Thursday, May 28

The Winds Of Change...

I am 48 hours into Rob informing me that he is leaving to work at another radio station and I think its finally sinking in. Not much can be done really, it's real and it's happening.

I think I am passed the shock and anger stage. I think now I am in the acceptance stage, but don't let me forget to mention I took a mighty fine detour through the self pity and poor me stage too.

I feel now, after numerous pep talks from highly supportive friends and family that I am able to talk about it. Maybe it will make me feel a little bit better if I (with the very limited knowledge info and experience I have) can shed some light on what happens one day when your favourite radio personality is no longer on the station you listen to.


Radio can be vicious.

I have heard stories from the hosts about the time they worked at this so and so place and one day everything changed and their key fobs didn't work.
How another host went to work as normal and when they arrived they were walked out and their stuff was mailed to them. I have been made aware of how transient radio can be too. Often requiring people to move from city to city, sometimes across the country with very little notice to work in tiny towns just to get experience.

It sounds exciting and full of adventure until you actually have to pack up and move for the third time that year.

Our radio station is a little different. Most of the time when someone leaves a station they are not allowed to go on air again, let alone announce their leaving and give their listeners a chance to say good buy over the course of a week.

When Rob told me he was leaving it was a shock and a huge surprise. I have worked with him for over 3 years now. We made plans and had goals and had dreams that involved each other.
In a weird way, I felt the same feelings I had while going through my divorce.

I felt hurt and sad, but also felt jealous of his new cohost and, like any normal woman, I FB staked her. Unfortunately she seems wonderful. So my hatred quickly subsided and I feel like I am starting to think more clearly.

My boss called me in for a meeting the following day to talk to me and make sure I was ok. He told me of his plans and the ideas he has for the direction of the show. We talked about people who I might be a good fit with, ideas and mostly helpful ways to make it through the next week.

Life is a very different game when you have people who truly believe in you and see things with more perspective then you see things during rough times. My coworkers have been gracious and kind. They all have been through this many many times over. They all understand the business and know how it works. So the fact they are so patient and caring, sensitive and loving towards me and that i have been sulking speaks volume about them.

So...when a radio host gets a new job somewhere else...

It can be a complicated mess, but one thing is for sure, when the deal is made..the rest is lighting fast! Rob leaves next week and starts ASAP after that.

I have only ever had 2 co-host and both of them left working with me and went to Ontario.  Bags are packed and homes are moved in record time. When you begin working with someone new it starts almost immediately. You need to develop a working relationship almost over night which can be tricky and not always as smooth as you'd hope.

The last 2 night shifts working with Rob I was trying not to ask too many questions. It felt weird, It felt like I was asking my ex husband about his new girlfriend. I know its nothing like that, but the feelings of awkward chit chat and constantly over thinking "do I really want to know this...or that" were racing through my mind.

I wonder what it will be like when I get a new co-host. Will we get along? Will he be funny...will it be a he? Will we take a long time getting to a comfortable place where we can laugh. I worry it will be like dating, you know, you want to seem really normal and cool...and take as long as humanly possible before all your flaws and faults that will drive them crazy come out and they see you for what you really are.

Ugh.

I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind to maybe say good bye to radio altogether. Maybe I should go back to being a doula. Maybe this radio stuff isn't for me after all.

But after a few long talks and texts marathons with miss Rachel Day, quitting would be the coward way out. I can do hard things.
The last month I have changed almost every single part of my life.

I sold a house.
I bought a new one
I moved in with Jason
My co-host is leaving
I am getting a new co-host....

Some of the most difficult things people do in their lives, over the span of years, I am doing it all in 4 weeks.

But I am reminded we can do hard things. Change can be scary, but it can also be amazing and exciting.  You (i'm) allowed to have sad days and cry when it feels like it's too much. But then the tears need to stop and you (I) need to keep moving forward with chins up.

So tonight I am packing up my pity party decorations. I am done moping about and I am ready to tackle this head on with a smile and laughter.  Even if it's not exactly what I imagined for this time in my life, I will make it the best it can be.

Today:

I am grateful for dear friends who straighten me up and kindly set me straight when I feel lost.

I am grateful that the universe seems to know the perfect time to have a #gratitudeproject card arrive in the mail for me.  Gratitude makes what we have enough...I need to remember to be more grateful!



I am grateful for healthy children, a job, friends and milk in the fridge.

J











Monday, May 25

My Life Got Flipped Turned Upside Down.






It has been an odd month. The last few shows Rob has been off a little with me. Not as chatty with me as he normally is, Doesn't joke like normal and I was starting to think it was something I was doing. 

But this morning I found out what was going on with my friend. 

Rob told me today that he has accepted a job in  Ontario. He will be leaving next week to do mornings there. 

I do not know how I am feeling. 

I am excited for him and Steph to get to be closer to family. I am so proud of him, and that he gets to fulfill his dream of a morning show (he has always wanted a morning show). 


As He sits in my living room and his wife chats with me about things and I am playing with Owen, my mind is fuzzy and I struggle to focus on what he is saying. All I keep telling myself is, Do NOT cry. Tell him how happy you are for him and how good a choice this is and how you understand. Just DO. NOT. CRY!


As the day has progressed my emotions have fluctuated from anger to complete disbelief to calm...back to anger. 

What happens next? What do I do now? Why didn't they want me too?  

I am scared. 
So very very scared.


Having to do a show tonight has been hard. I am trying not to cry.


What happens next? Where do I go? I feel a little lost today. Tender and unsure.

I have had so much change these last few weeks, tonight I just feel over whelmed with it all.

Tomorrow I will need to laugh.

Today:

I am grateful for my friend and the new and exciting adventures he and his family have  ahead of them. I wish him nothing but joy and success fulfilling his dreams.

I am grateful for Tylenol that help with headaches.

I am grateful for friends and family who love and support me.

J