Friday, June 17

Natasha interviews The Joelle

Hi. This is Natasha. From the famous but now extinct (possibly temporarily extinct, I'm convening a panel for opinions) blog Becoming Something.

So, I'm going to interview Joelle for fun. I'm sleeping over tonight after a really bad day (hey, can we make this about me for about thirty minutes? I need some group therapy) and I'm going to throw out some questions that come to my mind. I've known Jo for... mmm... thirteen years? Back when she had curly hair. But the following things, I don't know, even though we've slept together five and a half times. Maybe. I won't say. So, while she packs up awful mint chocolate chip cookies for some family camping thing or something (who in the world likes mint chocolate chip cookies?!), I am going to write some questions down and she will come answer them. And I won't triple space like she does in between her paragraphs. That drives me CRAZY. Shhh. Just between you and me. Also? BRITS. No apostrophe.

Joelle: First, we have never slept together! You could only be so lucky. 

(Tonight's the night! Shhhh.)

Natasha: So, what is the longest you've gone without a shower?

Joelle:  Hmm, I think about four days. I didn't even really need a shower by then; I only did it because the collection of flies were getting annoying while we were camping. But I didn't NEED one.

Natasha: What celebrity would you look like if you could doppelganger yourself into someone else?

Joelle: I would want to look like Sandra Bullock, but I think I might semi-resemble Pink more (mostly in attitude and hair).

Natasha: Did you or did you not ever have a crush on Vanilla Ice?

Joelle: Did, and I can sing the entire song of Ice Ice Baby, and do the dance. And I would challenge anyone to a rap off!

Natasha: Dude. It's on. You know more of the song, but I can do the dance, too. Morning. Afterglow. It's on.

Besides zucchini (obviously), what is your favorite vegetable?

Joelle: Obviously zucchini, but in a pinch? Carrots.

Natasha: Where did you get the purple orchids beside the computer?

Joelle: English Sam, because I helped pack up and move her entire house. It was her thank you. Everyone else that helped got cookies (which I baked for them,) so she felt I should get something else.

Natasha: Did you ever wear Hammer pants?

Joelle: NO! But there is a store in West Edmonton Mall that still sells them. 

Natasha: Who was your favorite New Kid on the Block? (I'm totally going to guess Donny or Joey.)

Joelle: I liked Joey. Did I mention that I have tickets to go see them in a few weeks when they come to Edmonton?!

Natasha: NO. I can't believe that escaped your mention. Invite me! I never got to go as a kid because I was too poor. Jordan Knight was my future husband.

Have you ever been electrocuted? And did you kinda like it?

Joelle: Does licking the top of a  9-volt battery count? If so, then yes. And my brother and I used to play with the electric fence where our horses were.  We were idiots.

Natasha: Do you have Mac envy?

Joelle: No. Should I?...How much longer is this interview?

Natasha: Oh, you LOVE it and yes, you should. Best relationship I ever had.

Have you ever peed standing up?

Joelle: Yes. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Natasha: What's the worst supplementary toilet paper you've ever used?

Joelle: A towel. I was driving home with my boyfriend and, well... all I had was the towel I had from swimming. So, I tore a piece off and headed for the field. 

Natasha: When did you first develop such a love of laundry? And stain removal? What about it pleases you so much? It's a control issue, isn't it? You have fantasies of world domination, don't you? It's already beginning, isn't it?

Joelle: I love laundry; it is true. I hate it when you get a piece of clothing that is really beautiful and destroy it by not taking care of it. I think everyone should hire me to do their laundry. It's relaxing for me.

Natasha: What did you want to name your children when you were a little kid?

Joelle: Isabon. It was from the movie Lady Hawk. True story.

Natasha: If you WERE a lady of the night, occasionally found on a corner... somewhere... with tall vinyl boots... what would you charge me? Just basic run-of-the-mill BDSM.

Joelle: WHAT??? My kids will read this one day... That said, my fee would be money well spent.

Natasha: (I love how she feigns indignation. LOL. She's the one who offered "lady of the night".)

How old were you when you got your ears pierced? (I know the answer, but readers might find this interesting.)

Joelle: Twenty-eight. I actually got them done when I was younger, but they grew over, so I got them done last year when I turned twenty-eight.... Ya... last year.

Natasha:  What are your top five favourite scents?

Joelle: New pairs of leather shoes, Anthropologie (the store), rain, popcorn, the perfume you gave me, men's cologne (some, not all), clean laundry, perm solution, basketball courts, and basketballs....

Natasha:  Have you ever sewn a garment? Like, from scratch?

Joelle: Ya, I did in grade four. It was a top made of lace and when I brought it to school to display for our talent show, my teacher told me it was crap and I should put it back in my bag. I have never tried since. 

Natasha: Nice. Here you were meant to be a fashion designer and Mrs. Fartface ruined that for you.

How do you like your steak?

Joelle: Dead and medium.

Natasha:  What would you eat first if you were starving in a cave in a mountain? Skunk roadkill (you're allowed to cook it or something with a fire you started from stones and sticks and whatever), three-day-old broccoli that was first cooked for forty-five minutes and then left in the sun, or creamed corn mixed with brown beans from a can with that awful maple sauce mixed with curdled breast milk? Hey. Don't laugh. It could happen.

Joelle: I will take the road kill with a side order of the cream corn breastmilk.  Am I with anyone? Could I not just eat their backside if they did not survive?

Natasha: Did I present that as an option? *cough* Reading comprehension. *cough*

Did you have a lucky number when you were a kid?

Joelle: Twelve. It was the number on all my jerseys, too.

Natasha:  What's your favourite part of my body?

Joelle: Your perfect eyebrows. But, I think your brain and your unreal ability to correct all grammar mistakes.

Natasha: (I'm totally correcting all grammar mistakes right now. Available for editing and copywriting services at jisforjoelle @ gmail.com.)

What's your favourite Guns 'n' Roses song?

Joelle: Paradise City.

Natasha: What's your favourite fruit?

Joelle: Cherries and peaches. But real ones from BC. Soft and juicy.

Natasha:  Favourite chocolate bar?

Joelle: Kit Kat.

Natasha: On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being hatred and 10 being orgasmic, how much do you love it when you manage to get a popcorn kernel skin out of your teeth after egging it out with your tongue for about twenty minutes?

Joelle: 11!!

Oh, good fun. Let's do it again sometime. With video. And men. And smoke machines. And pythons.

Or just a nice mug of egg nog. Whatever.

Daily Gratitudes

  1. Joelle keeps extra toothbrushes around for me when I crash here semi-annually.
  2. Cool, rainy weather.
  3. Sam's visit was nice and helped me in perfecting my British accent. She's a cutie. 
  4. The tomato egg proscuitto thing Jo made tonight was DELICIOUS.
  5. Being loved forever and ever by someone wonderful and generous and funny and fun.
Good morning!

-Natasha.




9 comments:

Natasha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Straights said...

You guys are hilarious!! Very entertaining post!!

Anonymous said...

I am going to print this out and hang in on my refrigerator! For real...I am not just saying that! You two made me LMAO at work, tears and everything...the fellas were thinking I'd fallen off my rocker : )

Terri

XO Leah said...

Thanks guys! This was hilarious!!
And Natasha DOES have perfect eyebrows! What the heck!

Natasha said...

Thank you, Leah. My eyebrows and ears are the only parts of me I wouldn't edit if I could. But, man, I look a bit drunk in that photo or something. Late night.

English Sam said...

Such a funny night and funny post!!! All I'd like to add is that I actually made those cookies myself; and individually hand placed each mint choc chip with no help from anyone (especially not "Joelle," she never helps me bake or do anything!).
Natasha is was so good to visit with you again. You have by far the best British accent of any Canadian's I've met. So just for you, Ive added some grammatical errors for you to correct. Lets see if you can spot them all :)

Rich said...

I'd say Joelle has pretty sweet eyebrows too.

TheRealSlimKatie said...

LMBO!! I only popped on FB for a sec and this was in the newsfeed, first thing. My kids were so mad at me... they were waiting for their movie, but I couldn't pull myself away!! lol
And I couldn't stop laughing!! You guys are a HOOT!! If only we could ALL be fortunate enough to have such a great circle of friends.
Natasha, I read all your comments and can't wait for your Temporarily Extinct Blog to be reincarnated! (^_^)

Natasha said...

Sam, I spotted them all. I was glad you said you were doing it on purpose. It WAS fun and can you please delete that video you have of me? Thanks.

Rich, I totally agree. I said that to her at the Matthew Barber concert.

Katie, thank you. But I tend to be not so funny lately. I need someone to banter with or I will just post sad songs and poem analysis and boring articles I read about psychology and global warming and philosophy.

Jo, I just realised that you don't even HAVE an email address that is jisforjoelle@gmail.com. Doh.