Wednesday, December 8

Familiar Sadness

Drew sent me an e-mail yesterday that told me about the tragic death of an EMS worker up in the small town I used to work in when I was an EMT. 

He and his partner were transporting a patient and got into an accident, he was killed instantly. 

I remember him, he was a very nice and kind man. I am pretty sure I even have a wedding card from him in my wedding box. Drew and I were married while I worked in that small town. 

After I heard the news I felt a wash of familiar sadness for his family. I felt sad for his co-workers; it is not easy going back to work after losing a member of your "family". I felt a rock in my stomach for his work partner; I know how sad that person is going to be for the next few months. I hope they are able to still work after. 

I remember after Adrian's death I took an extended leave from work. I was very confused and unsure if I could go back. We worked very well together and I felt that our partnership could never be repeated. 

One of the first nights I came back I was with a very kind man who I felt very safe with. My boss at the time was  very understanding to me not being sure if I was ready to work yet, but put me with a good partner to see. 
That night I were dispatched to a car accident and I remember feeling sick to my stomach while we drove to the scene. When we arrived it was a very similar accident to the one Adrian had been killed in. A person had fallen asleep and crossed over the center line and hit a woman. Even typing this I feel sick.

All I remember was seeing her and feeling out of body as I spoke to her. 

We ended up taking her to the hospital, and after leaving the hospital I called my boss and told him I was unable to return to work just yet, went home, took a month off and from then on things were different. 

Work was different, less important. I was no longer willing to be a part of that life any more. 

It felt like forever until Adrian's funeral. There was constant questions and sadness. Adrian's wife had asked me to go to their home and pick out clothes for him, that was hard to go into his house and not hear him and her laughing or their bird singing. It felt awful.

The day we said good bye was an awful day. I hated that day. For the last few nights I had cleaned the Ambulance that would carry my friend to his grave site. I scrubbed that rig for hours. I was so tired after and it still did not look any better than when I started.  
The morning of his funeral we were all flown down to Calgary from Northern Alberta. I felt sick the entire flight. I felt like it was a sick joke and I would not believe it until I saw with my own eyes. Sadly our flights were late because of weather and when we got to the funeral home things were already closed up. For a long time I did not believe it was real. 

The service was nice I guess, but I don't really remember much about it. I just remember carrying him and putting him in the back of the rig I had cleaned and thinking how sorry I was that it did not look nicer for my best friend.

When we got to the site and carried him to his spot, some person said something I don't remember. People put things on the casket, and left to go back into their vehicles, it was a cold December day. I remember staying there a long time and saying good bye, and feeling so horrible that I did not send down a sweater for him because it was so cold out. Strange thought I know. 

3 days ago when I drove down to visit my mom, I drove past where Adrian is. I waved and said hi. 

My heart hurts for everyone up North dealing with this new loss. 

Today, and always:

I am grateful for the men and women who serve our communities and country with selflessness. Fire, Police, EMS, Military. Thank you for all you do. 



Amanda Adams said...

I still miss him too. I understand your relationship with him very well. I can stil remember the many times we would all meet up at the hospital and vandalize each others rigs. I will also never allow anyone else to call me "trucker mama". ;D I hope that made you smile.

J said...

I had not thought about all the rigs him and I had trashed in a very long time! That was awesome,thank you. I remember him calling you trucker mama too....good, happy memories. Thanks hon!