Monday, July 2

I Am Getting Sick Of Myself, I Need A Shower.

I am so sick of my own damn self I can't stand it! This could possibly be the mopiest most pathetic, self absorbed and saddest I have felt in years. Not to mention that I actually smell, I mean I literally smell and need a shower. I have cried for 7 days straight and have partied with self pity every second of this past week too. And ya know what? I'M DONE!

I have absolutely no idea how to change my heart or to sooth it and reassure it that one day it wont ache as much as it does right now, but there are a few things I can do. I can shower and shave my legs. I can wear proper clothes and do my hair. Those things always make me feel better.

So off I go to pick up shaving cream and a new razor blade and I am going to scrub every inch of my self with nice smelling soap. I will sing in the shower too. I'll be back...

Sigh... That feels a little better. 

Now, for things I can do and things I have control of. I have made a list for myself of things I want to do over the next few weeks while the children are away. This will be my attempt to refocus and build myself up. I can do this! 

1- Paint my house.
2-Learn to use my BBQ.
3-Scare myself stiff. (I am going to watch a horror movie all by myself)
4-I am going to throw a dinner party in the next few weeks. 
5-I am going to fix my steps.
6-I am going to figure out how to smile again for real. 
7-I am going to ride my bike. 
8-I am going to read The Help that Melanie gave me months ago. 

Also, today, I am not sure what came over me but I made another vision board. I don't really understand why this works so well for me but they do, and so, I did. 


I am grateful for new razors and clean skin. 

I am grateful for friends who check up on me. 

I am grateful for whatever going through, this is going to teach me. I look forward to seeing the woman who comes out the other side, because as I have learned for "Queen Annoying" Jillian Michaels change only occurs after there is pressure. So with my limited math and physics skills, the way I see it, is after all this I will be 6'1 and Mother F#$%ing Teresa. Clearly I am not there yet.