I felt disloyal to my friend for not being at his funeral, but I am so thankful I got to say my goodbyes to him privatly at the memorial a few days before. 


Flying is not high on the list of my favourite things, but its sure pretty. 


I dont post many picture of Jason yet.. so here is his... hand? 




Jason Bought us new shoes the morning of our trip, so comfortable to do so much walking in. 



We stayed at the Westin, and it was beautiful, but in the morning it would creek and make oddly scary noises when the sun would cause the material to expand.
 But this view....sigh!




Seattle is exactly like Vancouver. Everyone is extremely friendly and the city feels wonderful! We dropped our stuff the second we arrived and went out exploring! 



The Original Starbucks. 




The market was wonderful, vibrant and completely alive! We did get to see them throw a fish too. 




I have never had crab cakes like we had in Seattle. All the food was a little overwhelming! 







After lunch, more market! 




The Cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea. -Isak Dinesen






The Gum wall. 
Jason and I were walking through the streets and we over heard a young boy telling his parents that he wanted to see the gum wall, so I piped up and told him to lead the way and we followed them. It was gross and bewildering all at the same time.  



It smelled so sweet down the ally, it was beautifully done but we didn't add to it. 





 This guy took himself a little too seriously when he corrected me that its a scooter...*eyeroll* 


These beauties made my heart happy! 


After dinner we made our way over the the Paramount theatre...for the whole reason we went on this trip... 




We came to Seattle to see Ingrid Michaelson play. 
This has been a bucket list dream of mine for years. The entire day was surreal and I fought tears every once in a while when I thought about what was going on this very day back home. The closer I walked to the theatre my chest was beating so hard. I kept thinking how amazing this was that on such a sad day, Dan's funeral, I was fulfilling arguably the biggest bucket list item I had. 

I thought a lot about the last time I had heard from Dan. The last text I got from him was the Monday afternoon, a few hours before he was killed. It was my first solo show on air and he had texted me wishing me good luck. He texted me that "I would shine"




The theatre was breathtaking and such a perfect venue. It is exactly how I imagined I would see her. 




We waited 3 hours, listened to 2 opening acts..and then it happened. 









She played all my favorites! I sang my face off and just held Jasons hand. I was so focused on her and being in the moment. My heart was so completely full I was shocked it didn't burst during her set. I just fought back  tears the entire time. How was this happening? The saddest day and the happiest day at the same time. I have never felt gratitude, joy and sorrow more fully then I did in that little theatre in all my 36 years of existence. 

Her music (and lots of Pinks)  has been played as the sound track for most situations in my adult life. Through all the hard times and joyful times, she was with me. She sang me through it, and now I am so close I could touch her. I wondered if show could feel how much I loved her. I hope she could. I hope she could feel the love and thankfulness I felt for her. I wanted her to feel how important of a day it was for so many reasons. 

What. A.Night! 

When we left I was completely exhausted and so full of every emotion I could possibly feel. 
 We floated back to the hotel and I slept hard that night, drained from the day and everything I felt. 


Day 2 started wonderfully. The weather was fantastic and just down a few blocks from our hotel we found this outdoor area where you can play fooseball,  ping pong and other boardgames. It was so fun, just talking to strangers and playing games with them. That is one of my favourite things about Jason, he chats with any and everyone too, just like me. He doesn't find it weird and doesn't ask me to stop. He just jumps right in and we get to meet new people together. He dosnt make me feel like i'm weird (even though I know I am a bit).






Before we went to Seattle people had told us a few things to check out when we got there. The underground tour was one everyone told us about, and they were right. Such an interesting tour! Brilliant...so brilliant in fact, we went on the same tour twice! 






The buildings are beautiful here, I love when plants grow up the sides of buildings like this. 



More pictures from the underground tour. This was an old icebox. 



An original toilet  "crapper" is the brand name. 




We had a brilliant pub lunch here. 



A few sweet things after lunch, this was the poor choice we made that day (chocolate covered jalapeno). It was total agony and I will never be so stupid again. 





Due to my paralyzing fear of heights, this is our experience with the needle:) 

But the EMP museum was AMAZING!! 




The EMP museum has a spot where you can learn to play instruments and record your own music. 



The Geek in me loved the Star Wars Section of the museum. All original costumes from the movies! 







Me: Hey Jason, did you have a thing for Princess Leia?
Jason: No, not at all. 
I turn around walk away, go to ask him another question and catch him doing this. 
BUSTED!! 


THEN....
THERE WAS ALSO A GAME OF THRONES SECTION!!!!! I did not play it overly cool when I saw this part! I Love GOT and these costumes made my heart sing! 




 After we had a drink and finished with the museum, we decided to go on the DUCK tour. When you walk around, you see these weird boats driving everywhere and everyone sounds like they are having a massive party on them. So we went. They drive on land, and then will drive into the water and you can tour the harbour as a boat. They are fun..ish. They are the tour equivilant of the movie Napoleon Dynamite, while you are doing it you are seriously wondering WTF, but when its done when you think about it you giggle to yourself and when you see the duck tours drive past after you can't help but wave at the people. 









Day 3 Jason decided to rent us a car and we drove North of the city to go see the Boewing factory. The airplane place. It didn't sound all that fun to me, I don't love planes and I don't get the big deal.  Some people have a serious love affair with flying...not this girl. But because Jason LOVES planes and wants to get his licence, and he never asks for anything, I of course shut my pie hoe, smiled and I went with him, happily! 










We did a flight simulator and you can clearly see I LOVED it. 


Jason on the other hand was all over this. 
We also toured the actual factory and saw where the planes were made.. that part was actually really cool. I was expecting to want to throw myself off the building, but if I am being honest, seeing how they run that place was fascinating. Our tour guide was clearly a Broadway major so she kept me entertained too. For obvious reasons we could take any pictures but let me tell you, it was impressive. 




Dinner that night on the ocean was fantastic, and then after we headed to the Baseball game! 



This blessed man took us on a bike trolly right there. 





Beer, Baseball and a beautiful night with this handsome guy! Sigh...I was in heaven! 





The baseball game was second to none! I loved it! It was perfect and brought back all my memories of my happy times as a kid at the ball diamond. I didn't realize how much I missed baseball. It was the highlight of the trip..pure joy! 



Plus there were fireworks! 


Day 4

We wondered around and on a recommendation went to this little breakfast place. 

MIND BLOWING!! 





I could have sat there and watched this women dance around her kitchen all day! She was flawless and her food was complete art! 


Savory Bread pudding with salmon eggs benny with roasted potatoes. 


J had the meat and meat and  meat plate. With a side of meat eggs and bread. 

And we ordered the baked cherry pancake to try. 




I hate the last day of any trip, we had to just kill time before we flew home, It was a nice day, but a little sad too that we had to go back to real life. 



We did sneak in a few more stops before our flight though. The Glass museum was another thing people told us to check out while there...WORTH EVERY SECOND!! 
















The aquarium was the last of our touristy things before we headed to the airport. 











Thank you Seattle for your hospitality and friendly people. Your food is amazing and our favourite pub was the Merchant Tavern where your fried chess curds with honey and hot sauce were so good we went 3 times!
Thank you for excellent coffee, music and a peaceful and restful time away from heartbreak and reality.

We will be back for baseball very soon! You are good stuff Seattle, I know I can speak for both Jason and I when I say, we have fallen in love with you!

Today:

I am grateful for time.

I am grateful for music and how it heals and sloths the soul.

I am grateful for experiencing love and friendship at the same time. Traveling with Jaosn is more fun than I would have ever believed. We like the same things and we get along shockingly well..ANNND I get to kiss him!
I am in love with a wonderful man and he seems to like me a lot too.  I'm a lucky girl!

J



Dan
Dan