Tuesday, January 14

Finding Mr. Perfect....The Outtakes.

I feel I am seasoned in online dating now, I have been on enough bad dates to know the cardinal rule is to never agree/commit to anything more than coffee on first meeting. You never agree to a movie, a dinner or activity that could possibly last longer than 15 minutes in case it is a total disaster and you need to bail quickly. I made this mistake only a few times in the beginning and have, so I thought, learned my lesson. Unless you are meeting a guy you clearly have a major spark with, you never I mean NEVER lock yourself down for anything you can't escape from gracefully. 

You would THINK I have learned by now... 

*Brian messaged me one day and seemed to be fantastic. He was really tall, awkwardly handsome, he was witty and had great banter on text. He asked questions and seemed really interested in my answers. We texted for a few days and then plans were made to meet. I broke from my normal coffee only because I was pretty confident this guy was a good one. So, against my better judgment and  previous training in the dating department, I agreed to dinner. When I met *Brian at his favorite pub I was early and ended up waiting for him. I didn't mind, it was nice feeling the anticipation every time the door opened. Finally *Brian arrived. He was really tall, I like tall. He was wearing a lot, A LOT of camo.  He walked up to the table I was sitting at and the first thing he said was "why did you pick these shitty seats?" He grabbed my beer and walked over to a table with a bench that wrapped around it. His boldness made me smile. I sat beside him on the North side of the table, he sat on the west side. I was disappointed when I could smell chewing tobacco on him and it was in his teeth. 

I asked him to continue telling me the story he had been texting me about earlier, but I could barely make sense of the story with all the vulgarity thrown in for what I am assuming was affect. And I assure you I KNOW I am not one to judge, I can swear like a sailor, so if I think it's a lot...than it's a lot. 

The other thing I struggled with was this grunt sort of noise he would make that I figure was a sound of affirmation, but I cant be sure. 

When our waitress came to take our order *Brian ordered a salad and a burger. I ordered a salad and I continued to try and piece together his story. His texts were so much clearer, in writing he was a fantastic communicator. 

When the food arrived I got my plate sorted and situated nicely, I handed *Brian a knife and fork that were wrapped in a napkin but he motioned no thank you, he had already started on his side salad with his fingers. 
I just pretended I didn't see that. I figured, to each his own, maybe he lived in a country while serving a humanitarian mission that did not use forks and he is holding on to that experience by continuing this tradition. I kept my head down trying not to stare. I was doing okay at not being completely disgusted when he scooped up ketchup with his fingers while eating his fries and licking it off his fingers (yes scooping it up WITH NO FRIES)  but I could no longer keep my cool when he spat something across the table that was in his teeth. 

I didn't know if I should keep eating my food, I was genuinely concerned something might have hit my plate and the thought made me a little queasy. I wiped my mouth and placed my napkin on the little bit that was left. I was done. I did my best to concentrate on his family history while he picked his teeth with his finger nails but i could no longer sit there when he wiped his nose with the back of his hand. 

I told him how nice it was to meet him but I must be going now. I stood up quickly and put on my jacket. He walked with me to my van and when I least expected it he spun me around and kissed me...well tried to..it ended up this weird half lip and cheek kiss. I could taste ketchup. 

When I go into my van I just giggled to myself. I am really good at so many things, men just doesn't seem to be one of them. 



Today:

I am grateful for strong lotion for my dry and sore skin. I hate winter. 

I am grateful for the sunshine today. 

I am grateful 2 more sleeps until P!NK!!!!! 

J


*For legal reasons I am going to name all of my dates on my blog Brian. I feel it is a safer way to tell these stories using an alias for the men. I have never dated a Brian, most men my age are either named Ryan, Brad, Mike, Kyle or Scott. Apparently when male children were being born in 1975-79 there were only these names available to choose from. 
























*For legal reasons I am going to name all of my dates on my blog Brian. I feel it is a safer way to tell these stories using an alias for the men. I have never dated a Brian, most men my age are either named Ryan, Mike, Kyle or Scott. Apparently when male children were being born in 1975-79 there were only these names available to choose from. So, with that..the outtakes to finding Mr.Perfect.