Thursday, August 26

Listen

Today has been exhausting, I am so tired today I don't feel well. 


I really feel terrible actually, and to make it worse I had a moment today where I did not listen to that "little voice" and I feel awful about it. 


In my very first post on my brand spanking new blog I talked about my broken/sprained ankle/knee accident while I was rock climbing...well I never really told you the story about that night, and seeing how it pertains to today, I will tell it now. 


For Christmas Drew got me rock climbing classes, and on night 8 of 10 we were learning to fall. Lead fall to be more specific. Fall night is a big deal, its talked about from day one of classes, how all the other climbers always like to know when fall night is so they can come watch (and giggle) at the new people scream and sometimes cry. Kinda sick, sure, but a big deal regardless. 


On the day of fall night I was so excited, the anticipation of that night was crazy! I just knew I was going to do great, and after hearing all of Drew's stories about his fall night from when he took the class, it pumped me up even more. 
But all day I felt like I should stay away from this one woman in my class. We will call her Lee (not her real name).


I can not explain the feeling, I just felt I should stay away from Lee. She is a wonderful woman, I have gotten along with her every class, and find her very good at climbing. I just felt I should not climb with her.


I seldom make any decision that is not based on my feelings. It is my personal barometer, I 99% of the time will go on how someone or something makes me feel, and rarely look at something in a logical way. It is just not how I work. 


So when I arrived at class that night, we all reviewed everything, got all of the equipment on and fall night began. 
I went second and did 3 beautiful falls to complete the requirements for the night and although I was scared of heights, was feeling very proud of my accomplishments. 


Also on fall night you have to do lead belays, and that is when you help the lead climbers. So they don't hit the ground if they fall. Because sometimes it can physically move you to lead belay, it is required to do 3 as well. So you know what to expect.
Again, I completed my requirements with zero trouble.


Then Lee approached me. She said she still had to do her 3 lead belays (catches) and needed someone to fall  for her to pass the class.
 I felt a sick feeling in my stomach when, with four others sitting beside me, she said looking right at me,
"Joelle will you fall for me?"
I did not feel good, but I thought to myself why won't you help her? Other people helped you?
So I reluctantly agreed, I put my harness back on and began to climb. 
When I reached the top of the wall I felt sick and very scared. I felt like I should not do this.
But I ignored it, saying, don't be scared you have done this already.
Again I felt like I should not do this, and I dare say (and I know how weird this will sound) I actually heard a voice say "GET DOWN!" Do not do this!! 
To which I ignored my feelings and thought, well I don't want to seem rude.


I am embarrassed to admit I heard this voice two more times say "tell her you are sorry but you can not do this" Just climb down!!
sadly again, I ignored it, not wanting to seem rude.....


My instructor counted me off, and I let go. I fell 15 feet and my left foot hit one of the hand holds. 
I did not scream, I just felt instant pain. (for the record Lee did nothing wrong, it was a freak accident)


this is the very painful result of my ignorance
The reason today reminded me of this story was because I had an encounter with a woman today that did not go really well. She had done something I felt was really rude.


 Initially I felt like I should just let it go, I felt like I needed to be kind and not say anything, but I ignored that feeling and I snapped back. Maybe it was because I was tired, maybe because I felt justified, maybe I felt I needed to defend my little boy...whatever the reason,  I now feel ashamed, and sad, and disappointed in myself.


 I am better than this. 


How could I have not learned my lesson still, about listening to my inner voice. I am 31 years old, If I have not learned it now, will I ever?


As moms and women (men too...sometimes)  I believe we are give super human powers/inner voice/spirit/sixth sense whatever you want to call it to see and warn us of stuff there is no reason we should see, but we do.
 It freaks Drew out ALL the time. 
We have this gift to care for children and others...and ourselves. 


I have no idea what my words today did to that woman, I don't feel great about it. I will write her and say sorry. Tomorrow.


Humble pie sucks.


Today:


I am grateful we can try again, and make wrongs right again. It is seldom easy, but it can be done.
"Try a little harder to be a little better" GBH




J