Sunday, December 30

Ethan Is 11 Years Old Today.

Happy Birthday Ethan!

It is so cliche to say, but I really feel like it was just yesterday that you were born. I remember it very clearly and it was such a hard and exhausting day, but the prize at the end was worth everything I went through.

Today you turn 11! Crazy how fast that time went, but I love this age! You are so much fun. You have such am amazing sense of humor and the stories you tell are full of personality and life. You are brave and logical, kind and spirited. You have a spicy side that I like to see once in a while. I like that you take a stand (sometimes). I love when you sit in the passenger seat when we travel and you talk to me and tell me things that are important to you. I absolutely love that you sing with me too. It fills my heart when we sing along to music and that you know music. I am so glad you have that.

I have heard horror stories from other parents that these next few years are often rough ones between parents and young preteen children. You will be testing me and trying to push boundaries, figuring out your position in life and what you believe. I will be needing to remain your parent and not fall into the trap of wanting to be your friend. I will need to remind you often who is in charge by setting an maintaining rules that you will inevitably break. It could get ugly, but I will do my best to stay clear headed. I will remember what I felt like and how much I just wanted my mother to trust me. You need to know though that you were cursed/blessed with a mother who just knows things, everything! I just know when you are lying, I just know when things happen, I just know stuff. It is a gift mothers are given so the sooner you accept that the easier things will be for you... but I promise I will let you get away with a few things once in a while.

Girls have started to make more of an appearance around here and I could not be more proud with how you have been handling yourself in this area. You are a kind and respectful boy. Keep this up. I am dating now too and I swear you could teach some lessons on how to treat a girl to a few guys I have had the misfortune of knowing. You are doing great little man and I am so proud of you.


Don't try to be perfect, ever! Perfection is not something you can achieve and the pursuit of it only brings unhappiness. Be grateful for what you have and where you are (good or bad) and you will find joy. Remember to make good mistakes once in a wile. This life is for learning and you can only learn when you stumble. But when you do, make them count. Say sorry when you are in the wrong and floss your teeth every night.

I love you my little man. Happy Birthday!







xx
Mom

Today:

I am grateful for the health of my children.

I am grateful for this role as a mother and for what it has made me and taught me.

I am grateful for the joy that comes from this labour of love called parenthood.







Friday, December 21

A Very Different Christmas

Three days until Christmas and I still don't have everything done. Once upon a time I use to be one of those "over prepared" women who has everything finished by the second week of December. Gifts were purchased (or hand made), house was decorated beautifully and the baking was never ending. Teacher gifts were carefully selected and family pictures (that attempted to convey some make believe happy family)  accompanied the Christmas cards (that were hand written) to everyone in our circle of friends and expended family.

But I was unhappy. So very, very unhappy.

This year is quite a bit different then previous ones. This year I am exhausted and am completely uninterested in setting one foot into a busy mall. There is no family picture this year and you can forget about Christmas cards pfft!  I can't even be bothered to do e-cards. Teachers this year will have to be content with a verbal Merry Christmas, and the baking in this house consists of a box of Pot of Gold chocolates I picked up from Walmart and a plate of cookies dropped off by an old friend.

But this year I am a very happy woman. This year I feel alive and like myself, my true self.


I actually had a lengthy conversation with my ex husband the other night. We don't "chat" often, unless it's about things directly related to the children, so this conversation was not considered normal. It was nice to have a conversation, he shared with me how he is doing and how happy he is. He told me about his currant relationship and how fantastic it is going. I genuinely felt happy for him.We both marveled and agreed at what a difference a few years makes. We also laughed at how much this divorce needed to happen years before it actually did, but better late then never.

This Christmas is very different then the Christmas's from past years. This year the tree is fake and really small. There is nothing fancy planned for dinner and, truth be told, the children will be lucky if I wrap any presents with at least garbage bags this year(I am only joking). They have a mom that they have never really had before, they have a happy mommy.

It is going to be a great Christmas.


Today:

I am grateful for finally seeing my needs as important and seeing value in myself.

I am grateful for children who don't seem to miss all the hullabaloo that is absent this year.

I am grateful for warm boots, jackets and mittens.

J








Tuesday, December 18

Thoughts

I am not sure what to say after last Fridays events in Newton, Connecticut in the Sandy Hook school.

I have no idea how to comprehend that horrific tragedy. I do not try to understand why. I don't understand how parents go on after something like that. How a community heals?

To me the only universal law that should exist is that parents do not ever outlive their children. Ever!

This morning I took Nora to school like I always do. The boys like to leave earlier and play with their friends so normally I end up driving Nora. I was not weepy,  I didn't think "what if". I didn't do anything any different this morning when I dropped her off then I normally do. It was like every other day. Until I started writing this then I noticed a few things.

 I noticed I hadn't turned on the radio during our short drive to school, I talked with her the whole way. I told her how much I love her and that she is so beautiful on the inside and outside. When we got to the school I walked her all the way to her classroom and helped her change her boots to her indoor shoes. A job that she prefers to do alone because she is in fact a big girl and can do it by herself. I made sure to say hi to her little friends and told her teacher good morning. Maybe I was different this morning.

I want to sit with the families in Newton Connecticut and just cry with them. I want them to not feel alone and to feel like others understand. But no one can understand, and more than likely they feel the most alone they have ever felt in their lives. People often say after a loss of a loved one in an attempt to comfort that "they are in a better place"  to that statement I scoff, there is no better place for a child then in the arms of its loving mother and father.

To be honest I am not sure where I stand in a personal belief in a God. I use to know or at least I thought I did. For years I was certain, but over the years that belief and knowledge has faded. Events and heartbreaks, loss and hurt in my life make me not so sure anymore. Things like this school shooting make me ask questions and further weaken an already fragile belief that someone bigger is watching over us. Maybe he only watches over some?

But I still believe in people. Sure there are awful and sick people, but I do still believe there are good people in the world. Lots of them. Helpers and builders, healers and friends. I still believe in love and that it can cure and heal almost anything. I believe that we are all capable of finding peace in ourselves. For some finding it takes longer, but it's there. There is still beauty and goodness in this world, happiness and joy. I don't know much anymore, but I do know that.

J

Today:

I am humbled and shaken but grateful.







Monday, December 17

Music Monday Is BAAACK!!!

It has been forever since I have felt excited to share music with everyone. Of all the things I have missed about blogging this last month, this is by far the thing I missed most!

My friend Natasha sent me this song a few weeks ago. It is a song that her and her new love share. I fell in love with it immediately and have played it on the radio a few times. It was also one of the songs I gave my friend for Christmas.



I have not heard a song this fun in months!!!

 

I am not a huge Avril fan, but I tell you, I LOVE this cover of her mans song! She has gone up a few pegs on the coolness ladder.

 

This song was shared with me one night while I was wrapping Christmas presents.I love the mix of styles and the lyrics break my heart a little

 .

Today:

I am grateful for sleeping in.

I am grateful for Hairspray that really works.

I am grateful feeling like I belong!

J

Friday, December 14

No Beer For The Tooth Fairy

This past week Nora lost not one, but two teeth. It's a wonderful time for children. I remember being so excited when I would lose a tooth. I would carry it around all night in anticipation of putting it under my pillow, praying for the fastest night possible so I could see what the tooth fairy left me in the morning. It's a right of passage for children. A magical time.

The tooth fairy role is also a right of passage for the parents. I remember when Ethan lost his first tooth I was so excited all night waiting in anxious anticipation to sneak in to his room, slip the money and hand written letter from the fairy herself under his pillow making sure not to disturb his beautiful head with either my hand or my fresh and irrational tears that suddenly appeared (courtesy of years of undiagnosed  postpartum depression).  in that moment realizing how fast he is growing up and how in no time, he will be off to college and soon after that a father himself.

It is a lovely thing for everyone.

But after four children the novelty wears off for one of the two people involved, and I'll give you a hint, it's not the child. The night Nora lost her first tooth I helped her put it in a plastic bag and even put it under her pillow. Almost as soon as I walked out of her room I completely forgot what I still needed to do that night before I went to bed myself. I am surprised I could even remember her name by the time I walked down to the fridge and got a beer, and the fact I even had children was completely wiped from my mind when I sat on the couch to watch a movie.

I say it was wiped from my mind, actually that is not completely correct. I clearly had it somewhere in my memory, because when I was woken at 6 am by the crying screams of a small child calling for mommy  I instantly knew what the horrifically disappointed sound was caused by. I jumped out of bed, ran down to my purse, grabbed a toonie and shoved it in a sandwich bag and took the stairs 3 at a time to get to her room to tell her everything was okay and that the tooth fairy did not forget.
I threw the bag of money under her bed and told her sometimes it falls on the ground. She looked under her bed and found the money! The moment was saved!! She even got to keep her tooth which I explained the fairy does so she could show her dad!
You would think seeing my only daughter devastated by my incompetence would be scaring enough to help remind me two days later when she lost tooth number two....nope. I completely forgot AGAIN and had to do the exact same thing yesterday morning. *facepalm*

Being a parent sucks sometimes!




Today:

I am grateful for warm tea on cold mornings.

I am grateful for older children that can run and make it to the toilet when they have to throw up!

I am grateful for feeling creative again.

J















Thursday, December 13

I Could If You Wanted To

Yawn... Stretch...

I feel like I have had a month long sleep. I am learning when I don't feel like writing it is just better to walk away and say nothing then to allow junk to be posted. So, from now on, I am allowing myself to write when I need to and not to feel pressured when I don't.

I have been doing the online dating thing for a while (my second try at it) but took my profiles down about a month ago. When I put up the profiles, I went into it feeling strong and confident. I thought I would like chatting with people on a casual basis and I would tell myself that I won't care what happens. When in reality I care very much. I care when no one seems interested, I care when I write a letter and get a snotty response back because of my humor or the fact I have children. I care when I go on a coffee date and it's a disaster.  I  feel guilty that I wasted time that I could have spent with the kids. Then if I find someone who is interesting, trying to maneuver a dating life that meets both schedules and in the end, liking someone more then they like you and going your separate ways.

Sigh..what a gong show!

I have learned a lot about myself in this last year from all this online dating. I have learned that I really enjoy beer, I am too nice, and that when you have a busy work and family life, dating is not really an option.

One of my last dates was with a homosexual man (I had no idea before meeting him) who wanted to "see if he could" and after looking me up and down and shrugging his shoulders in a very blase manner said to me,"I think I could if you wanted to?"

Seriously, what girl WOULDN'T find an offer like that appealing?

Needless to say, I think the dating thing and I need a break from each other for a while. I need to reestablish my confidence and just spend time with the kids. Focus on work and fill my bucket for a while. I seem to keep finding the same men ( this statement is unbelievably more literal then figurative).

So, with the holidays just around the corner, I am going to slow down, enjoy my time off from work, drink the beer in my fridge and remind myself all the reasons I still like men and should not just become a lesbian.


Today:

I am grateful for soup.

I am grateful for warm clothes and jeans that fit well.

I am grateful for having people who can make me laugh on demand when I need it.

J