Tuesday, March 13

Thicker Skin, Verbal Restraints and Other Ramblings.

For two years I have written almost daily. I have tried to view this blog as a job of sorts, with an (obviously non existent and made up deadline) of every night. I liked having something that I felt I HAD to do. It helped with my sanity after my accident, giving me a sense of purpose when I was unable to do much of anything for my family. It also helped me keep my wits about me during my separation from Drew. It forced me to keep looking for the good in every day, and helped me vent a little thought here and there.

The other thing it did that I was not prepared for was it placed a huge and invisible muzzle on me, I felt unable and restricted to write and tell my story. I have been so concerned and worried about everyone else's feelings regarding my divorce that the person that matters, if not most, then pretty damn close to most here (ME) needs to be okay with it all too.

For months I said nothing about the separation at all, pretending... when all I wanted to do was scream! When I finally did say something (months later) it was brief and to the point again sparing everyone else. For almost a year I have made myself sick with my pathetic blog posts about ridiculousness that was nothing to do with how broke, sad or angry I really was. I would post fluff, plain and simple.

I have not written, really written. I am not a great writer, Natasha is way better, she always knows exactly how to word things and how to use punctuation better then any person in the world (true story) but that doesn't matter. I enjoy writing. It allows me time to figure out what's going on in my head. It helps me work through feelings and frustrations and it gives me a voice.

The reason this is coming out on this very innocent and unsuspecting Tuesday morning is because I am so sick of slapping crap together just to have "something" to post. This is my blog and I am done with allowing others who matter very little a louder say in my life. I hate fake, always have. I hate pretending things are something they are not. I am done with that, I miss feeling authentic. Being honest is empowering and makes me feel strong and like I am not hiding.

Last weekend I had an experience that really shook me. A woman who I hardly know, I might have met her once or twice in my life posted on my personal Facebook wall a rather horrible attack on my integrity/mothering and overall poor and lacking character. I was devastated. She was shaking her finger at me over something I had said on my radio show and wanted me to know she did not approve. I did not feel what I had said was a big deal at all.

The crazy thing about the last few months is I have felt so low and awful and restrained that when I first found her horrible rant on my FB wall (later finding she posted the same thing on my work wall too). My first thought was to delete it. I didn't want anyone to see, I wanted it to just go away and hid and not upset anyone. I was embarrassed and hurt...thankfully my drive to work gave me extra time to think things over more.
"Why am I embarrassed?" "Why and I ashamed here, why do I feel like hiding and pretending again?"
SO I decided to leave it up and let her get what I knew would come to her.

And like I knew they would, the people who love me and know me the best came to my defense. It reminded  me that just because someone says something, good or bad, it does not mean its true. Only I know what is true, and the people who love me will always love me.

This week following that incident (the last 6 days to be exact) have been some pretty big days for me. I have learned a lot about myself. My head feels clear again, and I feel...I feel a lot. Almost too much. Being numb is such a mixed blessing, but now all there is is me. I have been so afraid to do the wrong thing that I have just done nothing, said nothing not allowed growth or learning.

But today is new, and I see things clearly again. In the last 8 months there has been loads of things I have wanted to talk about...

The process of divorce is awful, it has almost been a full year and it feels like seconds. Even when you have the best of intentions and you want it to be better then your parents divorce, less fighting and less anger you can't. There are years and years of hurt that come to the surface. There is fighting and hurtful words. But things are getting easier. I suspect it will mimic a roller coaster with its ups and downs but as long as we are going forward that is all that matters.

Work is going really well, Rob (my new co-host) and I are really clicking and we work well together. He makes me laugh and I enjoy what I do. It was scary at first and I cried a lot, but once again it is my happy place.

I am officially and completely pain killer free. One week shy of two years after my accident with only a few set backs in my recovery, but it's all done now. Those little bastards can take over your life with out even realizing it. I have allowed those to retain control for too long, and with love I did not believe I was worthy of and a truck load of support...no more and never again!

I have gone on a few dates. Some were absolutely horrific and made me think joining a convent might be my only option, but then one was not half bad....so I have hope.

All in all I am really happy. Happier then I think others are comfortable with or want me to be. Happier then I think is the norm. I have always been and forever will be a doer. Laying in bed lethargic, unable to get out because of paralyzing sadness is not in my nature. I move forward, that's how I work and will forever, with the same sarcastic and cheeky attitude that got me here in the first place. Learning and welcoming life lessons as I go.

I am dealing with my weight again...sigh...it is a never ending demon I have had my whole life. But like everything else, I am learning.

(Big Breath)...I feel better now. I feel like me again. There are a few more scars and bruises but the skin is getting thicker and the back is becoming straighter, the chin sits higher and I am walking with a little more pep in my step.

And as it does on days like today, the sun is shining outside.

Today:

I am grateful for Keira who lovingly gave me the chair from her living room that I have loved. She bought herself new ones and knows how badly I have needed a new one. Its huge, plush and it rocks back and forth.
THANK YOU!!! I love it!!


I am grateful for my dear sweet network of helpers who care and love my children while I work.

I am grateful for music. As always it helps me through everything.

J