Saturday, June 29

A Boy To Smooch

I have kept my dating rather quiet, as far as my children are concerned. They know I go on dates (I think), but I do not talk openly about any of the guys I have seen. I do not give details to the children about where and when I go. Mostly this is because I only date during the week the kids are with Drew...also the vast majority of dates I do go on are flops and I have made it a rule the two sides of my life, my social life and my children, will never mix again until I find something special.

Ethan is a little more aware of things, he knows I date and has asked a few questions every once in a while about it all. "Are you seeing anyone?" or "Any nice guys mom?"

One night a few weeks ago after the other children had gone to bed,  Ethan had asked me how the dating was going, so I let him look at my dating profile and allowed him to peruse a few of the men and tell me what he thought. He is a very protective boy over his mother, and not easily impressed. But he spent an hour looking and reading and found a few he liked,  I even contacted one of the guys he felt was good enough for me and went out with him. (More on him later)

I bring this up because I had a real eye opening moment the other night. Wednesday I was exhausted. I had gotten up early to help with last day of school things after having gone to bed at 1 am after a night show the night before...BLAH...Now I am the first to admit my Wednesdays are really easy work wise, but I was tired for the whole day and that is never fun.

After dinner (Wednesday) I wasn't feeling well and I was a little grouchy. I am not sure what on earth came over me but I decided to text Drew and R to see if I could have Emmett over for a bit while they went out. This little creature is my children's new brother, so I figured it's important I get to know him too. Plus what new mom wouldn't love a little time off. Also...maybe I just needed to hold a baby for a bit. Sue me.

Now, I only tell you that part to get to the actual story. After I had arranged with Drew and R to bring Emmett over to the house I decided to play a joke on my kids, mostly Ethan. I told him that I had invited a BOY over to the house.
Ethan looked at me with a strange look on his face. "A BOY?"
Yes! I have invited a boy over to the house and he will be here any minute to spend the evening with us. What do you think?
(Now, this is the part of the story where my practical joke backfired a little and showed me just how much my kids think of me..)
Ethan looks at me with a very serious look on his face asks,"Do you really like this guy?"
Not understanding yet where he was going I said, "yes, very much, there is even a chance I'll spend most of the night holding him and smooching him."
After hearing that Ethan jumps off the couch and starts cleaning up the house and sorting the living room. He starts putting things away and folding up the blankets. I thought the behavior was strange and the look on his face far too serious for my little joke, so I asked "what are you doing?" to which he replied...
"If you like this guy, I want him to feel welcome in our home"

UGH....ooh crap. Ethan then says, "Mom, I promise I would never be one of those kids that is mean to someone you like" and the icing on the proverbial cake was when he says, " I am so glad you found someone mom, you are good stuff and I want you to be happy!"

Oh Shit! My little joke is not looking so funny anymore.

When Drew and R arrive right after this with Emmett, I tried to be funny and say "here is the boy I am going to hold and smooch all night!"
Ethan looked genuinely disappointed, but helped play and take care of Emmett for the next hour.

We had a nice night and we sang and laughed about having a baby in the house again. Ethan was happy when Drew and R came and picked Emmett up and it was just us again.

I wont joke about that again with him.


I am grateful for school being over and now getting time to spend with the kids.

I am grateful for the smell of sun on my skin. After a long winter it's nice to wear dresses and feel the elements on my skin.

I am grateful for fresh fruit and the smell of nectarines in my kitchen. It makes me happy.


Friday, June 28

First Day Of Summer

My Blog has become like that unkempt part of your house. That space that you have the best of intentions of getting to but never seem to find the time. ugh...

Things are well here. That noise you hear in the back don't hear any noise? Ooh right, there ISN'T any noise because today is the first day of summer vacation and everyone is still sleeping. We are all over joyed to have successfully maneuvered another year of education. It has not been without its hiccups but we did make it. I want the children to have a restful summer. They all seem to be growing so fast that these lazy summer days wont last too long and I want them to enjoy as much of it as they can.

Nora is sick. Not the most ideal way to start summer vacation but she is a trooper. Even with a fever and nausea she is still pleasant and chipper.

I have not posted music lately. I really have not had much to share, so when I heard this, I had to pass it along.


I heard this song on So You Think You Can Dance and fell in love right away.

Goals for the summer.

Laugh more, blog more, find new music. I want to do something big(ish) by myself because I hate doing things alone, I think I should force myself to try. Sleep more. I am going to try 2 new things and by the end of the summer I want to feel like I know and understand my children more. I want my boys to know how (I will teach them) to cook at least one thing each.


I am grateful for time with my children.

I am grateful for being able to sleep in.

I am grateful I can hear the birds chirping outside this morning.


Tuesday, June 18

25 Years Together Julie And Steve aka Mom and Dad

I went down to Strathmore this past weekend. It was my parents 25th wedding anniversary and Dawson, Steve (my dad) and I have been planning a party for the last few months. I headed down on the Friday alone for some much needed time away.

I don't enjoy doing things alone (I know I have said this before). I will always avoid it if I can, but every once in a while the quiet and stillness is refreshing. The drive was quiet without even the radio on as background noise. After Red Deer I no longer enjoyed the quiet. I find there is a change that occurs inside of me every time I go back home. A feeling that I cant really explain starts to swell inside of my chest and I feel a longing for that little town. Garth Brooks was cranked and I was singing along like a banshee.

On the Friday night when I arrived my friend Karie had already made arrangements for me to join her for a fundraiser comedy night hosted by a few old teachers of ours. I was so excited to see everyone and catch up with old friends. The comedians were fantastic and I laughed the night away. After the event was over Karie and I, along with a few other people who were there went to the local bar and finished our night out.

I love my home town for a plethora of reasons and one of the reasons is they teach dance in the gym classes in Strathmore. So when this girl went back for the weekend and was at the dance bar that night, all the guys who asked her to dance knew how to dance and dance well. I was two stepping into the wee hours and having a wonderful time doing it. I saw more old friends and ran into the very first boy that ever took me out. His name is Graham. We went to the movie Batteries Not Included. I met his wife and saw pictures of their new baby.

I caught a cab when the night felt done (the completion of the evening was rushed a little due to a creepy guy who would not leave me alone and one of the bouncers had to "aid" his removal) but I was tired anyway and had a lot to do the next day for my parents party.

When I quietly and gracefully stumbled into my parents home at 2 am my dad was awake (like always) waiting up to make sure I got home safe. I was giggling away telling him stories of the night and like he does, smiled and said "I'm glad you're safe and I want to listen to everything you have to say...just not now. Good night". He is such a great guy.

As is customary in my parents home, days begin very early and even when you are a guest and have been drinking into the ungodly hours of the morning and could sleep until noon...that doesn't matter when you are in Julies house. She gets up at 7 am, turns on the house stereo and begins getting ready for garage sales which means YOU also get up at 7 am (even if you are still drunk) and you get ready to accompany her on said garage sales. That is just how it is there, no need to fight it, you will lose.. I promise.

So up my ass was a "way too early am" and out the door we went to visit,  find treasures and  pick up groceries for the party.  I told my mom about work and how dating is going. I shared with her some feelings I had about different things and asked her advice about others. It's how we work. It's always strange to me when I see and hear other friends tell me they talk to their mothers often, that is just foreign to me.  We don't talk much on the phone and seldom communicate, but when we are together we do a lot of sharing.

When we got home my brother Dawson and his GF Adele were there and we began cooking.
I laid down for a (much needed) nap around 2 and felt human again when I got up just after 3.

The guests began arriving at 4 and the night went perfectly.  A small-ish gathering of family and friends, food and laughs. With the friends my parents have I knew very little would need to be planned activity wise, because of all the personalities. It would be fun regardless and I was right.

My brother and Adele set up a photo booth with dress up clothes so we could take picture of everyone throughout the night as keepsakes. Some ended up a little risque and I can't put them up here, but this one of my mom had her friend Rita is safe for blogging.

My parents have fantastic friends and have known most of these people for 30 + years...or "as long as two husbands" as my mom said that night.

The evening was a huge success and I am pretty sure my parents had a wonderful time.

We even snuck in a rather typical family photo at the end of the night.

Gawd I love my family. I miss my home town and the people and memories there. I love how I feel when I return and I love knowing that I can always go back and have those same feelings. I love that ache that I feel in my chest when I leave, reminding me I belong somewhere and that I am a part of something big that you can't see but is so very real.

When I drove home Sunday this is what I saw.

If you look closely you can see and hear the mountains calling my name. They miss me as much as I miss them.

Tomorrow I will tell you the story of my mom my ipad and too many bottles of wine.


I am grateful for my parents example that 1-If you are not happy, you are allowed to change your mind and try again. And 2-Relationships can work when you are with the right person. Not only my parents have taught me this, all their friends are such amazing examples of this too and this little girl thanks you so much or that example.

I am grateful the weather was so delightful for my parents.

I am grateful for having more than one place where I belong.


Wednesday, June 5

Thoughts In The Rain

My work week is done. I am sitting with a glass of red wine and the front door is open so I can hear and smell the rain outside. It's still surprisingly warm even though it's pouring out. Ingrid Michaelson Maybe is playing softly from my iPod followed by Chris Isack Wicked Games... Perfectly serenading my mood right now.

The children are playing chess and snakes & ladders in the living room, making up rules as they go. I feel a mixture of stillness and content with a slight longing and mild aching. Today was a good day. After school the older boys had a basketball game (against each other) unfortunately Ethan broke his finger last week, rendering him unable to compete in the smakdown brother vs brother so we all went to cheer on Gabe instead.

And when I say "we all" I mean our whole family.
Me, Nora, Seth, Ethan, Drew, R, and baby Emmett. Even Jenna came to cheer on the game. We took up almost the entire bench. I loved it! I felt to happy. R walked in and she had Emmett wrapped to her stomach and smiled when she walked in. She sat right beside me and instantly asked," do you want to hold him?"

Emmett and I cuddled the entire game. I smothered him with kisses and told him how happy he makes everyone while he slept on my chest with his perfect little head nuzzled in the spot made for babies under my jaw. I am not sure what I enjoyed more, holding him, watching the game, or watching peoples faces when they asked whos baby it was and as we explained everyone and the relationships ...their confusion and shock that we are not only all together but are happy. I love it! I completely love the feeling I have when R is sitting right beside me and talking to me about baby stuff and we are laughing about one of the children. I love seeing how happy R and Drew are and how they look at each other. They seem very content.  It's better than I imagined it could be. I am happily divorced, doing very well at work in a career I absolutely love and feel fulfilled in. I have good friends and my family is happy and healthy. We have baby Emmett here safely and handsome and baby and mom are adjusting well. Life is so very good...

I wish I was capable of feeling complete with all this. I desire it more than anything. I want to not want anything, but I am still a little lonely. I am feeling a little tender from my most recent breakup from a guy I thought was really great. I had great chemistry with him and we made each other laugh, a lot!
I guess I was wrong.
He even shared a love of similar music and he would share his favorites. He had just sent this song saying it "reminded me of you when I heard it." the day before he completely stopped talking to me.
sigh...I will never understand men.

Wildflowers Tom Petty

I am sure one day this will all make sense and I will say things like "it was all worth it because of where I am now.." but I don't completely feel that way yet. I think I am what you call a hopeless romantic, and I am easily bruised.
So here I sit tonight spilling my guts yet again to a computer screen. Reminding myself that tomorrow will feel a bit better than today did and soon will all be forgotten, right?

So until that space in my heart has a no-vacancy sign on it hung there by a handsome and funny, music loving man who is taller than me and whos face lights up when he sees me. Who has a gentle smile and nice eyes and laughs at my jokes and likes my food. It will be happily occupied with 3 growing men, 1 little girl and the cutest baby boy you have seen in a long time...who happens to cuddle perfectly.


I am grateful for the belief that one day it will be my turn.

I am grateful (knock on wood) nothing has broken in the house for weeks! 

I am grateful for a summer dress that makes me feel fantastic. A must for every woman. 


Tuesday, June 4

Welcome Emmett!!

He is here!!! Emmett has finally arrived! R gave birth yesterday morning and both mommy and baby are doing great!

The kids got to meet him yesterday evening while I was at work and they all sent me pictures. I get to meet him today. I can't wait to hold and smell a baby again. I really like the name, although the kids have nicknamed him Eminem.  I am not a huge fan so I'll work hard to change that when they talk about him but his middle name is James..which is what the kids wanted to call him originally (James Bond) so that made me laugh a little.

Emmett continued the tradition of bringing gifts to the already existing children, so this kind little creature brought Nora a My Little Pony and the boys Black Ops 2. Clearly he is a very generous.

I can't wait to meet this little man and I am even more ecstatic to not be the ones having to get up at ungodly hours to feed him at night! Welcome Emmett, I think you're gonna fit right in to our herd of crazies.


I am grateful for good friends who love and support me.

I am grateful for new life.

I am grateful for beautiful weather and the feeling after a good sleep.


Monday, June 3

4am Call, And The Baby Is Coming

I received a phone call from my ex-husband Drew this morning at the ungodly hour of 4 am saying that R (his GF) was in labour and that the baby was coming. Could I come over and stay at their house until the kids woke up so that him and R could go to the birth center where their midwife was going to be waiting for them.

I laid in my bed after I hung up an thought about our family and how it is about to grow today. I like where we are. I like that its not me having to push out a baby today. When the children woke up everyone was really excited to hear the news. The children were asking lots of questions and were telling me and showing me all the special things that they have in their rooms at Drew's and R house. It was a nice way to start the morning.

I feel a little somber though this morning. I am hoping R is doing okay. I hope Drew is a good support for her during the birth and I kind of wish I was there in a small way. The Doula part of me is aching to make sure she is as comfortable as possible, that she has what she needs and that she is happy.

I am not overly sure why I am feeling so tender this morning. Maybe it is just from the lack of sleep. Maybe it's because my date was canceled yesterday with a boy I was really looking forward to going out with. Maybe because of the rain. Who knows. All I know is there is a baby coming now and I need to start baking.


I am grateful for music.

I am grateful for long walks in the rain with friends talking.

I am grateful for comfortable blankets.