Sunday, November 14

Rather Heavy for a Sunday

I really enjoy watching Oprah. I remember watching her when I was younger. I would race home from school, get a cup of tea and watch, listen and learn whatever it was she had to share with me that day. I have learned a lot from Miss Oprah Winfrey; I have learned what 75 pounds of pig lard looks like in a children's wagon, I have learned 101 ways how not to do my hair over the years, I have learned how to make my house more appealing with paint colour and fragrances.  I have learned from Oprah the proper way to fit in a bra and I have learned that Tom Cruise is not someone you want to invite over when you have a new couch. 

I do not get to watch her much anymore, I just PVR the shows and watch them when I find the time. Flicking through the info part and often deleting the ones that don't sound great. 
Last week I watched the Oprah show when she had 200 men on; all of whom had been molested as young children. They were there to tell their story and to start the healing process. Then tonight when I got home I watched part 2 when the wives and partners of these men spoke about how this abuse of their husbands/boyfriends has affected them. 

There was a doctor on the show too, offering his advice on some of the affects he has noticed from this type of abuse, and something stared to burn in my chest. 

So after talking to Drew and getting his support, I have decided it is my turn to start healing too. I am just as entitled to peace from this demon as anyone else is.

So I am veering a little from my regular style of humour to address a serious topic, so I can maybe leave it in the trash bin and dust myself off and move forward a little lighter. 

When I was a young girl, maybe 5 or 6, I was molested. It happened quite a few times and it was by someone close to our family. 
From this simple selfish act that only took up one and a half lines of this computer page, here is what it caused:

I have major trust issues; I am sure I always will. I do believe I married the single best man in the world, and yet I still have doubted his loyalty to me. Most of the time I am good, but my insecurities frequently return in giant waves after a trigger (which I don't often recognize as one until after I notice my self destructive behavior of over-eating in response). 

I have self worth issues miles long. And I have an internal tape recorder that plays over and over reminding me of how unworthy a person I am, and how I am not good for much else other than that. 

When I feel vulnerable or helpless in any situation I deflect with humor, then when alone I compensate by over-eating. 

I think I subconsciously feel that I am of such little value, so why try to make myself pretty on the outside.
I have thought that if I make myself as big as possible, that will be my barricade against being hurt ever again. On the flip side I have in the past physically harmed my body to try and make myself so thin, thinking that that would make me a better person and less likely for people to hurt me.

I have been a people pleaser to a horrifying fault. I have had major guilt if I feel for one second that I have upset someone, or if someone is not happy with me. It has caused a sick need to please, that has actually caused me to be physically ill. I have in the past abandoned what my real priorities are (family/home/myself) to run to the aid of another just because they are upset.

I have had reoccurring nightmares, and have for years. These nightmares cause me to clench and grind my teeth to the point where I have now broken 2.

I don't allow my children to be children. Although I am getting better, and giving them more freedoms, it is a slow process that I am sure they will resent me for later.

I was promiscuous as a teen, and with this had a very skewed idea of love and intimacy. 

I am very good at detaching emotionally from people. I can be very cold and uncaring when I have been hurt.

I have anxiety when my boys have reached the age I was when I was abused. I would and do panic when they are out of my direct protection. 

I have no idea why I felt like writing this, except that it is my truth and I can't change it. 
Perhaps by offering it to the universe, it will get lighter.


Here are a few things that I have been working on over the years to combat this demon of mine:

I am gaining a healthy respect for food.  I am learning to love food more as art and stop abusing it, and using it as a crutch.  

I am continually working on allowing a higher power to help heal my heart.  Heavenly Father has done a pretty good job so far of getting rid of the anger.  

I serve others but I set limits on my service making sure that I do the service for the right reasons and I don't feel used.  I'm learning it's okay to say no.

I pray, although I'm not great at it and I don't do it as often as I should.

I allow good people to love me.  And I trust their love.  

And with that, I say goodnight because I have a headache from crying.  I will return Monday morning with music and a smile. 



Anonymous said...

Here is what beauty is to me: truth in our brokenness. We are all broken in some way. Few people have the courage to face their brokenness, name it, and seek wholeness. Those are the most beautiful people. You are one of them.

Anonymous said...

Joelle, you are brave and honest. Two of the best qualities in a human being. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You are a survivor. Thanks for posting.

Amy said...

Thank you for sharing your personal pain. It helps us all take a look at own pain and evaluate how to make our lives better as a result. I'm so lucky to have such an inspiring friend. :)

Natasha said...

I read your most recent post and thought, "She's ashamed of CFR? Worried about writing about it...? I thought... well, I mean, *I* would be a bit embarrassed...." Just kidding. I figured I had to have missed a post.

Except for the nightmares, I know all these things about you and still love you immensely and can easily tolerate everything about you. You know why? Because we're honest how. Right? And that's what honesty does.

You are the only person I want to talk to whilst I'm in the shower. (Who am I fooling? I totally would rather have a gorgeous, brainy, artsy husband with me in the shower. But you're a close second. In fact, the shower is big enough for three.)

This comment's thesis statement was obviously that it's good to protect children. Amen.

Shelly said...

When I moved to PR. I was scared, and you took me in, and I instantly had a friend. I want you to know,how wonderful you are. You have the biggest heart, and you are a strong, talented women, and from what I read on the blog (cause we live to far away) is that you are an awsome mom. I honestly look up to you, and aspire to be a great mom like you!!!
Miss you tonnes!!!