Monday, July 2

I Am Getting Sick Of Myself, I Need A Shower.

I am so sick of my own damn self I can't stand it! This could possibly be the mopiest most pathetic, self absorbed and saddest I have felt in years. Not to mention that I actually smell, I mean I literally smell and need a shower. I have cried for 7 days straight and have partied with self pity every second of this past week too. And ya know what? I'M DONE!

I have absolutely no idea how to change my heart or to sooth it and reassure it that one day it wont ache as much as it does right now, but there are a few things I can do. I can shower and shave my legs. I can wear proper clothes and do my hair. Those things always make me feel better.

So off I go to pick up shaving cream and a new razor blade and I am going to scrub every inch of my self with nice smelling soap. I will sing in the shower too. I'll be back...

Sigh... That feels a little better. 

Now, for things I can do and things I have control of. I have made a list for myself of things I want to do over the next few weeks while the children are away. This will be my attempt to refocus and build myself up. I can do this! 

1- Paint my house.
2-Learn to use my BBQ.
3-Scare myself stiff. (I am going to watch a horror movie all by myself)
4-I am going to throw a dinner party in the next few weeks. 
5-I am going to fix my steps.
6-I am going to figure out how to smile again for real. 
7-I am going to ride my bike. 
8-I am going to read The Help that Melanie gave me months ago. 

Also, today, I am not sure what came over me but I made another vision board. I don't really understand why this works so well for me but they do, and so, I did. 


I am grateful for new razors and clean skin. 

I am grateful for friends who check up on me. 

I am grateful for whatever going through, this is going to teach me. I look forward to seeing the woman who comes out the other side, because as I have learned for "Queen Annoying" Jillian Michaels change only occurs after there is pressure. So with my limited math and physics skills, the way I see it, is after all this I will be 6'1 and Mother F#$%ing Teresa. Clearly I am not there yet. 



Tanya said...

((Hugs)) Without a bit of rain there would be no rainbows. Stay strong. You will find joy again. :)

Anonymous said...

Joelle, I have been reading your blog now for some time and can only say that the sun will again shine and you will laugh hysterically and joyfully from the tips of your toes. There will be an end to the dark tunnel and at the end, if you so choose, there will be the Joelle that God always meant for you to be. You WILL look back and be grateful, not for what you went through but what you have become. Seven years ago my husband left me for another woman and their unborn child. Left me with no job and a 10 month old baby and a heartbreak so big, I literally could not feel it beat. Now, after trials and tribulations and, most importantly, triumphs, I Love my life and most importantly love who I am. You will get there too. The road to it just sometimes sucks.

Tracy said...

Thanks for being so honest about your struggles. And you already figured out that showering and scrubbing actually helps rid one of depression because the brain senses this as normal and responds as such. I love your vision board! But gotta big is that thing? Looks enormous. I sincerely hope you accomplish most of what you have on your list if you choose to. It looks a little adventuresome so go easy and take a break here and there. You deserve to R&R as well. Think of you often. Always with a smile and geniune best wishes for your happiness. You are brave. And you inspire me.