Monday, February 23

Feelings Demand To Be Felt.

My darling hair stylist, Sam,  welcomed me into the salon with a warm and inviting smile like she always does!
"Hi Joelle, how is it going?'

I smiled back, it was a forced smile but I did it.
"I am fine",  I replied.

Sam, knowing me better than I think, sits me down and says, "go on, tell me all about it."

That's when my hour long rage rant began.

For years when I was asked "How are you?" I felt a need to put on a facade. I thought "a good woman can hold it together" whatever the hell that meant. I almost never told people what was really bothering me, I NEVER asked for help and I would rather get hit by a car before I would let anyone think I couldn't juggle the 10 billion things I had to do on top of parenting, keeping an orderly home, making dinner, running errands and doing that charity work assignment that I agreed to, all while planning that dinner for 40 women.

It was all exhausting and to deal with my feeling and stress, I would eat.

I hate feeling things. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Feelings scare me. Good, bad or otherwise, I am not overly comfortable when emotion is involved. I especially hate feeling vulnerable.

For years I have just collected my emotions and stored them in my proverbial shelf. I sort the feelings and emotions and place them in neat and tidy little boxes and store them on this emotional shelf. Continuing the illusion that I have my shit together. These imaginary boxes stay on this pretend shelf with the real food I eat.

Back then, I wouldn't deal with my problems, talk to the person who upset me or confront the no, don't be silly.... I would pretend things were fine, and stuff my face with anything and everything I could get my hands on and continue the facade.

It was going wonderfully! I was easily 40 pounds over weight and everyone though things were great.  *eyeroll*

Until one day all these boxes came a tumbling down.

It's been a few years now, but I am figuring this stuff out bit by bit.
I see now that when I am upset, stressed or hurt I am ALLOWED to feel that way. It's okay. I started giving myself permission to feel what I am feeling, and when I allow myself that, I don't shove the feelings down with food anymore.

The other HUGE, and I mean MASSIVELY HUGE realization I have come to over the years is, no one expects me to be fine or perfect when I am going through stressful things! So why on earth would It expect that of myself??

*imaginary cartoon light bulb by my head turns on....BING!!!*

When I am learning to blend two families and it's hard, it's okay to be hard! When I am  endeavouring to mesh these families together and trying to sell a house...IT"S ALLOWED TO BE HARD!! No one expects it to be easy, and I see now what a total disservice I did for years pretending things were fine when they weren't. I only hurt myself (I really could have used the help) and how awful I must have made others who were honest with how hard life can be feel when they couldn't hide their stress and actually asked for help. If I could say sorry to those women, I would like to now.

Right now, I am pretty tightly wound. I hate selling/showing a house. I hate the idea of strangers walking through my house when I am not home. I hate having to keep this house cleaner than it's ever been in all my years living here. But it won't be forever. It will end one day, and it will be worth it.

I am easily angered right now, but that's because when you do stressful things, you are going to be stressed....and guess what my loving friends like Che reminded me today....IT'S OKAY!!

Want to know what else I was reminded this week while having dinner with my dearest Rachel? When my friends ask how I am doing, they are asking because they actually care and want to know. Probably because they (being my close friends) can tell somethings not right. So they are giving me permission to talk to them about it, cause they care. That is why they asked in the first place.

*The light bulb just went off again..that's what that binging sound was again*

I see now that bad feelings, if you allow yourself to feel them when they come up, don't last forever. They are like the tide, they wash in and out. Feelings demand to be felt, you can put it off for a while, but, in the end, they will have their time. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise.

I am going to be 37 this year and I feel like I am just now starting to see and understand who I really am. I am only now seeing the power in saying no, and allowing myself the freedom to choose. To really choose, without the external pressure and influence of others who have no business in my decision making.

I no longer feel sad that it's taken me this long to get here. I am just so fucking happy that I am finally here!

To celebrate, I will have a danish! (just kidding)


I am grateful for the sunshine, melting snow and light jackets.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for secret deodorant. The non scented stuff. I have used it for years and man that is good stuff, and it never stains my clothes!


1 comment:

TJ said...

I loved your post. Feelings are what make us human. And vulnerable if we allow ourselves to feel. Thank you for writing this and posting it. I really like you;)