Wednesday, February 29

Ever So Grateful.

Today I want to just put up a heartfelt and sincere thank you for the kind and encouraging words yesterday. It really meant a lot.
So I will take the next two days and really think it all over. Returning refreshed having been reminded there is nothing wrong with who I am.

J

Today:
 I am grateful for love, in all its forms and from all its varied locations. Your words hit home. Thank you.

I am grateful for eh council of my friend who told me, "next time someone who is not a close friend asks you personal questions about anything in a way you are not comfortable with, smile politely and ask them how their Herpes are."  ...giggle

Tuesday, February 28

My Life Is Boring and needs... Trash TV?

Tonight at work a caller/texter phoned in to tell me my life is boring and I need entertainment. She told me she felt bad for me cause I have all those kids and that what would help my life out would be to watch a TV show called Steve Wilkos (it's a Jerry Springer type of show)  I responded to it by saying I am too busy and feel my time is worth more than to waste it watching TV that makes me feel gross.

Also this week I had a girl ask me (very loudly and openly in subway while I was getting my salad) "I heard you and Drew are getting a divorce, gasping she continues I had no idea?" I was stunned cause Nora was standing with me and this girl clearly could care less about the volume of her questioning and that other patrons could hear her, not to mention my little girl.

I was called a Dyke by someone on the shout box on our works web page (another form of interacting with listeners) and asked if I was gay a few times from texters.  Another text I received last night at work told me to shut up about being a single parent and was told "no one gives a rats ass." There were a few other things I was called and told during my  week..but we will stick to these for tonight.

Today my blog post is about having thick skin.

Interacting with an ex is not easy. Getting to solely field all the questions from nosy people who I hardly know regarding my personal life is not easy. This job is not always the easiest thing for me. Openly and publicly allowing strangers to judge me NOT EASY ...ugh. I am by nature a fairly open person and have no trouble at all sharing with people rather personal things. What I am quickly learning is that not everyone you share those things with will be kind or gentle with you or the information. I am learning it is mandatory to develop thicker skin, or try to anyways.
It amazes me sometimes how sensitive I become over some of these things. I have been talking to a friend of mine about this exact thing and he says I need to shake it off, to not allow things like this to bother me and I need to learn to not let it ruin my day.

So here it is, and I am being so very serious. HOW DO YOU NOT LET THINGS LIKE THIS BOTHER YOU???

Tell me how you do it, I am listening taking detailed notes and will try anything and everything. How do I go about not letting things like this bother me?  How do I stop being sensitive?  I am not looking to be coddled  I seriously want answers..okay my friends, help me out here!  Give me the tools I need, cause this raw skin better toughen up quick or its gonna be ugly!

J


Today:

I am grateful for the cooking video I watched the other that taught me how to make mushroom sauce. Today I made it and it was amazing!!!

I am grateful for having so much help with my children so I can go to work.

I am grateful for good sleeps and new days.

Monday, February 27

Fuzzy Pickle

Ethan Says to me after school today, mom, say Fuzzy Pickle after everything I say. Okay?

I nodded.

He begins. There once was a man named

Me: Fuzzy Pickle

Ethan: Who lived in a town named

Me: Fuzzy Pickle

Ethan: But he did not like the name

Me: Fuzzy Pickle

Ethan: So they hanged him by his...

Me: Eye roll

OOh my boys are so fun!

Today:

I am grateful for visits with old friends.

I am grateful for getting to work today.

I am grateful for tuna melts.

J

Friday, February 24

Where is the Genies lamp

While Nora and I walked around the mall today having a special day and going to build a bear, we were just finishing up and heading back to the entrance we came into when a gentleman walked past wearing a beautiful blue turban.

Nora said, "Mom, look at that genie!"

I was stunned at the never ending stuff that comes out of this child's mouth.

I said, "Nora, that is not a genie, that man wears that hat to show the promises he made to Heavenly Father." (the best way I could explain it to a 4 year old.)

She said with a very annoyed look on her face, "No mom! it's a genie! I just watched Aladdin this morning, I wonder where him lamp is!"


J

Today:

I am grateful for breakfast for dinner.

I am grateful for freshly waxed eyebrows.

I am grateful for new face wash. It makes me feel wonderful.

Wednesday, February 22

Safeway Shoplifter

After a very long day at work today I headed home to a sick child. I could barely keep my eyes open through parts of today, I can for see Wednesdays in the office a rough day having worked until midnight the night before.

On my way home I ran into the Safeway to grab some ginger ale and while I was walking up and down the isles I saw a man in a scally cap arresting another man and actually putting handcuffs on him.
It was all pretty quiet, no one was saying anything and I did not stand there and stare, but as I walked past and watched this very unassuming man get a pair of handcuffs put on him in the middle of isle 3 I could not help but look more than once.

So here is what ran through my head at that very moment. I am sure many of you would feel like, "Yeah, get him!  The bastard makes the prices higher for the rest of us," and you might be correct in thinking that way.

Others might feel like "stupid klepto got what was coming to him," and that might be correct too.
But me, I saw him and my heart broke. I don't know why but I felt so sorry for him. Sorry that he is publicly humiliated like this, sorry that maybe he is tight on money and felt this was his only choice, sorry that if he had a wife that he was going to have to make a phone call and tell her this. That his kids might know, I just felt sick for him. I felt sad for that man who might not be able to afford the groceries he needed for his family. I am not sure why but that's what I thought


Here's the thing, we have all been in situations in our lives where we were faced with shit decision A or shit decision B. I have been there. I have (in the not so distant past been so tight for money that I literally had my last $100 and was in desperate need of gas, food and something for my children and payday was not for 5 more days that I cried as I decided how much went where) Sometimes being a grown up sucks.

I even remember one time when I had just had my second son and we were living paycheck to paycheck and my child needed finger nail clippers, and I remember going to Walmart and almost crying because I had the conscience thought "I don't even have $5 to get these....but I could just put them in my pocket and no one would know," except I would know, and that is the single reason I didn't. But to clarify, not every decision in my life I have made has been a good one, and remembering the times my choices were less than stellar made me want to walk past the little group of people that were standing there watching this man get taken away, whispering to each other their shock and say, "you have no idea why he did this so don't speculate, assume or judge!". So carry on your business, go get your bran granola bars, your milk and Greek yogurt and your deli sliced meat and stop staring. We have all made mistakes...carry on.

I just felt bad for the guy.

J

Today:

I am grateful that my son Gabe who lost the blank & signed check I sent with him to school today for a field trip did not in fact lose it, after a small heart attack and a flash of having to tell my ex what had happened and that our joint account possibly could get drained, the check was found by Nora who admitted to stealing it from Gabe's backpack "cause it was funny".  Ooh she is a gem!

I am grateful for sleep and homemade soup for sick ones in my house.

I am grateful I finally got a t-shirt from work, as ridiculous as it might seem...  I really like it!

Tuesday, February 21

What A Show Actually Looks Like

I decided to share with everyone what a show looks like from my side of the table.

So here goes;

Arrive around at the studio around 6 pm for a 7 pm show. (Today I was running a little late so I got here closer to 6:40)

6:40pm-I go into the studio and chat a little with Rachael (or whoever the host on is.) This is my side of the desk/table.


6:48pm- Co worker from sister station in the building come in to the studio saying she thinks she might have hit my truck in the parking lot....after a mild heart attack I checked and no damage was done.

6:55pm- We do what is called the cross over. That is where one show ends and the next show starts. The cross over is a break where all of the hosts chat on air and catch up with each other. Today Rachael asked Rob and I about movies we have seen. Jokes are told, and laughs are had.

7:10pm-Rob and I have our first break. (Breaks are spots between songs where the hosts are allowed to talk) Other radio stations try to not have too much talk. On average other stations talk for about 2 minutes an hour, at NOW radio we talk for 7 minutes sometimes more depending on the topics. Here at this station we have very few rules. We are allowed to talk about anything, controversial or not. Really the only "rule" is maintaining a percentage of Canadian content of music, and not say any of the 9 designated bad words. I will not be listing any of them, but just trust they are really naughty.

8:00pm- We have now been on air for an hour and it has just flown by. I have responded to texts, chatted with Rob about a loose idea of the direction we want our show to go in. The beauty about this job is often we will have an idea of what we want t talk about but once we start we need to stay open to rapid rearranging. If someone calls in or we get a text that re directs us conversationally we go with that natural flow.
It is what I love the most about this job, talking with people and discussing everything and anything. I love having the freedom to do it in the way we want to too.
Some times topics really catch on, and other times they tank and die faster then you can say hi. But everyday is new.

8:10pm- I take an on line bet from a texter for a Tim Horton drink over who will win the hockey game (Calgary vs Edmonton) I bet Edmonton would win. 6 minutes after agreeing to the bet, Edmonton was up 4-1

8:48pm- I have now read and responded to almost 100 texts and taken a few phone calls, including this one from a girl who calls all the time to sing to us.



9:03pm- Off air (during songs) Rob and I check Facebook, answer texts, watch the hockey game. We will chat about ideas for new conversations if the one we are having is not doing much. We talk about things that are going on in each others lives, we talk about things we can work on. Really just get to know each other more.

9:56pm- I win my online text bet with a listener. Edmonton won the hockey game against Calgary 6-1 so Zoe (the texter) brought us Tim Horton coffees. I love my job:)



10:17pm-I had to quickly download a song (Adele Lovesong) on my iPhone for a music request...wow, it was pretty stressful..giggle

10:33pm- I catch a glimpse of the genius our Boss had when deciding to put us together. I really love the dynamic that is becoming Rob and Joelle. I love how different we see things and how fired up people get when he says things. For example when he compared the Calgary Flames to "the red headed step child" he continued by saying," well of course you like them, but nobody really Loves a step child" to which I abruptly retort "I'M A STEP CHILD AND I KNOW MY DADDY LOVES ME"
He is a funny man who likes taking risks, and I love and respect him for it!

10:30pm- I become impatient waiting for Rob to finish his coffee so we can do our roll up the rim cups.

11:10pm- We finally do our roll up, I got squat but Rob won a free latte!!!




11:22pm- third bathroom break of the night.
11:36pm- I start to clean up my stuff to get ready to go home.


12:00pm- Pack up and head home.

It is ridiculousness that this is considered work, I love what I do!

Today:

I am grateful for my job...pft...play time is more like it!

I am grateful for the opportunities life have given me.

I am grateful for music, and the pure joy it brings to my life.

J
         

Monday, February 20

What A Week

This might be the most tired I have felt in a while. In an attempt to get to know each other better and to learn to work together well, my new co host Rob and I have been scheduled to work together every day for 7 days straight, and lets just say it has been interesting. There have been a few tears on my part but over all it has been good.

Learning to work with new people is always exciting and challenging. Everyone has their own style and way of doing things. I believe a work relationship is no different then a romantic relationship in some regards (please keep in mind Rob is engaged to a lovely woman, so I mean no disrespect). For example you need to be understanding, forgiving, patient and willing to give more than you take. You need to take into consideration the other person's back ground in life as well. And the most important thing, let things go that are not a big deal.

 Like I said, these last 7 days have been interesting. Choppy, sometimes awkward and uncomfortable but there were a few time yesterday and today that I would dare go as far to say were absolutely bloody brilliant.

I have seen after working together for these last few days, the potential that our boss saw in us together, and it is really exciting. I have only seen it in spurts..but I have seen it.

I have worked so much I have not even had time to write.

I trust with time the rest of the proverbial kinks Rob and I have will work themselves out. I look forward to seeing how well we work together when we are both pressed well.

Today:

I am unbelievably grateful for the kind texter this weekend that read my blog and wrote me the sweetest message this weekend at work. I was so touched by his words that I felt teary. I am and forever will be shocked when people tell me they read my blog. It is the most incredible compliment when someone tells me they used their valuable time to read about me. I will never understand, but I am thankful!

I am grateful for my friend who helped me pick out a pair of new jeans after work Monday. I have gained weight, a lot of weight, and I can't seem to shake it. My struggle with weight is a brutal demon of mine and it never seems to go away. I needed new pants because nothing fits, it is disheartening and I just want to cry. So thank you for helping me pick out some and reminding me it won't last forever. I hope you are right.

As a side note to that weight thing, why can't women see their value is not related to their waist line or number on a scale. The problem with me is when I am smaller, I understand this concept, when I am bigger I forget it.
sigh...

I am grateful for my dear friend Sam, who watched my kids on family day so I could go to work. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

And last, I am grateful for Sam and Dean who took me to the PBR this weekend. Not only did they get me tickets for Christmas they both even cheered and clapped when I know they could hardly stand it. You are good friends to me!

J

Sunday, February 19

exhusted

I am spent. I have worked every day since Wednesday and I am still going. I am so tired i can not ever keep my eyes open. I will write soon and tell you all about my new cohost Rob.

J

Tuesday, February 14

100 Day Project

I have said it a lot, that I think my kids are really cool and very funny. Here is more proof.
Seth had to come up with a 100 day project for his class. In years past we have counted out 100 paper clips, we have glued 100 cotton balls to a t-shirt. Well all pale in comparison to last nights 100 day project...


Yes that is correct, this years 100 day project is 100 Dinosaur poops. You should have seen Seth's smile.

Today:

I am grateful for clean socks.

I am grateful for e-mails from old friends. Unexpected and very sweet.

I am grateful for creative kids, that make me smile.

J


Ooh and I am back on air tonight Feb, 15th with Rob from 9pm-12pm.

Monday, February 13

One Of The Biggest Moments Of My Life.

Today I went in to work. I go "in to work" now for a few more weeks until my co-host thing gets sorted out.

Speaking of which; I met Rob the Englishman that I might get to work with. He and I have been texting and chatting on and off for a few weeks now. Today was his first day. He is really nice. He is tall, wore a scarf and had incredible shoes! Exactly how I remember European men to dress! It made me smile. We chatted for just under an hour in our boss's office and then he had a million things to go do at the station with everyone else. I will get to spend more one-on-one time with him as the week goes on.

The reason today was great was a single moment I had in my boss's office in the morning. My boss has been out of town for the last 2 weeks, so we caught up on everything that has been going on, this and that.
Then out of no where he pushes me a little stack of papers. At the top of the front page of that humble stack of papers it read CONTRACT OF EMPLOYMENT.

I was not expecting this at all, I mean I was hoping, but this happening today was a surprise. I just looked at this legal stack of papers that had my name on the top and every emotion that had ever been felt while I dreamed about this moment came racing out at the same time. It's like every single emotion that I have bottled up for months finally saw their chance to escape so they all went running wild like crazed savages to the slightly opened door and spewed out my eyes and down my face. I just bawled!

This paper with my name at the top is what I have laid in bed dreaming about from the beginning. When I have been so unsure of everything else in my life, this little stack of papers is what I would concentrate on. One day believing that what the universe had planned for me would show up in writing. Legally binding me to people who saw value in me, believed in me, saw potential and were willing to put their money where their mouth was.
I am no longer an experiment or a test run. I am no longer a try or a fun story.

It felt good..It felt damn good!

We went into another office where two more of these little beauties were printed off and I had to sign my name to them all. Three times confirming that this was for real!

(Big Breath)...it was a glorious moment!

I sat at my little desk for a few minutes to soak it all in. I wanted to tell someone so badly, my chest just ached. So I texted Chris, I wanted him to know first.  He told me he was so proud of me, and congratulations.

Today is a day I will think about often. Today is a day I will talk about with my children for years. Today was a very special day.


This is my contract! In all its glory!!!! Today is a good day!

Today:

I am grateful. Completely and entirely for the things in my life that made this possible. I am grateful for breaking my stupid leg and for the months of pain. For my friend who told me to write a blog so I would not lose my mind after breaking my leg. I am  grateful for Physio Guy for endless amounts of things to write about and for keeping my spirits up. I am grateful for Adam who picked me to be his intern one day. I am grateful for  him forwarding the thank you I wrote to his boss and for them reading my blog and seeing me, the real me. My heart is so full of gratitude its spewing out my eyes again and down my face.

I am grateful for the support I have from my friends and loved ones. I could never do any of this without you. Thank you for understanding my dreams need some help for a little while.

I am grateful for finally seeing value in myself. It needed to be shown, but I do see it now.

J


I have another addition to my bucket list. I want to one day do something really special for Physio Guy to show him how thankful I am for him fixing my ankle and knee. He made it so I can not only walk and play basketball again, but because of him I can wear high heels, and in a very not so indirect way helped my blog become what it did and helped me get to where I am now. Thank you my friend! One day I will have friends on the Edmonton Oilers team and will get you a dream come true, where you can meet your favorite player and play with them, get a jersey signed (the old school one) and you can finally see how wonderful you are to me!!!  I know this will happen, cause you helped fix me and I know when you do good, good is returned!

Sunday, February 12

Music Monday After The Grammy's

Tonight I watched the Grammy's and the song by Taylor Swift was so fantastic I had to post it this morning for MM. I was singing along and completely belting it out.




Then Adele's performance of Rolling in the Deep was fantastic! Both of these women do angry break up music so very well.




I also wanted to post a few Whitney songs. I love Whitney Huston and was deeply moved when she relesed her last album as her come back. I was rooting for her.





In the morning I meet the new guy at work, Rob, the Brit. I hope he uses TH's.

Today:

I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for new days.
I am grateful for nice shoes.

J

Friday, February 10

Bonding Night With My Kids.

Tonight, after I spent a delightful day with my kids I put Nora to bed and stayed up to talk with my boys. I do this every once in a while, allow them the freedom to stay up late and to talk about anything they want. Tonight the topics were swearing, divorce and kissing girls.

While chatting about girls, I asked Ethan if boys in his class were talking about kissing girls yet. 
Ethan said that yes, boys do talk about it in his grade. 
Seth piped up and says, "mom, I have not kissed a girl yet. it's gross and I don't want to." He then said very sternly," I have even had night mares about kissing girls"

Ethan replies very quickly, "One mans nightmare, another mans dream!"

Today

I am grateful I was able to watch the Alberta Winter Games today with the kids. We all really enjoyed it. 

I am grateful for hair day!

I am grateful for how wonderful my children are and how happy they make me. 

J


Tuesday, February 7

Joelle Questions Answered.

I have been sitting here unsure what to write tonight so a friend asked me some questions to answer thinking it might be interesting, I agreed...here goes.

Did you ever run away as a child?
As a matter of fact yes, once, when I was 10 maybe.  I was being babysat by some family friends children and  we decided to run away. Now apparently this was my idea, I don't really know, but I am not surprised. We walked on the back roads (we ran away from a farm house) and one of the kids that was with us (Lee) swallowed a grasshopper that jumped into his mouth. He became very ill and his sister carried him. We were picked up not too long after by a parent (I think) I don't really remember. All I do remember was thinking that I would work to make money by washing dishes, and I remember my mom hugging me telling me she loved me after I was returned home.

Do you believe aliens have visited earth?
I do believe that we are not alone in this vast universe. I think the idea of visitors is kind of cool, but I myself have never seen anything. Nor have I been probed in any way. I also do believe in the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot.

When was the last time you peed your pants?
You are a jerk for asking this, cause you know exactly when. It was last week when I was laughing so hard at something you said that you made me pee....You Bi#ch!! (Listen, I have had kids, it happens)

What are the top 3 songs for the sound track of your life?
Extreme: More Than Words
Sara Bareilles: Gravity
The Fray: You Found Me
Pink: So What
U2:Sweetest Thing
ONLY 3...I'm sorry, my life has a HUGE soundtrack!

Baseball or Golf? Which is cooler?
Both are equal. Baseball and I have had a long deep love affair. Golf is something that makes me think of my dad. My dad can kick your dads ass at golf. Anytime anywhere and I would put money on it with zero hesitation. He is that good!

If you could be any wild animal what would you be and why?
This is a weird question. I am going to just say nothing here. But I was born in the year of the horse, so I guess maybe that if I HAD to pick something....

Coke or Pepsi?
Coke Zero, diet Pepsi and Pepsi max. I dabble in a bit of both.

What is the most frightening place you've ever been?
The day I found myself alone. Truly alone, parenting 4 children by myself with no idea how I was going to provide for them. The most frightened I have ever been.


What is the worst movie you have ever seen?
My Dad rented The Man Of Bronze once and it was horrible. The acting was atrocious and story was weak. Still, to this day, it's the worst I have ever seen. That and Beastly.

If you had to give up one of your senses which one would you pick?
This is tricky and I have thought a lot about this answer. I think I would have to say sight.  I would not be willing to give up my sense of smell or taste, I could never give up my ability to communicate. Touch is so sacred I would never be able to live without it. But sight, sight I could manage without. Not well or easily but I think I have seen enough so far in my life my memory would suffice.

What was your favorite birthday present of all time?
Hands down the best birthday gift I have ever gotten was last year when I got a plane ticket to Italy and a plane ticket to London.

Do you feel I have answered your questions well enough? It was fun, thanks for asking!

Today:


I am grateful for new shoes. Beautiful leather ones from Italy! They smell like heaven and fit like a glove.

I am grateful for how clean laundry smells.

I am grateful for a well stocked cupboard.

J

Monday, February 6

Gratitudes

Today:

I am grateful for Jenny who is watching Nora to help me with my new full time office requirements! Thanks for being a member of my village. Nora loves you!

I am grateful for strong women in my life who are examples to me.

I am grateful for my working truck.

I am grateful for happiness and not needing to find greener grass.

I am grateful for good food, healthy and delicious good food.

I am grateful for my wonderfully good humored children who make me smile, and who said to me the other day. "I am really happy now mom"

I am grateful for how a simple 5 punch boxing combination can lift my spirits and make me feel so empowered.

I am grateful for how big Adam smiled today at work when he asked me why I was there and I told him I was full time. He even copied my little dance I did and it made me feel like he genuinely was happy for me. I have him to thank for all of this and it meant a lot!

I am grateful for the text I got from Mr. Chris Love today saying he arrived safely in Toronto and how happy he is there.

I am grateful for the sunny beautiful weather we have had, it is by far the mildest winter we have had in a very long time.

I am grateful my kids have 2 days off this week, so I get to spend time with them, and I am really excited about it.

I am grateful it is almost hair day!! I love hair day.

I am grateful I only have a few more days until I meet my new co-host...did I mention he's British?

I am grateful. Really really grateful.

J

Sunday, February 5

Music From The First Non Radio Weekend

Here is (almost) everything I did this weekend

I made:
Bread pudding
Chocolate chip cookies
Banana muffins
Blueberry muffins
Soup
Bread
Vanilla sugar
Uova in camicia rossa (eggs and prosciutto)
Fruit crepes
Ratatouille
Steak Sarni's

I did:
7 loads of laundry
Changed the shower faucets in the bathroom
Cleaned out sink drain
Watched The Big Lebowski
Listened to music (South African Hip hop)
Visited with friends and went over Marvel triva
Cleaned out my cupboards and re organized them
Ate out
Cleaned the basement
Took a nap
Fixed the faucet in my bathroom sink (after in was cleaned out)
Started watching Inglourious Basterds
Took the garbage out
Organized all the pop cans for recycling
Washed my truck

It was the first weekend I have not been at the radio station, I really missed it. I can't wait to see how much I get done next weekend..ugh.

For Music Monday I have a nice song that was a free song from Starbucks.




Found this one while watching one of 4 movies this weekend..




Today

I am grateful for good food, and how comforting it can be.

I am grateful for help.

I am grateful for unexpected surprises.

J

Friday, February 3

Boxing Fixes Everything

Well I can't say I am surprised. I figured the unrestricted allowance to beat the total sh*t out of a punching bag would make me feel better about everything, and sure enough it did! Working hard, sweating, and getting out every drop of frustration and tension in my body was complete exhilaration!
I enjoyed my hour more then I have ever enjoyed any workout ever! Bobby is a good woman. I found a new happy place.

I got a pair of gloves too! I love them and have decided they need names!


I have offered a dozen home made muffins to anyone who comes up with the best names.
These ladies and I became instant best friends!

Today:

I am grateful I have excepted the challenge to invest in myself. I understand if I don't; how can I accpect anyone else to?

I am grateful for how my work out today made me stand a little taller.

I am grateful for good news! (I got a full time job at the radio station!!!) Good news after a rough few days.

J

Thursday, February 2

Day One Of Boxing

I did not actually get to box today. Although I was really looking froward to beating the SH*T out of something, alas it was not to be. Today I met Bobby, my new personal trainer and boxing coach. She's a cool lady.  When I walked into the gym it felt like home. It was instantly comfortable. Which is good because I will be spending a lot of time there over the next few months. Nora was welcome and it just felt good.

The first day was about filling out paper work and doing a fitness test to see exactly where I am starting from.
Bobby had me do push ups and sit ups, I got weighed and we took "before" pictures. It was rad! And yes, by rad I mean completely horrifying and totally devastating. Apparently it was not enough for her to look at my over sized body to see how out of shape I was. She needed scientific, mathematical physical and photographic evidence of it. It was a feel good start. I have easily put on 20 pounds since October and I am anxiously looking forward to returning it to the universe.

Among other things Bobby asked me what are my personal goals. It was interesting being asked personal and thought provoking questions about my body. She asked me to think about my answers and bring back my paper tomorrow.

So here they are Bobby. My goals and what I hope to personally achieve from taking boxing.
1- I need a healthy and physical way to handle and relieve my stress and frustrations. In a way that will help me avoid legal action or incarceration.

2-I want to fit into my nice jeans again. I want to wear my pretty clothes and be able to tuck things in and wear belts. I want to wear my clothes again, not need them to hide things.

3- I have Nora now. I want her to know that there are ways to take care of yourself physically and emotionally that are not self destructive. I want to teach my girl that her body is only one part of her, and that her worth is not related to the shape that body holds. Hopefully in this process I will learn that for myself as well.
 I know that my voice on this topic is hardly going to be the loudest or the one she listens to the most. But I figure if mine starts the earliest and is the most constant, it might stand a chance.

4- Health. I am ashamed that this reason is not higher on my list of importance, but it's not. As long as it's on the list at all I think it's good.

5-And Lastly, I want to look like Pink does in this video. That is not asking too much.



J

Today:

I am grateful for fresh starts and days that I can do over, and Tylenol for cry headaches and for water.

I am grateful for feeling hopeful. For being able to except things are the way they are.

I am grateful for believing that I deserve happiness.

Wednesday, February 1

Wednesday February 1

Today was one of those days that I would love to take a baseball bat to a glass shop. So I am heading to bed, completely done with this day. My eyes hurt from crying so much and I have a headache.

sigh...

Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow I'll start boxing and feel better.
Tomorrow is a new day. When I know better I'll do better.

J