Friday, March 30

Apparently I Go To Starbucks A Lot.

Today I was making a turkey so I could make turkey soup. It might seem like a lot of work but my turkey soup is really good, I like it the most of any of the soups I make, so the effort is worth it to me. Plus Nora is really sick and soup is a must when my babies are sick.
While in the process of making soup I realized I need celery so off to Safeway I went with Nora. After grabbing everything we needed I of course stopped at Starbucks. When the woman came up to us to take my order Nora out of no where and unprompted by me says my order perfectly. I burst out laughing, grabbed my phone and recorded her. (She is sick so excuse the squeaky voice)




I should be so embarrassed, and yet I am not!

J

Today:

I am grateful for getting to spend some quality time with the kids over spring break, even though they are sick.

I am grateful for feeling organized.

I am grateful for home made soup, true comfort food.

Thursday, March 29

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes.

Today Ethan said to me, I have a joke for you mom.

What can hold Mr. Incredible?
Me: What?
Ethan: My zipper.

Then later he says to me, mom, tonight I just want to relax. I want to eat pizza, watch a movie and do whatever comes naturally.

Honesty, I can not imagine my life without my brood of comedians.

J

Today:

I am grateful for Pizza.

I am grateful for 20 degree weather.

I am grateful for laughing with my kids.

Wednesday, March 28

It's Spring time again!

It's spring time again and you know what that means.....Motorcycles!!!

On my way home today from my staff meetings and air check I was driving with my sunroof open and music blaring when out of nowhere two motor bikes drove past. My heart skipped a beat. I think I am ready to re-add something to my bucket list.

Get my motorcycle license and get a bike.

I have always wanted a bike, for as long as I can remember. My Dad Steve has had a bike most of my life, and I loved riding it with him. Two years ago my mom, brother Dawson and I were all going to go get our license together for my birthday, but about a week before my birthday my dad John rolled a quad on himself and ended up in the ICU with a broken head and a brain bleed...so needless to say our motorbike adventures were put on hold.

But I think the time has once again come!

Sigh..I really want a bike!

J

Today:

I am grateful for the ridiculousness that the town I live in is going to to make our garbage collection a more efficient process. I love the 4 different bins I have, all the different bags and the endless lists of what can go in to what container...OMG!!! It's like a freaking full time job!!!! But I am feeling better about doing more for the environment.

I am grateful for how good loud music feels while the sunroof is open and the sun is on my neck.

I am grateful for loving and unexpected comments on my blog. So kind and thoughtful! It brightened my day!

Tuesday, March 27

A Question From A Reader.

I really enjoy all aspects of being interactive with people. I love getting texts at work (the ones 
that are not scathing and full of hate are my favorite.) I also enjoy the occasional email from my blog. I received this one the other day from a friend, I thought it would be a good one to share and get a lot of different opinions on from others. 

It read,

Joelle

I feel that we are a bit alike. In the past week (one being today) I've been straight forward with a couple of friends saying it how I think and now the one friend will not even talk to me! I know then she wasn't a real friend but got to tell you its a little hard on the self esteem! Have you ever been in that similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?

K


Okay, based on very little information about specifics I have broken what you wrote down into a few main areas, so Ill do my best with them...hope it helps. 


1) "I've been straight forward with people, saying it how it is and now that person wont talk to me."

This is such a tricky subject that one my dearest friend Natasha and I talk about more often then I think you would believe. Natasha and I have a very healthy relationship, we are brutally honest with each other..now. 
The truth is though it has taken almost 13 years to get here and we actually went a few stretches (of years) when we did not speak with each other  because one of us had offended the other. But now with age and maturity we truly value each others honesty. The thing is, I am not always able to be THAT level of honest with all my friends, because if I was, they would be really hurt. I have learned through trial and error that people with teach you how to treat them, and people will also let you know how honest they want you to be. For example, when Natasha and I were first friends, she always wanted to be told the actual truth about everything, where as I was someone who was comfortable with kind truths..."do I look okay in this Tasha?" What I needed and wanted to hear at the time was, yes it looks nice. Because at the time I had just had a baby, hated my body and dressed horribly. Tahsa, believing total honesty was best and because that was what SHE wanted form others, told me the truth, "no, it really does not look that great on your shape. 
End result, I was offended and thought she was a bitch. 
Now, I feel a strange and unexplained level of comfort and safety knowing I will get the total honesty from her, so she, to me, is a safe person. And she know likewise, she can ask or tell me anything. We are not afraid to tell each other what is on our minds. 
Now, does that mean I am not considerate of her feelings, of course I am. Many times I have began a sentence with ,"Remember I love you and mean this with love..." But I am always honest. 

The thing about what you said next I can completely relate to when you said, "she clearly was not a real friend"
Now remember I am basing this on NO information, so If I am way off track, just ignore this and move to the next paragraph. I am assuming, and only assuming that you told someone how it was and she got offended and now is not talking to you. This, in my humble opinion does not mean she was not a true friend. To me, what this means is your superpower of truth, is not also her super power. 
People are at different levels in everything. What you are really good at someone else might be complete garbage at, and visa versa. 
I have been really working hard this past year to remember that not everyone sees things the way I do, they don't understand things the way I do, and they have not experienced the same things I have so there is no way they could have the same understanding I do about things. Does that mean they are bad friends, no. If they are life suckers, mean or people you just feel awful being around, then that makes them not real friends, but that fact they might be at a different point in their journey then I am..means just that. And like I don't want someone to expect me to run faster then I can, I wont do that to someone else. 



Also, I have come to learn that most people are only comfortable with you being as happy as they are. If you seem in any way more happy, more successful, more driven then they are, there will be resentment. This is how I tell real friends from not. 
So, in your case (K) you have recently worked towards a huge personal goal, and have almost  achieved it, so there will be people who are uncomfortable with themselves because of your success. 


I am really a long winded person, so to answer your actual question, How do you handle it?
I stay true to me. If someone asks for my opinion I give it, I to take into consideration how the person asking might take it, but I am working very hard to always be honest. I feel like I have very little control in my life right now, there are a few things I do have control of, and for me, those things need to stay as true as they can. I want to be able to sleep well at night knowing I   am staying true to me and what I know to be true right now. 
I except that things might change, and I will then change with them. 




And Failing all that, I shop to make myself feel better. 


J


Today:


I am grateful for how I am feeling, physically. My body feels strong again. Last week it was the two year anniversary since my accident and I can't believe how different things are now. I struggled to believe I would ever recover this much. Sigh...Thank you PG. 


I am grateful for the nice weather. 


I am grateful for getting to sleep in. 








Monday, March 26

Aggressive Spring Cleaning.

I really like my house, it's what you call quaint. It's a smaller four level split. It has 4 bedrooms 2 bathrooms, my kitchen is a dream space thanks to my friend Garth and I can maneuver the entire house in the dead of night with out stubbing any toes.

I really like my house...but I am learning very quickly it is becoming too small to house my rapidly growing family. Today we did a desperate spring cleaning.

We just have too much stuff! So out came the garbage bags and we went through everything. I do this type of purging once a year, but this time Ethan actually initiated the purge because he said he had a friend over the other day and was so embarrassed because the play area was so messy they could not even play. It took a grand total of 2 hours and now we are completely functional. I can even run on my treadmill again! It was a very successful day!!

J


4 hours later....

I asked Nora where my 2 Lulu Lemon head bands are that I asked her to put upstairs while we were cleaning up the basement, she tells me she was bored and did not want to take them all the way upstairs, so she put them in the donation bags I dropped off at Value Village.

GRRRRR!!!! Children are so wonderful!!!!

Today:

I am grateful for Samantha, who after the purge went to Value Village to try and recover my lost hair bands...she was unsuccessful.

I am grateful for my lulu pants and how good they feel after a day of work.

I am grateful for Duck Sandwiches.

Sunday, March 25

Music Monday...

I have really been slacking in the music department lately, and I promise no one knows this more then me. Its almost like there has been nothing worth sharing, until this week. Then the clouds opened and poured down some really great tunes.

The Naked and famous Young Blood


Weighty Ghost Wintersleep


We are young by Fun




 Also...LOOK WHAT I GOT!!!

I got these the other day, and now I have an entire box of little cards with my name on them, cards of my very own!
It was exactly what I needed this week! They made me smile.






Today:

I am grateful for home made pizza, and for the pizza from Fomoso in Spruce Grove! 

I am grateful for connecting with old friends. 

I am grateful for my treadmill! 

J

Friday, March 23

No Wonder I Feel The Way I Do About My Body.

My friend Natasha sent me this today. I am often in a hurry during the day, running from the moment I wake to the minute my head hits the pillow. It's hard to find even a minute in the day to read the poems she sends, or watch the videos she wants me to see. Until my 2 days off; then I play catch up with everything and spend at least 2 hours reading watching, laughing and learning.

Today was a good and poignant learning day. I have been very open about my constant battle with my weight/self image/self worth issues. It is a demon I hope to be rid of one day. Not so much that I hope I am never over weight again...I mean yes I do hope that, but more than that I want to see myself for what I really am, regardless of the size of jeans I am wearing at that moment. I want to pass on healthy and non self desstructive habits to my daughter. I want my boys to see women the way every mother hopes, and that they will find women as intellectually stimulating as they do physically.


Now, I will preface these videos by saying, get comfy. They are not quick. I think in total they are about 30 minutes. But they are amazing. They will shock you and possibly make you angry, but if you are a women, know a woman, came from a woman, birthed or helped make a woman (to be) or are married to one you need to watch these.








It took me a few hours to really come to terms with what I saw in those videos too.
Pleas let me know what you thought.

J

Today:

I am grateful for the good friends my kids have. They are darling children and it makes me happy they hang with a good crowd.

I am grateful for how soothing good food can be.

I am grateful for perspective!

Thursday, March 22

Another Fine Example Of Superior Supervision

I received a phone call from my son's teacher telling me he forgot his lunch kit at home, and could I please bring it to him so he does not starve today. The request seemed reasonable. Inconvenient; but reasonable. I grabbed his Batman lunch kit and headed to the school which is exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds away.

Once I arrived at the school and found his class, he came walking up to me from the other side of the hallway with (as always) a huge smile on his beautiful face. His over-sized, tooth filled smile always puts me in a great mood, but there was a "flip-slap" noise that distracted me from his face. When I looked down in the direction of the strange noise, I saw my son's shoe (or rather,what was left of it) torn apart. The sole was almost completely detached from the actual shoe and it would flip under when he walked, causing his entire bare foot to touch the floor with each step.



Now, normally I would be writing about something like this for sheer entertainment, but the reason for the post sadly is far from entertaining.

The reason I am writing about this is because when Seth walked up to me in the hall way I asked him to remove his shoe and hand it to me. When he did this, I lifted it up and with a very puzzled look on my face showing the teacher in an "ooh my heck what happened here " sort of way. Instead of laughing with me, she actually lifted her hands up in the air and said to me, like a child who just got caught with his hands in the cookie jar...."I didn't do it!"

I was stunned and rather annoyed by her response. Then, to add insult to injury, the teachers assistant walked in at that moment, and seeing me holding up the destroyed shoe laughs and says, "I have been laughing about that shoe all week."

ALL WEEK??!!!!! WHAT??!!!!

I am furious now, "Why on earth have you not sent this shoe home when you first noticed it so I could replace it for him?"
Both women are staring at me with blank looks on their faces

"Hello?" Ladies "Why is he still wearing these shoes, clearly you noticed, I am not asking you to parent my children, but a simple helping hand when I cant see something that needs to be done...you know the whole "it takes  a village mentality?"

Blank stares continue...

The teacher again repeats to me, "I didn't do it!"

I think at this point the assistant could sense my anger and annoyance so in an attempt to defuse the situation she says to me, "I think the glue must have separated for the shoe."

YOU THINK??

So, as calmly as I could, I asked if next time they see my child in need of shoes, or if he happened to find himself on fire, or maybe if he chokes on food, or maybe if he complains of abdominal pain and ends up in an ambulance needing his appendix removed; could you please call me to let me know....if it's not too much trouble, even if you are not the one who lights him on fire.

After it was all done, I could not help but wonder if this seemed strange to anyone else? Does it not seem strange that the teacher did not send the shoes home with a little note saying, "its time for new shoes"?

I was vexed all day.

J

Today:

I am grateful for the snow. I don't really like it, but being grateful is better then complaining.

I am grateful for Mel, who without fail is home to chat when I need her even for 5 minutes.

I am grateful it is almost Natasha's birthday, I enjoy finding obnoxious things to send her to make her feel special.

Wednesday, March 14

The Pleasures Of Parenting!

Sometimes when I have had a rough week, the only thing that can put a smile back on my face is watching my children have fun and laugh...or be completely terrified. Both make me laugh pretty hard.

These are some pictures I took at West Edmonton Mall last week of the kids on the rides.







Today:

I am grateful for a little girl who loves dressing up as superman to go get groceries. 

I am grateful for Sam who cleaned my house and did my laundry. 

I am grateful for the kind words and the feeling of being myself again. 

J


Tuesday, March 13

Thicker Skin, Verbal Restraints and Other Ramblings.

For two years I have written almost daily. I have tried to view this blog as a job of sorts, with an (obviously non existent and made up deadline) of every night. I liked having something that I felt I HAD to do. It helped with my sanity after my accident, giving me a sense of purpose when I was unable to do much of anything for my family. It also helped me keep my wits about me during my separation from Drew. It forced me to keep looking for the good in every day, and helped me vent a little thought here and there.

The other thing it did that I was not prepared for was it placed a huge and invisible muzzle on me, I felt unable and restricted to write and tell my story. I have been so concerned and worried about everyone else's feelings regarding my divorce that the person that matters, if not most, then pretty damn close to most here (ME) needs to be okay with it all too.

For months I said nothing about the separation at all, pretending... when all I wanted to do was scream! When I finally did say something (months later) it was brief and to the point again sparing everyone else. For almost a year I have made myself sick with my pathetic blog posts about ridiculousness that was nothing to do with how broke, sad or angry I really was. I would post fluff, plain and simple.

I have not written, really written. I am not a great writer, Natasha is way better, she always knows exactly how to word things and how to use punctuation better then any person in the world (true story) but that doesn't matter. I enjoy writing. It allows me time to figure out what's going on in my head. It helps me work through feelings and frustrations and it gives me a voice.

The reason this is coming out on this very innocent and unsuspecting Tuesday morning is because I am so sick of slapping crap together just to have "something" to post. This is my blog and I am done with allowing others who matter very little a louder say in my life. I hate fake, always have. I hate pretending things are something they are not. I am done with that, I miss feeling authentic. Being honest is empowering and makes me feel strong and like I am not hiding.

Last weekend I had an experience that really shook me. A woman who I hardly know, I might have met her once or twice in my life posted on my personal Facebook wall a rather horrible attack on my integrity/mothering and overall poor and lacking character. I was devastated. She was shaking her finger at me over something I had said on my radio show and wanted me to know she did not approve. I did not feel what I had said was a big deal at all.

The crazy thing about the last few months is I have felt so low and awful and restrained that when I first found her horrible rant on my FB wall (later finding she posted the same thing on my work wall too). My first thought was to delete it. I didn't want anyone to see, I wanted it to just go away and hid and not upset anyone. I was embarrassed and hurt...thankfully my drive to work gave me extra time to think things over more.
"Why am I embarrassed?" "Why and I ashamed here, why do I feel like hiding and pretending again?"
SO I decided to leave it up and let her get what I knew would come to her.

And like I knew they would, the people who love me and know me the best came to my defense. It reminded  me that just because someone says something, good or bad, it does not mean its true. Only I know what is true, and the people who love me will always love me.

This week following that incident (the last 6 days to be exact) have been some pretty big days for me. I have learned a lot about myself. My head feels clear again, and I feel...I feel a lot. Almost too much. Being numb is such a mixed blessing, but now all there is is me. I have been so afraid to do the wrong thing that I have just done nothing, said nothing not allowed growth or learning.

But today is new, and I see things clearly again. In the last 8 months there has been loads of things I have wanted to talk about...

The process of divorce is awful, it has almost been a full year and it feels like seconds. Even when you have the best of intentions and you want it to be better then your parents divorce, less fighting and less anger you can't. There are years and years of hurt that come to the surface. There is fighting and hurtful words. But things are getting easier. I suspect it will mimic a roller coaster with its ups and downs but as long as we are going forward that is all that matters.

Work is going really well, Rob (my new co-host) and I are really clicking and we work well together. He makes me laugh and I enjoy what I do. It was scary at first and I cried a lot, but once again it is my happy place.

I am officially and completely pain killer free. One week shy of two years after my accident with only a few set backs in my recovery, but it's all done now. Those little bastards can take over your life with out even realizing it. I have allowed those to retain control for too long, and with love I did not believe I was worthy of and a truck load of support...no more and never again!

I have gone on a few dates. Some were absolutely horrific and made me think joining a convent might be my only option, but then one was not half bad....so I have hope.

All in all I am really happy. Happier then I think others are comfortable with or want me to be. Happier then I think is the norm. I have always been and forever will be a doer. Laying in bed lethargic, unable to get out because of paralyzing sadness is not in my nature. I move forward, that's how I work and will forever, with the same sarcastic and cheeky attitude that got me here in the first place. Learning and welcoming life lessons as I go.

I am dealing with my weight again...sigh...it is a never ending demon I have had my whole life. But like everything else, I am learning.

(Big Breath)...I feel better now. I feel like me again. There are a few more scars and bruises but the skin is getting thicker and the back is becoming straighter, the chin sits higher and I am walking with a little more pep in my step.

And as it does on days like today, the sun is shining outside.

Today:

I am grateful for Keira who lovingly gave me the chair from her living room that I have loved. She bought herself new ones and knows how badly I have needed a new one. Its huge, plush and it rocks back and forth.
THANK YOU!!! I love it!!


I am grateful for my dear sweet network of helpers who care and love my children while I work.

I am grateful for music. As always it helps me through everything.

J

Sunday, March 11

Highfive For The Flu.

My deepest apologies, I have not written in a few days because I was very sick. So sick in fact I can not even talk about how sick because I would lose all the dignity I might still have.

The week was a long one, and I am glad it is over. I am happy to be feeling semi normal again.

For this Music Monday I have decided to go a little old school with my selections.












Its been quite the week, but I am feeling much better now.

Today:

I am grateful for soup.

I am grateful the beautiful warm weather we have had.

I am grateful for comfy shoes.

J

Monday, March 5

Glasses..Yet Again!

Sigh...I had eye surgery a few years ago. They told me that there was a chance that my eyes would go back to how they were before and that I would need to wear glasses again. I have fought it tooth and nail for the last 7 months but I keep getting closer and closer to the computer screen at work. Its getting so bad that the other texters and hosts make fun of me at how big I make the font that I had to just finally go and get my eyes checked. Sure enough they have not only returned to how bad they were before, they are worse. So I have returned to being a glasses wearing lady. The doctor I went and saw had these cool glasses for me to try during my exam, I wanted them really bad, but he said no. 








So I ended up with these Librarian-esk ones. Perhaps not super fun to be back to glasses, but O.M.HECK is it ever nice to be writing this blog tonight whilst sitting straight up and not needing to make the font the size of the mouse.
Fingers crossed there is a guy out there that digs librarian style.

Today:

I am grateful for home made scones.

I am grateful for eyesight, crisp and clear vision!

I am grateful for a lovely afternoon with Nora. She is such a fun girl.

J   

A Cup With My Name On It.

When I was growing up I hated my name. I really did. Joelle was the name of a woman my mother met while she was in London England after she graduated high school. She was getting her English riding instructors diploma and one of the other women/girls there who (as the story goes) was a beautiful English rider. So years later when  Julie found herself in the mothering way, decided to name her first daughter (me if you are not following well) Joelle..

The story is great but when push comes to shove, in a small farming community in southern Alberta Joelle is not one of the names people in China think of when making over priced combs, tooth brushes, mugs, key chains or anything else worth plastering a name on to sell things. I would always look when we went places like Callaway park or the Banff trading post, but with no success.

The closest I could come to was Joe, but it did not feel the same.

Well, a few years later I have stumbled a few things that do have my name on them ..... These pictures were taken by 3 different people who then promptly e-mailed them to me.




I'll take these over key chains any day!

Today:

I am grateful for digital con-souls in cars and trucks! 

I am grateful for my friends. Its a simple statement, but the emotions I feel today are quite the opposite.

I am grateful for sleep.

I am grateful for self restraint.

J

Friday, March 2

I Am The Worlds Best Babysitter.

I babysat today, I babysat Sam's littlest girl Lala. (her actual name is Lara, but I call her Lala.) 


Lala is Italian for tiny ball of complete and utter destruction with an adorable face. 


The culprit!  She is so lucky she is half the size of a normal 2 year old and so cute. 

She slept over and woke me with her tiny squeaky voice calling for me at 5 am. I went and got her, brought her back to my bed (it was nice to have a baby to cuddle again) and we both fell asleep....so I thought. 


What actually happened was, after luring me to help her escape from her sleeping prison, she lay patiently beside me, waiting for me to return to sleep, and when the opportunity presented itself she made a break for it! She tiptoed ever so quietly down my stairs and into my kitchen where she began her cyclone of destruction. 


She climbed on to my computer chair then on to my computer table to reach on top on my fridge to get my lip chap (a rather big container) and with it, did this...


It took me almost 2 full hours to clean this keyboard with Q-tips today.



my FRESHLY PAINTED walls with little hand prints all over them.


my windows...ooh my windows.

What I don't have pictures of is the entire loaf of bread she mangled. She took every single piece of bread out of the bag, ripped/ate the middle of it and crumbled and tore the crust apart and threw on my kitchen floor. 


After she did all of this, she snuck back up to my room, climbed into bed with me and cuddled more until we woke up at 7 and came down together to find my house a shambles. 


my bed sheets from when she climbed back into bed with me. ..little tyrant! 


When I came down stairs and asked what happened, she shrugged her shoulders and lifted up her greasy little hands and said to me in that adorable high pitched voice... "I don't know"


The reason I am such a good babysitter is she was returned back to her mother unharmed at the end of the day.


Sam and Dean, you are very welcome. 


*As a side note to the end of this story. I want it to be known be all the world, that when Sam came to pick up the Tasmanian devil she did NOT want to go home, she wanted to stay and play with me longer. So clearly my punishment was not that bad.


Today:


I am grateful for windex and Q-tips. They helped me clean the grease off everything today.


I am grateful for the tiramisu drenched in Booze, the Italian cheese and the bread that Sam brought me in an attempt to suck up for her daughters destruction:) Thank you my dear, it was perfect!!! 


I am grateful for being able to love other children the way I love my own, and vise versa. 


J

Thursday, March 1

No Mother Of The Year Award.

So, I think the mother of the year award might not be adorning my mantle this year....




I  killed all 5 fish single handed, 10 minutes after taking them out of their dirty tank and putting them into a different jar so I could clean the tank.  Apparently you don't use regular water that is right from the tap!

Ooh tomorrow is going to be a great day when the boys see the results of my reign of terror!

Eff!!!

Today:

I am grateful for brown sweaters and new shoes.

I am grateful for my talent/super power for fish homicide.

I am grateful for cold cereal at midnight.

J