Thursday, May 31

I Am Always So Humbled

When something is bothering me I like to talk about it. I prefer to talk immediately if I am upset about something, it allows me to clear my head and it often resolves the issue right away. I do not like holding onto things, I do not keep grudges and I absolutely hate having things "stew".

It is a normal thing for me to share, I find it easy and I find it very comforting. I remember being a young mother  new to the terrifying world of parenthood and feeling like I had to show everyone I could do this and do it really well. There were no standards or lists of things that told you what being a "good mom" was but somehow in my head this is what that meant;

1-My baby was breastfed even when it was so painful I would cry and sweat and throw up.
2-My baby was always dressed well.
3-I was always showered with hair done and makeup on.
4-My home was as clean as it was before having my world turned on its head with a child.
5-Only ever saying (when asked) "I love being home with this new baby ALL THE TIME" when some days I would have given my arm to go back to work just for a day off.
6-I never let anyone know how difficult this was and how horrifically terrified I was to now be caring for another human.

I would go out with the other mommies and we would do lunch. I would be completely exhausted from a night of getting up with a fussy baby, get ready and still go when what I really wanted to do was sleep all day and sell this child on ebay. But I got ready, put makeup on, and smiled the whole time cause LIKE HELL I was going to admit to anyone I was struggling. What would these people think of me? I used to be an EMT I should be able to care for one mini person right? A "good mom" can do it all.  ...PFT!!! (with HUGE eye roll)

So began years of suppressing how I was really feeling. At this same time is when I began comparing myself to other women I knew. Women who had more on their plates then I did but seemed to be keeping it together. Women who would talk about how happy they were, and how wonderful everything was. No one ever said anything real. Now, to clarify I love being a mother. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have learned more about myself through my children then in any other job I have ever tried. All I am saying is it would have been nice to have more honesty from other women, instead of feeling like it was a competition of sorts. the mind set of "I had to go through it without help, now so do you" is an awful thing and I think is one of many reasons depression is so widespread.

One day I will get into everything and I will tell you the day I came to the realization that everyone struggles, but no one talks about it.When I understood that, I mean REALLY understood how silence can be damaging my heart broke and I decided to change the way I viewed women helping women. This was around the time I became a doula.

I vowed when I started writing this blog that I would always be honest. Now, that does not mean I will always go into detail about every aspect of my life (like my date last night) but I will be as honest as I can because as a woman I think my life would have been a lot different had other women I was around been more honest with themselves and others.
That is all I want to do with this blog. All I want to do is have honesty so one day when Nora is older and crying and feeling bad about herself thinking "I can't do this" she has record of her mother feeling the exact same way. I want my boys to be able to look back and see why I was the way I was. I want the stranger who is reading this to think, dreams really can come true.

I write for myself and my babies. So when I receive beautiful letters from total strangers telling me they have read my blog, MY ENTIRE BLOG I am blown away. Thank you. I am forever humbled with the compliment of peoples time. You have thousands of other things you could be doing, yet you picked this, to read about me... thank you! It means more than I can say. Thank you for the letters and the well wishes. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!

I find renewed strength in your encouraging words. it fills my bucket, so thank you!


Today:

I went on a date last night. I went on a date with Ryan. We have been seeing each other for a while now, and last week we broke up. It was a difficult week. I had so many thing going on at once I actually thought, if ever there was a time when my head might literally blow off my shoulders, it would have been last week. But it didn't. There were a lot of tears from us both, but after a few days apart and time to think we decided to give it another try. There is something very special about Ryan and this weekend I will tell you the full story about him and I.
Last night he took me out for shawarma and shisha then a show. It was a lovely evening and we both had a really nice time. He makes me smile.

I am grateful for feeling like I still have something to offer someone.

I am grateful for good shoes.

I am grateful for having a voice.

J






3 comments:

Spanky said...

I have to admit after reading some of your blogs there comes times when I would say that I'm 'sorry' things have been so tough for you. However, saying 'sorry' is the last thing I think you need. We all look for some words of encouragement along the way not sympathy.

I think, from what I've read, that you're doing a fabulous job as a single mother. I don't even know you but I'm very proud of your courage.

You're an inspiration :-)

Amy said...

I've told you before, but this is why I/we love you. You are real. You're not creating an illusion of sunshine and daisies everyday, however you do look for the positive when you're living moments of darkness.

Don't forget you have a friend here who you can cry to anytime. You've done it for me many times so let me, and the other ladies who I know care about you, take a turn to comfort you. Love ya.

GordL said...

Wow, I didn't know you're a doula. We had a doula for my son's birth, and it was awesome. I think everyone going through the birthing process should have one, both for the mother, and the father.