Thursday, December 16

Confessions of a bad mom

Today was the day! I knew this day would come sooner or later. So I should not have been surprised when it did but for whatever reason I was...this morning I swore in front of the children. yup, I did, I am not proud, but it happened. 

Then the rest of the morning just continued on a downward spiral into the flaming pits of hell. Today did not go well. 

The weather is horrific out, a huge snow storm hit this morning, and of course Drew had to fly to Northern Alberta this morning which meant I had to do everything alone. Which does not sound like a huge big deal but something mystical happens every morning in my house, its like groundhog day, everyone forgets what needs to happen. No one remembers what they did the day before, and just replicates that, or the day before that, nope, every day is brand new. 
 Boys will just stand there staring at me when I ask "Are you ready?" they say yes, yet still have PJ's on, hair not combed, no socks....EVERY MORNING!!!!

I did not want to be late to drive Seth, because the weather was so bad,so we were just about ready to leave the house and I notice Gabe has no snow pants on. Even after I have step by step instructed them on everything that they needed to do, one of the steps was snow pants, and he said he had them on, but actually didn't. 

I lost my mind and swore. And yes, it was the big one. I am wincing thinking about it.

I realize few people would admit to this and to be truthful I thought about not sharing it either, but the whole point of this blog is to give an accurate account of my journey as a mother to my children. To Ethan, Gabe and Seth so if they get married they have stories from their childhood told by me, so they can see how much I love them, and they understand that this job of motherhood is no cake walk. So maybe they will be understanding men to their wives when they come home and their poor dear wife is frazzled and crying. They will remember, ya my mom found it hard too. 

It is a journal for Nora, so if she ever decides to get married and have children she has a day by day account of how hard this job actually is. I see my in laws with my children and how loving they are, which leads me to believe that with age and time I will become more patient and cherish time with children more and more, but for now, its hard. 
I also feel a lot of moms in our culture and society like to put on a fake show. They like to pretend things are perfect, and I think that is very damaging to other moms because mothering is a job that does not come easily to everyone...very to have others pretend, is just false advertising and can make others who are struggling feel hopeless. I believe if we were just a little more honest with each other, more supportive, and a little less competitive and fake about our mothering journey, less women would experience depression. 

So to continue with my hell-ish morning. After I swore (and felt horrible), I drove Seth halfway to school and decided to turn around because the road was so slippery I could only drive 40km an hour. I felt it was dangerous, and on the radio they said it was only going to get worse today. 

On the way home I picked up McDonald's pancakes for Seth and Nora, and when we got home to eat the plastic breakfast meal I got, I noticed the burner on the stove that I had left on from earlier. It was bright red and angry. Just waiting to start something on fire.

Well done J, well done!

Blah! Today was dreadful, and things did not go well, But I said sorry to the children and I will go to bed early. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am better than this.


I am grateful for the Englishman who came and shoveled my walk today.

I am grateful it was hair day today. It made me feel a bit better.

I am grateful for the phone call from a friend last night. It was great to catch up. 

I am grateful Edmonton is have a marathon in August. MONIKA is COMING to run in it!!! and Sam too;)

Today is day four of our 12 days of Christmas. I hope you are all feeling a little happier for doing this for someone. If not, perhaps this will help 

Michael Buble-Let It Snow


Natasha said...

All good reasons for blogging.

Leah said...

First things first chickie, you are NOT a bad mom, you are a real mom. I watch alot of moms from my cushy single-gal chair and trust me, you are a real mom!! And a real good one, since you are so honest about it which I know alot of people appreciate!!
Give yourself a break and remember, its good to not be perfect, because if you were, you would be here, you would be translated...and we would all miss you.
XO Princess Leah

Phedra M. said...

It is hard being a parent... whether you have one or five..... don't even think your not a fantastic mom Joelle!! I look up to you!!

Anonymous said...

:P I'm in grateful tears now because I just read this after yelling at Ben and Lucy this morning. Thank you, Joelle, for being real.

-Jen U.-