Tuesday, June 12

Blizzards, Banana Hammocks & Beaver Tails: A Weekend In Banff

Maclean only has 2 more weekends until she goes back to Vancouver (I am bawling inside already). I have become so used to having her here that I am not too sure how I will manage without her. Because the clock is ticking down, I wanted to fill the last few weekends she is here with fun stuff and loads of sightseeing. So Ryan and I thought it would be fun to take her to Banff, arguably the prettiest place in Alberta. Plans were made and then we just waited.
The second I was finished the show Friday night I ran outside to the parking lot where Ryan and Maclean were waiting. A quick gear change into Lois and we all piled in and spun off. South bound and all smiles, ready to have some time off.

Now I considered telling you all about the trip, but I have done this trip a hundred times and I always say the same old things.So this trip I thought it might be interesting for you to hear about it from Maclean, Ryan and I... it was "our" trip after all.

J-Were you excited to get going Maclean? Ry, were you excited?  I could hardly keep my butt in my chair the last hour of work!
R-I don't get excited.
J-What? About nothing, ever?
R-Yeah, and I'm sticking to that.
M-Ooh hey guys, I'm here too. I damn near ran from the house screaming as soon as I woke up and let your kids fend for themselves.
J-Ooh, you are clearly understanding how mothers feel! Recommitting to that Birth control, eh love?

M- "Joelle, get your camera out of my vicinity, please. No matter how much you plead, I will just stare introspectively out the window."
J-Maclean, you look so beautiful in this picture. I was thinking you looked exactly like a princess staring out, longing for some stinky cowboy to sweep you away. Was that what you were thinking?
R-I think that is a testament to my excellent driving.
J-What is?
R-Well, the zen like state that Maclean is in. I should be a pilot.
J-Really, Captain Ryan?
R-It's Admiral.
M-...No turbulence here.
M- I think there is a thunder storm coming guys.
J-You are clearly a master of the obvious Maclean.
R-That was a gooder!
M-That was Bullshit, it was all hype. You and your  "prairie thunderstorms" Pft...
R-We should have just stayed there.
J-Instead of going to Banff?
R-Again, my excellent driving skills got us through the thunderstorms.
J-How hard is it to drive in a straight line, seriously? I would not be bragging you almost killed us in Leduc...remember?

J-Man you're cute!
R-Okay, fine...I don't know how to follow that, now I'm all bashful.
I'm just shoulder checking...geesh!
M-I just want to hear Eminem....

R-What is that blob on the bottom? Is that a wild hermaphrodite we caught on camera?
J- You're a lunatic! It's a grain thing!
M-Still want to hear Eminem!!!

J-So we drove to Strathmore Friday night and stayed at my parents house. Saturday morning, we got up, and  after a rather complex attempt to gather breakfast, we headed to Banff in a freak snowstorm. 

M-Nora should be here, she loves winter!
J-WTH?? No Kids!! Maclean, are you on bathsalts??
R-Ooh Bathsalts are popular these days. And BTW this is a no kid trip, you don't even talk about kids!
M- What kids?

J-We made it!! I white knuckled it all the way but we arrived safe! First stop was the gondola.
R-First stop should have been the Grizzly house!
M-God, there are hot guys here!
J- The grizzly house is for swingers Ry...is there something you have not told me?
R- I am totally a swinger if the elderly are involved.
M-I'll swing with anyone in Banff.

M-I am super uncomfortable here!
J-I'm gonna throw up , I HATE HEIGHTS!!!
R-I am the whitest MOFO alive! I need a tan! I have never seen an albino with black eyebrows before.

J-I was listening to music and trying not to  vomit, while these two were all "look down to our death" "isn't it so pretty out?"
R-I can neither confirm nor deny that there were two naked lumberjacks fighting over a bowl of frosted flakes.
M-How the hell do I follow that?

J-We made it to the top alive!!!!
R-That's how high were are...
J-How high?
R-Robert Downy JR high.
J-That's a good amount of high.

J- When we finished paying over $100 to get to the top of this mountain, we get out to go show Maclean the majestic Rockies and this is what we see.
M-I was asked where I was visiting from.
J-Ooh and what did you say?
M-I said I was visiting from Alberta.
J-Honey, we are still in Alberta....
R-Poor Maclean, you innocent child. If your cheeks are red and rosy right now, it was all worth it!
M-Guys, I said that was not making it on the blog!
J- I made no such promises!

Here is where we Ooh and Aww about the scenery and where Maclean takes a picture of old people from Texas and makes a rather witty remark about falling to their death, crazy enough they did not laugh. Not too sure why...

So to make due with the expensive trip to see nothing, Maclean at least ate fresh snow.
M-This is the best F***ing snow I've ever had.
R-MMM snow
J-Really? that's it? MMMM?
R-Well we had to eat, this is how hungry we were.
J-You didn't eat snow, what are you saying?
M-No seriously guys, you have got to try this snow!!

J-Ryan throwing a snowball.
M-Don't throw your back out Ry!
R-It's not my back I need to worry about, its my shoulder. And I do throw like a girl, but that's ok, girls are cool.
J-I don't throw like that?
R-No, you don't but that's because I have a wicked side arm, and that was the follow through to my side arm. That thing was in orbit!
J-You two look like knobs!
R-When we got down we were able to survey the victor of the naked lumberjack fight.
And it was the guy with the red beard, he won.
M-I love red heads!

J-I can't look to cheer on the winner, cause I'm trying to keep my cool.

R-That is Joelle laughing at her farts.
M-That smell was none too pleasant in that small gondola.
J-SCREW YOU BOTH, I did not fart!
R-It was a tight space to have have someone do something so horrific.
R-I am sensing guilt!
R-Liquor time! That's all I wanted was booze at noon.
J-It was a beautiful pub and had great food.
M-Bottoms up Bitchez! 

M-Sweet man hands Maclean.
J-You do not have man hands!
R-Do you have man hands?
M-I do there.
R-They don't look like man hands.
R-That fire wasn't like Taylor Lautner Hot. More like Zach Galifianakis hot.
M-Woah! Zack is totally hot.
R-I just meant it's not really hot.


R-I am laughing because I just left your phone number in the men's washroom. Expect lots of calls from heavy breathing tourists.
J-You're an ass, I was going to say how handsome you looked here.
M-Check out the guy by the bar...

J-Stunning my dear!
R-Here she is actually checking out the guy at the bar.
M-I was trying to be C.C.C.
J-It worked, you look it.
M-Really, I didn't get his number.
R-That's cause the fourth C is Chickenshit!

M-Beaver Bush is better because there is alliteration.
R-Well, that thing carried more grease then Elvis's underpants.
J-You two have issues!

Last on the list for the day was the hot springs. Thankfully, it was snowing so the cooler temps made it bearable.

J-Fabio in red speedos!
R-I distinctly remember they were not red, they were burgundy.
M-Burgundy Banana hammock.
J- I could see everything!!
R-I saw things...
J- What things Ry?
R-It was, it was...a mushroom cloud. I think I could see his pee hole to be honest with you.
J-Why were you looking so close?
R- I couldn't stop, I couldn't look away. It was right there. It was like someone just crashed a truck full of blowup dolls, I just had to look.
M-At least he was confident.
J- What about the creepy old guy taking pictures?
R-Well...I will more than likely end up having an appendage sold on a black market website.
M-I would like to think he was just taking pictures of family.
J- Yeah, family and boobs.
When the weekend was over and on Sunday night we played a board game and relaxed .
M-Sunday Funday...queen of Catan, Bitchez!
R-Is that right? There will be a rematch soon and we may not be friends after.
M- You will cry just as hard as you did the first time.
R-No, I won't because the knife will be in her back this time!

And so ends our weekend of fun.

R-It was nice, and that is all I will say. I am sorry I almost killed us in Leduc.
J-I had a wonderful time you guys. Thank you!
M-Best weekend so far!


R-I am grateful for insoles. 
J-Any reason? 
R-I am not giving you the reason, I just am!

M-A lot. Out of the blue hugs from kids. 
I am grateful for dancing kids. 
I am grateful for the nice boy at the liquor store, and a cool cousin with a fairly decent boyfriend.

R-Hahahah...that is a good one, why can't I come up with a good one like that. All I came up with was insoles. 

M- Well, I am hard to live up to. 

M-Best start to summer 2012

R-I am okay, should I add more stuff?
J-It's just what you are grateful for. 
R-I'm an ingrate...I am grateful for being such an ingrate. 

J- I am grateful for happiness. 
I am grateful for love in my life. 
I am grateful for this time to get to know Maclean more. 
I am grateful for my little car that did so good on this drive. 
I am grateful:) 



Ken said...

This was just an awesomely fun post! Loved it. So glad that you are happy. And as terrible as the snow was to have, it's something that will make this trip stick in your head forever. :)

Natasha said...

Yeah, summer should always start with snow. What the eff! Snow in June?!

Okay, here are my comments:

Yes, Maclean, you looked beautiful in those photos. And you do not have man hands. In fact, before I even read the comments I thought you had pretty hands.
Yes, Ryan looked hot in that photo. He's a keeper.
I bet Banana Hammock looked hot, too. From the sounds of it. And no photo shows you were not thinking about ME at all.
Grizzly House is a swingers' place? Why? Just because of all the phones? And to think I ALREADY loved that place!
I love redheads, too.
Ryan, we don't say "hermaphrodite" anymore. It's "intersex".
I am grateful for insoles, too.