Thursday, January 9

Finding Mr. Perfect....The Outtakes

I have been pretty open with the fact that I have been dating, but I have never really shared some of the dates themselves. Now having been on countless dates over the last 2 years with almost as little success as humanely possible, I have decided to share a few of the better ones (and by better ones I mean total messes) here on my blog. My intention is to make you happily married people MORE grateful for finding "the one" and for my single readers, I want this to reassure you that you are not the only ones having shit luck with this dating garbage. I also hope it proves to be a little comic relief for all.

*For legal reasons I am going to name all of my dates on my blog Brian. I feel it is a safer way to tell these stories using an alias for the men. I have never dated a Brian, most men my age are either named Ryan, Mike, Kyle or Scott. Apparently when male children were being born in 1975-79 there were only these names available to choose from. So, with that..the outtakes to finding Mr.Perfect. (The name of this section of my blog is courtesy of Melanie, thanks love.)

It took me a while to build up the confidence to get out and date again after my separation and divorce. I am not sure why it was so scary, perhaps it was the fear of ending up back where I started (in a unhealthy relationship). Maybe it was the lack of confidence in what I had to offer..I am not too sure. So when I did finally decided to try and "get back in the saddle" as my girlfriend N said to, I was very hesitant to accept dinner or coffee invites from men I had met online. I was WAY more picky and would eliminate them from a coffee date for stupid and petty reasons...I have now gotten to the point where, if you text or message me in a complete sentence, can make me laugh and you have at least a semi attractive photo up I will agree to coffee. That might sound awful but it's true.
I believe you can find a connection in unlikely places. I try to be open to meeting not just a certain "type" of guy but really allowing myself to see whats out there. Unfortunately by dating this way, it allows for a few (more than few) duds to slip between the cracks. Thus...we have dates like these.

One of my favorite date stories (I think I have mentioned on here already, but will recap) was the time I met a guy for a beer after work one day. His profile picture seemed not too bad (his smiles were all closed mouth smiles and he was kind of  cute, also our messages seemed okay, he was not witty but pleasant.

I have a rule, when I go for a beer, I never drive after. So I had prearranged with J to come pick me up after. When I arrived at the pub I looked at my watch, it was the top of the hour. I walked into the front door and there was a man sitting at a table facing the door who waved at me as I was looking around.
I walked over to the table and *Brian introduced himself and that's when I noticed his 2 missing teeth. It was hard to see them at first because the rest of his teeth were a shade of beige/brown but the more he talked the 2 missing ones (right in the front) became more obvious. I was also a little taken aback when he started talking about the mass genocide he wished would happen to the gay and lesbian population. I was stunned. My shock furthered when he tossed the menu at me and told me to order whatever I wanted to because it was my "pre F****  feast."

I excused myself to go to the bathroom and I texted J to come pick me up because this was ending here and now. When I went back out to the table and told him that I needed to go, this was not going to go anywhere he told me "I'll give you a ride home, it will only cost you a HJ."

J was there to pick me up within minutes, the entire date..22 minutes! A new world record I think! When it was all over and I was telling my friend about it, I was so shocked telling the story thinking to myself, did that REALLY happen? Are there really still people like that out there? Yes there are!

Another Date I went on last summer was with a nice man named *Brian who was adorable. He was tall and had a beard, great conversation and was kind of funny.  He agreed to meet me for dinner at a Thai restaurant. I was so excited I went and bought myself a new pair of skinny jeans days before so I would look nice with my heels. We met at the restaurant and he ordered for us (I absolutely LOVE when guy orders for me. I make it a rule to pay for my own meal, but he can order). We both ordered drinks, him an ice tea and I had a pop. NO BOOZE!! It was a wonderful meal and he had me giggling most of dinner with his stories of his home town. I wasn't really feeling much of a physical attraction but he was fun to chat with .
When we decided to leave, we agreed to go for a walk, this part the city is beautiful and allows for good people watching opportunities which we both enjoy. When we walked out of the restaurant, I wasn't really paying attention when I opened the front door (I was walking in front of him) and there was a tiny step that, due to my lack of attentions paid, I completely missed and in a matter of a split second found myself on my hands and knees on the cement sidewalk with not just my date rushing to me but the old man in his car who had witnessed the whole thing.
I stood up, dusted myself off and that's when I noticed the hole in my new jeans and the blood that was coming through my newly scraped knee. Good Heavens did that hurt! My palms were scraped up and sore too. Thank gawd I don't get embarrassed easily. I just started laughing. My dinner date *Brian felt this was the appropriate time to begin hugging me and asking if I was okay, which was drawing even more attention to my recent fall.  For those of you who know me well, I am NOT a huggy person, and often will shy away for any form of PDA even when I am really into the guy. I was very uncomfortable with this guys arms around me mostly because it seemed like he was not interested in letting go anytime soon. The blood was making an even bigger mess of my pants and now started to really hurt. I started to talk and said something like, "I could really use a Kleenex for my knee" assuming this might be a normal social cue to let go of this WAY TOO LONG hug...still nothing. He had a death grip on me.

I finally had to, in a kind way, push away from *Brian so I could clean myself up.
My jeans had a hole in them, my knee was hurting a lot now and I just wanted to go home. *Brian, not wanting our date to end said, "lets walk and I will show you something interesting" I was in an bit of a bad mood now, I was sore (ooh BTW the knee I fell on was the same knee from my rock climbing accident a few years ago) I didn't want to be rude and was still new-ish to this dating stuff so I thought I could tough this out. We walked (I limped) for about 20 minutes and I still had no idea where we were headed, so I asked. To my surprise he was planning to take me down to see the river...ANOTHER 30 MINUTE WALK..yes, that seems reasonable to make this bleeding girl who's limping walk more!
I just stopped and said, my knee is sore and I am cold, I think I need to head home.

When we finally got back to my van and we finished the delightful conversation of how fast lactose can make him have diarrhea and how he has, on more than one occasion, almost shat himself, I said good bye and thanked him for our date. Without warning he swooped in to try and kiss me, which was as graceful as my exit of the restaurant earlier..I managed to dodge with a well timed matrix back bend. He looked at me shocked and said, "I really wanted to kiss you!" I awkwardly laughed, smiled and said, "no kissing on the first date, but thank you."
I thought to myself, "well I want to sleep with Ryan Reynolds..doesn't mean it's gonna happen"

I Got in my van and drove away.

How can two people go on the same date and see it so completely differently?
Sigh...those were good jeans too. Dammit!


I am grateful I can laugh at myself.

I am grateful for encouraging friends.

I am grateful for the hope that I am not alone in these disasters.



Unknown said...

Hey J.
Keep them coming, I love a good (bad) dating story.

Thankfully my bad dates have come to an end after 3 years.
She caught me completely off guard, she is much younger than me, but has a 2 year old and watches her sisters 3 kids, she had to grow up fast.

When she choose me it caught me a bit off guard, but what a breath of fresh air!

Hang in there Joelle. It'll happen for you too.


If you want to use my bad dating stories shoot me a txt or email. Adam has my number

Unknown said...

Hey Joelle,

I enjoy reading these updates.

Future dates should be required to read these before dating you. There's tons of easy lessons here.

1. Don't be a complete idiot without a shred of decency.

2. Don't talk about diarrhea.

3. Don't try to kiss on the first date.

4. Don't offer lingering hugs.

5. Do order the meal for her.

6. Do have a first aid kit handy.

7...I'm sure there are other easy common sense rules.

Dating is hard sometimes but so is marriage sometimes too. My step dad didn't find and marry my mom until he was 53 and that was his first marriage and first relationship. She was lucky to find him. He's really good to her and they get along just fine.

You'll find somebody special for you too. Good people sometimes take time to find each other.