Monday, February 18

February Staycation

I have been on my staycation now for 4 days. I woke up late today and am still in my lulus. I am listening to the Philip Philips album that I downloaded this morning and I am trying to decide whether I should shower and get going for the day. This staycation has been rather uneventful and I am liking that..sort of.

The children are with Drew and R, who are currently in the process of moving (this week) to a darling house here is Stony.

Yes, my ex and his pregnant GF are moving to the small town I am in and I have to say I could not be happier. When they get settled we will be sharing the parenting of the children more equally.  The children ( and I ) are really excited and I even helped move some things for them. I was invited in Friday night to their new place after I dropped the children off and R gave me a tour of her new home. I love that I was, and felt, welcome there. I love that she talks to me and it does not feel awkward. I love that the children are excited for this new baby and that R allows my children to "call bedrooms" in her home. I love that she showed me the back yard and made a comment about how she likes that the playground is so close so the kids have a place to play. I love that we laugh. It has not been the smoothest path and it has come with its own ups and downs but damn does it feel good to be here. Peaceful and calm. Happy even.

I found myself looking at baby clothes this weekend, excited to have a little person to shop for. We know R is having a boy and the children want her to name it James Bond. When I told her she chuckled, she has an adorable smile and her belly moves when she laughs.

Life is good.

I have been alone a lot in the last 4 days, thinking about life and things. I do not enjoy time alone much. My emotional bucket is filled by being around my dear friends and people I care for, but every once in a while I find it mandatory to think things over and this staycation is one of those times. I have been out a few times with 25 in the last few weeks and it has been really nice. I find myself having to work hard at allowing new people in my life a clean slate. I have to constantly remind myself that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. A new guy deserves a fair shot and should not have to pay for the sins of the last. Not all men are liars or cheats, not all are hiding things and not all will use and hurt you. I am working on this and some days are easier then others. Good men still exist, and they are handsome too. This reminder could not have come at a better time. I was starting to dance on the edge of cynical and even bitter.

It has been a very long time since I was out with someone who makes me feel calm when I am around them. Someone who doesn't constantly check their phone to see if their ex or other women they are with (on the side but swear they aren't) are texting, someone who gives you their complete and total attention when you talk. It's amazing, I had forgotten what it's like to have a guy pay for anything, and be adamant about that.
I don't remember the last time I went out with someone who wanted to spend time with me as much as I wanted to spend with them, and not feel like I'm on the clock and need to rush. Then when the date is over, leave feeling secure and confident, not anxiety ridden and unsure.

Life is good.

And if all that wasn't good enough, my sweet brother and his amazing GF gave me the couch and chair from our Grandpa because they wanted something that was better suited for their place. I have loved this set for years, and now it's mine!



 This afternoon my thoughts and I are going to clean the van out, do laundry and bake muffins..and of course listen to music.

Today:

I am grateful for my new chair. It's so huge and comfortable. I love it.

I am grateful for how loved my children are.

I am grateful for feelings, intuition and trusting my gut.

J


Monday, February 11

Music Monday

Last night was the Grammys and for work related reasons I watched the entire show. I enjoyed them immensely. My favorite performance was when Adam Levine and Alicia Keys sang their new songs together in a mash up sort of thing. It was fantastic. There is no good videos of it up yet, but when there is I will post it. Until then Ill just do Alicia's song.

Alicia Keys-Girl on Fire



Throughout the night I was chatting with a friend and sharing music. He sent this one and I kind of liked it.

Sleigh Bells -Riot Rhythm



Also, for new music, someone at work requested this and I thought it was interesting enough to share.
I had heard this band last year, I am not a huge fan of this sound, but someone might be. Enjoy!

(Just a heads up to anyone with little ones, this is explicit)

Die Antwoord- Fatty Boom Boom



Today:

I am grateful for sleep. After this weekend I was so exhausted I almost fell asleep driving home Sunday.

I am grateful age does seem, as of now, to be just a number.

I am grateful for sunny days.

J


Friday, February 8

My EPS Ride Along

I am a huge fan of public service. It is in my blood. When I was little I wanted to be a police officer, and for the longest time thought very seriously about joining the military. I ended up In EMS and I went to a civilian school to get that instead of going the Military route.

I loved being an EMT. I loved the comradery and the unity. I loved working with a partner and I loved the fast pace and adrenaline of some days, not every day was exciting, but when it got crazy it was bat shit cray! There tends to be a bit of an ego that comes along with public service too. People with strong personalities are often the ones in those lines of work which means there was sometimes conflict due to superiority complexes but also there is a constant competitive feeling and nature to tasks..It was great!

I found Public Service very rewarding.  When you are there to  help people through some of their worst days either physically or emotionally there is a huge sense of gratification that accompanies that, because you are indeed, serving the public.

It has been a long time since I was in an ambulance or an air ambulance, over a decade actually. So when I agreed to do a ride along after so many years I was unsure how it would all go. I was nervous I would fall asleep (I am not used to staying up so late anymore) or I would be so annoying to the officer with my constant bathroom breaks that he would just leave me on the side of the road on the way to a call. Fears aside  I wanted to go, so last night  I went on a ride along with EPS (Edmonton Police Service)..

EPS Dan picked me up around 6 pm at the radio station and off we went right away to our first call. There was a strange familiarity and comfort being out with Edmonton's finest.. It was really fun. Dan is the husband of one of our texters and has often stopped by to say hi to Rob and I,so I felt comfortable and safe straight off. I was so lucky, we had a variety of calls ranging from possible B&E's where AIR1 was called to help, to a drunk driver and speeders. I got to watch EPS Dan run peoples licence plates and  saw  how they receive their dispatch orders, It was really interesting.

EPS Dan and his wheels





AIR1 Hard to see but they are there

Also during the evening Dan took me to HQ and I got to go to the firing range. I was surprised at how excited I got. It was an adrenaline rush like the ones I use to get going to an ambulance call . I had a few during the night and they felt fantastic and very comfortable.
I was nervous to shoot the gun, I didn't think I would be but I was. Dan explained everything and then let me try. I felt strangely powerful with that hand gun. I felt powerful and at the same time shockingly terrified. Dan set up my target and moved it out for me. I took my stance and had the gun pointed at the target ready to go, heart pounding huge anticipation...but even after he said go ahead, I just stood there.
I don't really know what I was thinking about, I just kept standing there trying to slow my heart rate down enough to stop hearing it pound in my hears. I slightly squeezed the trigger and BAM the gun fired! It shook my arms and chest in a way I did not expect. It had enough kick that I thought I might come close to dropping it and the shell comes flying out and over top of me. It all happened so fast I almost missed it. But when I finally focused enough to see what I had done, I saw there was a hole in the chest of the target. For a brief second I imagined what that actually might look like in real life and scared myself.
The smell of fresh gun powder was mildly arousing and all I could think of was how much I wanted to do that again NOW! I got to put up a new target and keep the one with my first shot. When the second target went up I felt a little more relaxed and just had fun.

Loading the clips



Safety First 

My first shot and the shell





I am pretty good if I do say so myself.

I am pretty boss!


We left the gun range after what felt like only seconds there (my arms were really tired after which I did not expect) and drove around more, still feeling pretty euphoric from shooting I asked Dan tons of questions about working and the city. This life is very fascinating to me. We drove all around and I got to say hi to Dans old partner( Daina)  who had come to the radio station a few times with Dan. It was fun to catch up and laugh with other officers.

At one point I had a passing thought, I should try out for EPS, I think it would be so fun..that's when the bad call came in over the radio.

When I heard the dispatcher give the information I felt my excitement for the evening drain a little. It sadly, was a call I have been to before as an EMT, and I quickly asked Dan if we had to go to it. He assured me we didn't and I felt such a wash of relief I couldn't speak for a minute. That was when I remembered how much I didn't miss parts of public service. Often when you work in Fire, EMS and Police your everyday is filled with some pretty dramatic and awful stuff. And over time (at least for me) it was hard to leave that stuff at work. When your "everyday" is full of peoples worst days of their lives, it takes a toll on you. I was so thankful Dan and I didn't have to go to that call, I felt another familiar feeling then, I felt done. Done with having to be apart of peoples worst days.

I wanted to stay the whole shift, but I could only do until 1:30 am before my eyes started to cross from being so tired. Dan took me back to the radio station to get my car and I thanked him for all the fun. As I drove home I was so tired, but good tired. I had such a fantastic night, I can't wait to go again. Maybe next time I will try RCMP or maybe go for a tour of the military base. When I climbed into be I just felt so happy to never have to do shift work again. I felt grateful I got to go and grateful I didn't see anything to awful.

Today:

I am so thankful for EPS and all public servants for the amazing jobs they do for us all.

I am grateful for a wonderful job that I am happy with that challenges me.

I am grateful for memories of a life long past. That was a wonderful and difficult time, and I am thankful for where and who I am because of it.

J











Tuesday, February 5

Age Is Just A Number Right?

So there is this guy...

Before I continue any further I just want to say that it is my goal to start at least 2 more blog posts this year with this exact sentence, but in a good way, not how I wrote them last year.

So, back to this guy...There is this guy, who I have been chatting with, and the point of this blog is one simple question. Does age matter?

I am 34. I am happy with my age. I feel like I understand myself really well and I am getting comfortable in my own skin. 34 is happy and confident-ish. 34 doesn't have any noticeable wrinkles on her face yet, and her skin is pretty clear. 34 still has white teeth not just a shade of white. 34 drinks lots of water and is mature enough to not get upset over silly things anymore. 34 could workout more, but who couldn't? 34 has some grey hair, but she dresses well, is very stylish and can carry on a conversation. 34 can talk to anyone and feels comfortable in almost any situation. 34 reads good books and works hard and knows where she is going in this life. 34 has big dreams and has come such a very long way.

Why is 34 surprised that someone younger might possibly be interested in her? 34 does not need to be so skeptical about intentions does she? Why is 34 surprised that younger is polite and funny, charming and handsome? Does 50 have a problem with 40? I can't see why, so what is 34's issue?

34 can sometimes over think things a little, she knows that about herself, but 34 needs to just relax because 25 just wants coffee. 

Age is just a number, right?

Today:

I am grateful for friends that make me laugh.

I am grateful for iced tea. There are few things in life as delicious and thirst quenching as iced tea!

I am grateful for warm winter days and things to look forward to this weekend.

J

Monday, February 4

Music That I Just Love

I just love sharing music! A statement that I am quite sure has become very clear over the years of me doing this blog. I love hearing something wonderful and telling others about it. Something magical happens in my soul when that person likes it too. Weird, but it never gets old.

I love this group, and I love their versions of songs more then the originals (most of the time).




 This was the theme song (that I loved) to the show Weeds and I love it even more that they have done it.

 

Last night I went and saw Muse in concert with my friends Amanda and her sister Michelle. It was such a sexy concert. The light show was excellent, the stage was clean and the whole performance was tight. I enjoyed the whole thing and I didn't even know most the the songs. Chatting with an attractive man all night helped with my the enjoyment level too.








It's a fun day for music.

Today:

I am grateful for friends who love music as much as I do.

I am grateful for my beautiful son Gabe.

I am grateful for being reminded every once in a while that I might still have something to offer and that this woman is still in fact, a desirable woman.



Sunday, February 3

New Cell Number

I got a new cell number the other day. I have had the same cell number for years so when I had to make the list of every business, school, doctors office and contact that I would have to inform of the changes the list quickly became a bit over whelming. It took me a day or two to get everything done, so I figured the hardest part was over.

Nope.

The hardest part of changing your number is after you are given the new number, you then field the thousands of calls that the person who last owned YOUR new number gets because they were not informed of the change.  I have gotten more calls in the last week for a Shawn then I ever got for me. Not only was Shawn very popular between the hours of 9am-5pm Shawn was also rather "boss" in the after hours hours too.

Shawn, hats off to you buddy! Every time my phone goes off around 2 or 3 am I can't help but be a tad jealous! I do feel bad for the caller when I answer and clearly sound less Shawn-ish and more annoyed then they were expecting.

Well done Shawn. You were clearly the man.

Today:

I am grateful for sunny days.

I am grateful for a full tank of gas.

I am grateful for well fitting jeans.

J


Friday, February 1

Happy Pet Owner

I woke up yesterday and found this in my living room.




I am not exactly sure what I thought having a pet would be like, but for some reason home destruction did not cross my mind. I keep telling myself she is still only a puppy, and I know in the grand schema things plants are better then, lets say, my shoes. Still I can't help but feel annoyed with her destructive cameos.

Ooh I forgot to mention she also runs away. She has done it three times now. Someone will leave the door open for just a second too long and out she bolts. The thing I am most concerned about with her running away is all three times she has done it it has been in -20 weather. Is living with me really that awful that you would rather risk death (or limb amputation) than a life with me?


Otherwise things are pretty normal around here. I hate this time of year and find it a huge struggle to keep smiling. I am learning the more Alberta winters I make it through that a beach vacation is fast becoming a must if I plan to keep my head screwed on. Until that time comes when money is falling from the sky, I will tough it out like I do every year.  (Sorry to all of my friends)

Today:

I am grateful for friends to go to movies with. I didn't think that it would be a scary movie so I am not only sorry for being embarrassing and having my ears and face covered the entire movie, I am sorry for being a even more embarrassing with how I was sitting, but I assure you crouching down in your seat when a scary part is about to happen does indeed make you feel safer. At least I was not grabbing at your arm. I wont pick the movie next time.

I am grateful that my dryer is still working. I can feel it in my bones that it wont last much longer, but every day it is still turning I am grateful for.

I am grateful for my friends. I know when I need you guys it seldom is between the hours of 9-5 yet you always call back to talk and always know how to make me laugh. Thanks.

J