Monday, November 1

When I kick the bucket

This weekend I attended a funeral (I've been to a lot, but this one was different), and while I was listening to everything, listening to all the music, and looking around it got me thinking about the day I die and what my funeral will be like.


For people who know me really well this will not be a huge surprise. I often have told people what kinds of things I would want. I am not trying to be morbid, although I do see how it kind of is..I just want my day to be more...hmmm...not depressing, more colourful, way funnier, better food...you get the point.


So for fun, I will take you on a little tour of my special day, my funeral.


It will be held at the chapel, I would rather it be at a restaurant in Italy, but for obvious reasons I could never get away with this, so I will have to concede this small part.


First, when you get dressed that morning you will need to wear something red. I am not asking head to toe, but as little black as possible. Colour is always better, and I love red. It is my signature colour, so people who really know me and love me will have something red on. Those who show up with nothing red on obviously do not know/like me and are only there to crash my big day (so they should be escorted out by the bouncers). On second thought, how much red you wear is in direct correlation to how much you love me.


I sadly on my special day will not be wearing red, with the exception of my Sally Hansen #610 "Red Zin" fingernails/toenails.


When you walk in you will hear the deep angelic sounds of the gospel choir singing Amazing Grace (sounding like this) and dancing like this.  They will also sing Elton John's The Circle of Life. The entire choir will be wearing red robes and swaying back and forth clapping softly. You will not be handed a program, just one single picture of me to adorn your fireplace mantels where you can gaze at me lovingly until the end of time. It will be a good picture too. Also there will be pictures up of me around the room.


Flowers are tricky.  Because my favorite flowers are lilacs which obviously limits my window of death to two-three weeks during the year during bloom.  So if by chance I have my ticket punched during the off lilac season other flowers are fine, but I prefer red and demand the most expensive ones possible.  Remember - you are supposed to really feel my loss.


It will be fun for everyone to see old friends, visit, and get good seats. There will be appetizers served of course.


You will know its time to take your seat when the choir starts singing Queens Another One Bites the Dust.


When that song is being sung, I will be wheeled into the room at the front. I have been debating whether I will be visible or not, I guess that will depend on how I kicked it. Regardless of whether you see me or not, my friends better do my hair and makeup correctly and put a bra on me (I'm not meeting my maker unsupported) and I better not look like the grim reaper. All that I know for sure is my new wood limo will be made by my dear friend GH, and will be red somehow.


You will notice throughout the building there will be a few very VERY attractive men sobbing very loudly and seeming inconsolable, saying things like "I wonder if she knew how much I really loved her?", or "How am I supposed to go on?" Those are actors I have hired ahead of time; they are just to make me look good. Also they are a gift for any single friends I have that might be looking for a date.


When Queen is over, the service will begin.  This is a hard one, I am not sure who will speak first, or the order of the speakers? Some people that I feel would be qualified to give an address would be, Oprah, Jamie Oliver, Amy Poler, Tina Fey, Chris Rock.  I am not saying they have to do it, just throwing out some ideas.


The only song from the green Hymn book I want is number 27 and that needs to be sung again by the gospel choir with heart, while swaying.


After the song, video shout outs from friends unable to be there telling a story about me will begin playing on the big screen, followed by people actually at the funeral sharing memories. I need people to tell stories, also they need to have memories of me pre-written to give to my girlfriends so they can put them together in a book for my kids.


Around this time the cell phone I have planted in my wood wheels will start ringing and a recording of me answering it saying "sorry right now is not a good time, can you call me back"  will lighten the mood for everyone.


After this the ridiculously good looking male actors will each get up and walk to the front, making it look like they are going to say something but start crying so hard they can't talk, so they have to leave the room. It will be very powerful and dramatic. This will be when Boys II Men enter and  sing End of the Road.


When its all done, the food will begin again. On the menu will be all my favorite things from Jamie Oliver's cookbooks. If you love me, all the ingredients will be from scratch and fresh.


During the reception videos will alternate between clips of SNL skits and music I love. There better be a lot of laughing during the food portion of this day.


When the time comes for you to put me in the ground, this is when the true entertainment begins. Please enjoy as my last gift to you the pallbearers struggling immensely to carry my wood box which I will have had lined with an additional 423 pounds of lead. If the stars align and they drop me and I fall out, mission accomplished! If not, it will be just as entertaining watching them sweat trying not to drop me. All in all, I think the day will be marvelous.  Tina Turner will of course sing Simply The Best at graveside while I'm being lowered into the ground. Good food, good music, good people. And NO crying.




Today:


I am grateful for my Friends Dean and Sam. They have endured so much heartache and so many trials since moving here from England. They are beautiful people and are such an inspiration to Drew and I. They have courage, and fortitude I wish I would have if ever in the same situation. Life has thrown them a bucket full of lemons, and they just keep pumping them into the juicer. 


I am grateful for my in-laws. They are such good people. I am really lucky.


I am grateful for this red nail polish, it is wonderful. 


I am grateful for humour.  It is my life force. 


J

1 comment:

Leah M said...

I am grateful that you are going to be my Date on Friday night!! I'm going to wear Depends under my Spanx since I anticipate laughing a whole heck of a lot!!
XO Leah