Tuesday, December 18

Thoughts

I am not sure what to say after last Fridays events in Newton, Connecticut in the Sandy Hook school.

I have no idea how to comprehend that horrific tragedy. I do not try to understand why. I don't understand how parents go on after something like that. How a community heals?

To me the only universal law that should exist is that parents do not ever outlive their children. Ever!

This morning I took Nora to school like I always do. The boys like to leave earlier and play with their friends so normally I end up driving Nora. I was not weepy,  I didn't think "what if". I didn't do anything any different this morning when I dropped her off then I normally do. It was like every other day. Until I started writing this then I noticed a few things.

 I noticed I hadn't turned on the radio during our short drive to school, I talked with her the whole way. I told her how much I love her and that she is so beautiful on the inside and outside. When we got to the school I walked her all the way to her classroom and helped her change her boots to her indoor shoes. A job that she prefers to do alone because she is in fact a big girl and can do it by herself. I made sure to say hi to her little friends and told her teacher good morning. Maybe I was different this morning.

I want to sit with the families in Newton Connecticut and just cry with them. I want them to not feel alone and to feel like others understand. But no one can understand, and more than likely they feel the most alone they have ever felt in their lives. People often say after a loss of a loved one in an attempt to comfort that "they are in a better place"  to that statement I scoff, there is no better place for a child then in the arms of its loving mother and father.

To be honest I am not sure where I stand in a personal belief in a God. I use to know or at least I thought I did. For years I was certain, but over the years that belief and knowledge has faded. Events and heartbreaks, loss and hurt in my life make me not so sure anymore. Things like this school shooting make me ask questions and further weaken an already fragile belief that someone bigger is watching over us. Maybe he only watches over some?

But I still believe in people. Sure there are awful and sick people, but I do still believe there are good people in the world. Lots of them. Helpers and builders, healers and friends. I still believe in love and that it can cure and heal almost anything. I believe that we are all capable of finding peace in ourselves. For some finding it takes longer, but it's there. There is still beauty and goodness in this world, happiness and joy. I don't know much anymore, but I do know that.

J

Today:

I am humbled and shaken but grateful.







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