Wednesday, June 5

Thoughts In The Rain

My work week is done. I am sitting with a glass of red wine and the front door is open so I can hear and smell the rain outside. It's still surprisingly warm even though it's pouring out. Ingrid Michaelson Maybe is playing softly from my iPod followed by Chris Isack Wicked Games... Perfectly serenading my mood right now.

The children are playing chess and snakes & ladders in the living room, making up rules as they go. I feel a mixture of stillness and content with a slight longing and mild aching. Today was a good day. After school the older boys had a basketball game (against each other) unfortunately Ethan broke his finger last week, rendering him unable to compete in the smakdown brother vs brother so we all went to cheer on Gabe instead.

And when I say "we all" I mean our whole family.
Me, Nora, Seth, Ethan, Drew, R, and baby Emmett. Even Jenna came to cheer on the game. We took up almost the entire bench. I loved it! I felt to happy. R walked in and she had Emmett wrapped to her stomach and smiled when she walked in. She sat right beside me and instantly asked," do you want to hold him?"

Emmett and I cuddled the entire game. I smothered him with kisses and told him how happy he makes everyone while he slept on my chest with his perfect little head nuzzled in the spot made for babies under my jaw. I am not sure what I enjoyed more, holding him, watching the game, or watching peoples faces when they asked whos baby it was and as we explained everyone and the relationships ...their confusion and shock that we are not only all together but are happy. I love it! I completely love the feeling I have when R is sitting right beside me and talking to me about baby stuff and we are laughing about one of the children. I love seeing how happy R and Drew are and how they look at each other. They seem very content.  It's better than I imagined it could be. I am happily divorced, doing very well at work in a career I absolutely love and feel fulfilled in. I have good friends and my family is happy and healthy. We have baby Emmett here safely and handsome and baby and mom are adjusting well. Life is so very good...

I wish I was capable of feeling complete with all this. I desire it more than anything. I want to not want anything, but I am still a little lonely. I am feeling a little tender from my most recent breakup from a guy I thought was really great. I had great chemistry with him and we made each other laugh, a lot!
I guess I was wrong.
He even shared a love of similar music and he would share his favorites. He had just sent this song saying it "reminded me of you when I heard it." the day before he completely stopped talking to me.
sigh...I will never understand men.

Wildflowers Tom Petty

I am sure one day this will all make sense and I will say things like "it was all worth it because of where I am now.." but I don't completely feel that way yet. I think I am what you call a hopeless romantic, and I am easily bruised.
So here I sit tonight spilling my guts yet again to a computer screen. Reminding myself that tomorrow will feel a bit better than today did and soon will all be forgotten, right?

So until that space in my heart has a no-vacancy sign on it hung there by a handsome and funny, music loving man who is taller than me and whos face lights up when he sees me. Who has a gentle smile and nice eyes and laughs at my jokes and likes my food. It will be happily occupied with 3 growing men, 1 little girl and the cutest baby boy you have seen in a long time...who happens to cuddle perfectly.


I am grateful for the belief that one day it will be my turn.

I am grateful (knock on wood) nothing has broken in the house for weeks! 

I am grateful for a summer dress that makes me feel fantastic. A must for every woman.